Do you know what it feels like to be bullied?
Today was National Day of Action Against Bullying in Australia. Happiness Weekly has acknowledged various ways we can take action to stop bullying: Be proactive against bullying and Being conscious of our words and how they affect others – but one thing which has been largely overlooked online is how it actually feels to be bullied. This blog is posted to raise awareness of how it feels to be bullied in the hope of understanding for victims and second thoughts for perpetrators.
To acknowledge the Day, Happiness Weekly is giving an inside account of what it feels like to be bullied – because it’s not a checklist of what happens to people who are being bullied but it’s what goes on inside when we experience bullying that affects us. It’s what the victim feels as a result of bullying that starts them thinking and causes them to react – whether externally by lashing out at the bullies or internally, leading to self-harm and bullycide.
When you search online about bullying, it seems there are a series of resources on how to cope once it’s happened, how to help people when we see it happening, stories of incidences that have taken place and even what to look for in order to know we’re being bullied. What is more difficult to find is an account of what is actually feels like for the person to be bullied.
It’s been fifteen years since I was bullied in high school – but I remember how I felt like it happened yesterday. It affected me really badly back then but now it is what brings me great empathy to other victims and is what fuels my passion to write Happiness Weekly and continue to campaign against bullying and domestic violence.
When I consider how I felt when I was bullied – not only in the schoolyard, but I experienced it at the beginning of my career at work, and recently in a relationship (domestic violence is bullying) – despite the distance in years between each scenario, my feelings and responses were very similar.
So – how does it feel to be bullied?
In two words I felt: helpless and worthless.
It made me feel physically sick to be me. I wanted to crawl out of my body and get as far away from myself as possible. I naturally internalise as a way of coping with things, which meant I felt completely responsible for every situation I found myself in. I was riddled with self-doubt. I was scared. I felt violated. I felt completely unprotected – constantly watching my back for what was going to happen next. I felt as though there was something wrong with me and that still impacts me and my decisions I make today.
When I was bullied I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it because I didn’t want to be seen as causing trouble. I was also concerned that the bullies would be punished and it would make things worse. So I went home and withdrew. Day in and day out I’d write – but I wouldn’t keep a diary, because I didn’t want anyone to ever find it, so I wrote stories that danced around what was happening to me and my character would respond in the way I wish I could. That was my way of coping.
Being bullied is one of the worst things that can happen to you because you are the witness to your life story. You not only see everything happening to you in real-time like a movie, but you feel it all as well. It’s a very really fact that bullying causes depression. It leaves you feeling completely humiliated about who you are – right to the core.
You look into the mirror for comfort and all you see in the reflection is self-hatred for being in that situation – and the words and flashbacks repeat on you. The high level of anxiety when you’re venturing into any territory where you may have further confrontation with the bullies is indescribable. You may suffer panic attacks and other aches and pains that are associated with the emotional trauma you are experiencing.
In my experience I was exhausted – day in and day out. All I wanted to do was sleep. When I would sleep, I would nightmare. When I would wake, I’d be physically sick. I was so emotionally disturbed from what was happening to me. My grades at school started to slip because of my poor concentration and intermittently-functioning memory. The constant pressure and strain certainly takes its toll and subsequently the dropping grades gave me another reason not to like myself. I started to become one of the bullies. I couldn’t give myself a break. And so the cycle got worse, the more they hated me, the more I hated myself.
Any time alone I would spend crying – sometimes I thought I’d drown in my own tears. When I would finally leave my house to go shopping or out with friends, I was constantly on edge. I almost felt paranoid, constantly watching my back.
I started to withdraw from social circles, isolating myself from any possibility of further pain, upset or humiliation – just for being me. My process for self-preservation was, and still is, avoidance from all bullies. I took days off school and work to avoid my bullies. Eventually I left the school and I resigned from the job.
The emotional damage bullies cause reaches straight into our soul and forces us not to want to go forward with life. Every day feels the same. You know that saying “When you’re going through hell – keep going”? Well that doesn’t apply, because when you are being bullied you feel as though there’s no way out and this is how it will always be. Depending how bad it is, the bullies seem to multiply and spread even when you try to get away – and this is exactly what happened to the gorgeous Amanda Todd and how she would have felt. It’s also what happens in the case of cyber bullying – and this is what Charlotte Dawson would have experienced. When you’re being bullied it just feels like the more of them there are, the less of you there is and the less fight power you have, not only to defend yourself but to keep going as they continue to encroach on your boundaries and values while you’re week.
Human beings by nature are fight or flight creatures. In my experience with bullying, this is where I discovered what kind of creature I was. It’s not a bad thing to know how you respond to situations like this for your own self-awareness. It turns out – not surprisingly from my description – that I’m flight. I internalise. I try to escape. I hide. I do almost whatever it takes to avoid going through any scenario where I’m bullied.
Looking back on my experiences with bullying it has made me self-aware. It made me realise that your response is a choice – I’m a survivor not a victim.
