Losing friends for bad relationships
One of the biggest tell-tail signs that you’re in a bad relationship is when you start losing your friends, and particularly friends you value. Generally by the time this starts happening, you’ve been with the person for long enough that you have developed serious feelings for them, and sometimes these friends come second to your heart.
I have been in this situation. I’ve watched many close friendships fade over the years because of my stubborn choice in partner. And only for a month or two after the friendship ending for the relationship to break up … and it feels, like agony! It feels like losing two really big parts of yourself only to gain nothing. It’s even happened to my close girlfriends who are people I aspire to be like, who sit across from me in cafes and tell me they have lived through the pain of losing friends for a relationship that hasn’t worked out anyway.
But what if your partner isn’t bad for you at all? What if the things you were telling your friends was just to clear your mind from it, get their opinions in that moment and to help you strengthen your relationship with more ideas?
Everyone has their own methods and solutions for resolving this predicament.
“If they’re good friends, they would stand by no matter what.” “If you valued the friendship, you’d prioritise your friendships.” You kind of hear it all, people are very opinionated about where they stand … but it’s never fifty/fifty. It seems difficult in these situations that you can have it all. But you can!
So the question isn’t, ‘How do you juggle your friendships with a toxic relationship’ because the relationship may not be toxic – you may just be venting to your friends some pain stemming from the relationship, but for the most part it is good. It’s difficult from a friend’s point of view not to judge, particularly when they care for you. Let’s face it, that’s what good friends do!
So how do you keep your friends?
1. Talk about your relationship with balance
If you truly care for your partner, talk about them to your friends with love. Tell stories in the most factual but balanced way you can. Try to see both sides. Where something happens that you really can’t process, understand your friends may also struggle to process it and either speak about it with your partner or seek outside support.
2. Praise your relationship
If you’re ever going to practise gratitude in your life, my greatest suggestion (unless you’re in an abusive relationship, in which case, seek help and please don’t take on this advice) is to practise gratitude in your relationship. Often people pick apart the person they love and everything they do for them: it’s not Hollywood, just be happy! Same with your friendships. I try to make everyone of significance to me know how important they are to me as often as I can. You never know when something may happen to you and you may not be able to tell them how they’ve positively impacted you anymore.
3. Catch up with your friends
It’s easy to get caught up with your close friend, working a lot and your partner who you want to spend every moment with, but it’s important to remember the little guys! You know who I’m talking about, these are the friends who have been there unconditionally for you and supported you and are available to catch up and come to your birthday parties … but they’re not your BEST friend. You need to make time for these people and still demonstrate their importance in your life or you will lose them.
4. Act with love
Keep your head on your shoulders and always act with love: towards your friends and partner. Where a problem arises, act with compassion – always try to see things from the other person’s perspective and try to demonstrate understanding. You will still do what you do, but it’s ok to communicate that you hear people. If you value your friends AND your love, you need to act with the same love and compassion toward both.
5. NEVER choose
Even if a friend throws down their sword and demands you make a choice, I still think you’re safer remaining on the fence. If you make a choice, they’ll forever remember it. Whereas, it’s often these friends that demand a decision who turn around and apologise … if they never do, then let them go. It’s easier to accept someone back in your life and have them WANT to come back at times when you haven’t antagonized the situation.
6. Continue to focus on the positive
Remember, people like positive people, and they like people who focus on the positives. So no matter what’s going on between your partner and your friends, try to rise above it and continue to be positive and to choose to see things positively! When sharing something bad that’s come up in the relationship, or something that has hurt you, express that this doesn’t occur all the time and that you just want their opinion to help you decide your next steps. Make the distinction very clearly that you’re not looking for a solution, you’re looking for an opinion which will help you find the solution.
Moving on! How to move on quickly or help someone move on from something traumatic
Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. Charles Swindoll.
Everyone gets stuck from time to time, but remember – it’s not what happens to us but how we recover that matters the most. Following a traumatic event if you could leap past the awful, paralysing emotions and land safely back into positive, happier times – you would do it in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you?
Unfortunately it’s impossible to predict how long it will take someone to overcome grief – your feelings will come and go and you’ll endure frustrations that will make it feel like it’s two steps forward, followed by three steps back. Time is the best healer.
While we can’t speed up time for you, there are things you can do to help you move on from a traumatic event. This week Happiness Weekly looks at how you can move on as quickly as possible.
Recognise what you’re feeling
It’s really important to recognise what you are feeling rather than judging why you are feeling the way you are. Try not to look at what’s happened, tell yourself it has happened – there is nothing that can be done to change it – and take notice of your feelings