While everyone is entitled to their opinion, everyone is also entitled to security, safety, happiness, freedom and wellbeing. When someone experiences bullying and feels under constant attack, it’s easy to swap your rose-coloured glasses for ones tainted with self-doubt and paranoia. You start looking for hidden messages in what people are saying to you: “Did they mean that in a good way or a bad way?”
Now you know what it feels like to be bullied … will you think twice before you hurt someone?
If you are being bullied and need support, please contact Lifeline 13 11 14.
Position Statement: Happiness Weekly supports the introduction of anti-bullying laws, along with other laws enforced to protect people from bullying, violence and harassment. However, these laws need to be absolutely fool-proof, with procedures to follow rather than boxes to be ticked, so the right people are protected and it can’t be used as another tactic for further harassment.
I was bullied in middle school…by an entire group of girls. Further, some of them had been my friends, but then got recruited by the “popular” girls who were bullies. All because a guy that one of them liked looked at me or something silly. It eventually passed, but I had to defend myself a few times when the girls approached me and started a fight. It was rather terrifying at the time…they did the same thing to another girl in a lower grade and she ended up transferring schools.
I think these experiences shape us. As for myself, I am hypersensitive to situations such as child abuse, animal abuse, and now…NPD, where there is always a victim who gets treated unfairly for no reason other than the bully needs some sort of outlet. I know some advocates will say that these people had a rough childhood or something, but in my opinion, it always comes down to a matter of choice.
Great post! You have a wonderful site
Thanks for stopping by and sharing, Kim. You have fast become such an idol to me in the blogging world – you’re an absolute expert in NPD and narcissistic abuse. When I literally escaped my situation there was nothing – no resources, no guide, no comfort anywhere I looked. And then somehow I found your blog and every single post you right is dead-on accurate. I relate to everything you say! And you’re a great writer, which makes it a pleasure to read I really respect your work – I tell everyone about your blog – it’s fantastic.
Girls! They can be so horrible to each other, can’t they?! Whatever happened to the sisterhood? I used to go to a prestigious all-girls school and they just attacked each other. It was like The Hunger Games for girls! But you’re right – our experiences shape us and where we go from there is up to us. I can’t help but think that anyone who inflicts pain on another has to have some level of narcissism in them that’s a little above the standard variety that everyone has…
Regarding NPD – first, I hope you don’t mind me referring to your blog so often of late! I read something about their perspective of the world the other day, which is why they play victim so well – because they actually believe they are one still from their childhood etc. For a moment I felt great pity for them. I suffer so badly every single day after my experience at the moment and the fact that I still feel sorry for him after everything he did to me and put me through? Argh! It makes me so frustrated with myself!
Meanwhile, he’s got no guilt whatsoever. And no concept of right or wrong. Imagine that… that’s so foreign to me. Both those things. And all the blatant lies – I was the polar opposite! It just doesn’t make sense. I mean, comforting that I’m not alone – bad that it happens to others and it’s worldwide – but … I just still can’t quite grasp it! I wonder how long that will take me. I’m so good with acceptance but this is the one thing I’m finding impossible to accept. BUT! We can recover. And that comforts me most of all.
You wrote in your description: ‘I have a journalism background which enables me to thoroughly research my articles’, yet it is interesting that you mention the Amanda Todd story, which, on proper research, is entirely different from the story spread by the media.
Why did you choose the word ‘gorgeous’ to describe Amanda? I raise this point because, to a certain extent, the only reason why the Todd story bloomed so much was a) she was female, b) she was seen to be attractive and c) there were salacious pics. A lot of the criticism aimed at the story was around this fact – that attractive people get all the attention, yet others don’t. Note that Charlotte Dawson was given media attention due to her semi-celebrity status (as was the recent case of Mick Jagger’s girlfriend) yet hundreds of similar cases get ignored.
I am against bullying, as most people are, but it is important to stand up for those who remain ignored. Unfortunately, the Todd story has actually created an air of menace around it. Based on a fabrication, it encouraged vigilante-type responses against innocent people, and it has caused a mass of confusion amongst younger people, based on the fact that she received attention for what amounts to a pack of lies. The presence of bullying from the anti-bullying campaigners would be laughable if it wasn’t so tragic.
I know the Todd story very well. An aspect of it is covered in the Hannah Smith case – http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/cops-believe-suicide-teen-hannah-3143053
How much of Amanda’s story was made up by her remains a question.
Your blog deals with happiness. The Malala Yousufzai story is far happier. But if you want to highlight the online bullying problems, it might be better to avoid stories that are dubious.
Hi Philip,
Thanks for stopping by Happiness Weekly – I’m Sarah.
As mentioned in my article everyone has a right to their opinion and I appreciate the time you have taken to express yours.
I’m sorry that you didn’t agree with the two bullycide cases I referred to in my post and somehow in choosing to mention Amanda Todd and Charlotte Dawson that reflected poorly on my journalism qualifications. However, those cases were very intentionally selected. First, because they were both such high-profile cases that I felt the majority of my readers would better understand what I was talking about, and second, because both those people were open about their feelings as victims of being bullied online and offline.
There are many, many bullycide cases throughout the world each year that go unreported – not all of them will make it into the media, and even the ones that do make the media won’t necessarily receive full reports due to copycat suicides, or because of space restrictions or whatever it may be at the time. I don’t think people are being deliberately ignored, I just think some cases make the media and some don’t – as it is with rapes, murders and even war. It’s not the media being negligent but more the fact that there are so many cases that not all of them can make it in the news – at some point producers and editors need to rule the line.
I’m not sure why you refer to Malala Yousufzai’s story as happier? Because she survived to tell and made something positive out of it? You’re right, I did not select that case – not because it’s not a very important case that should be acknowledged – but because it didn’t touch on the core of what my post was about.
Yes, I called Amanda Todd “gorgeous”. That’s my opinion – I think she was a very attractive and talented young lady. That’s my observation. It’s important to note that this particular post is not a research piece, but an opinion piece as I was sharing my bullying experiences as part of an awareness campaign for National Action Against Bullying Day.
I strongly disagree with your reasons for why Amanda Todd’s story made international headlines. I think it more had to do with the fact that she placed her story on YouTube and it went viral. In that very clip I’m referring to, you couldn’t even see Amanda. As for the “salacious pics”, I don’t think that is it either … unless she had a superfluous nipple – you can see boobs anywhere you look these days. Magazines, movies, at the beach! And one would have to be quite sick to go in search of those images when they were what drove her to end her life.
No one deserves to be bullied to such a point that they feel the need to end their life, let alone carry it out. The people who taunt loud enough for these consequences to happen have no idea, empathy or any kind of understanding of what that person is experiencing. Philip, whether you think it is right or wrong, manipulated or not, whatever Amanda Todd felt and experienced at the time that she was being bullied, that was her reality.
As for the link you sent from a highly sensational UK tabloid, imagine how Hannah’s family and friends would feel seeing an article like that after she has killed herself? True or not – I think that article demonstrated irresponsible journalism and was completely unethical. When looking at the values of journalism, if that article is accurate, then I would say it’s been picked up because it’s “unusual” rather than it affecting the majority.
Sometimes in order to find happiness, you need to shine light on the darkness first.
I thank you again for your time in sharing your opinion with us.
Firstly, thank you for such a good response.
It is interesting that, with the Hannah Smith case, you chose to say ‘True or not’, as if that wasn’t important. The original articles all spoke of online bullying, until it was proven that this wasn’t the case. Why is it important to note that? Perhaps to understand that the cyber bullying aspect is far more complex than you can imagine. Regarding self-cyberbullying:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-25120783
http://www.zephoria.org/thoughts/archives/2010/12/07/digital-self-harm-and-other-acts-of-self-harassment.html
This is the kind of darkness that needs light shone on it – to properly evaluate the whole problem.
Regarding Charlotte Dawson, it is true that she took on the Internet trolls, yet some of the comments after her death implied that she was not beyond this herself, as shown in some of her attitudes in her show.
Regarding the Todd story, that is very complex indeed. The day before she died, she was abandoned by her boyfriend. Her death was linked to that, not to bullying. It is interesting to note that Rehteah Parsons hanged herself immediately after she got dumped by her boyfriend – within ten minutes of the last phone call. This is a more important factor.
It is also interesting to note that, according to evidence, Amanda was in fact one of the Mean Girls at school, and attracted a good deal of enmity.
I draw you attention to this post on my blog:
http://philipjrose.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/for-no-reason-at-all/
The comments shine some light on what really happened.
And of course, this post shows that not all she said was true:
http://philipjrose.wordpress.com/2013/04/26/the-story-takes-yet-another-bizarre-twist/
The reason I raise all this is because the cyberbullying focus is wrong in the Todd story. One would surely have to ask oneself – why, after the cops came in December 2010, did Amanda continue until further complaints from the public in November 2011, if the whole scenario was as bad as she stated? And why say she was tricked into flashing, when she wasn’t at all? Basically, none of the story is true.
And btw – she wasn’t the first to make headlines. Marjorie Raymond – forgotten. Megan Meier – a strange case indeed. Felicia Garcia – didn’t quite fit the bill for celebrity. Jessica Laney. Amanda Todd was just better at publicity.
It is far more true to say that most bullied and depressed people seem to suffer in silence. They don’t have spectacular stories to tell. Amanda’s light was so bright that it obscured all the real, sadder cases. Maybe because she was gorgeous.
I do appreciate the time you took to respond, and I am grateful for that.
And I agree entirely with your view of shining light on the darkness – just make sure the light is cast in the right direction.
Again, my article referenced these people as case studies but it was not specifically about these cases or people but what they were feeling at the time that they were being bullied.
I think we may have to agree to disagree on what my post was really aiming at in this instance.
Best wishes,
Sarah.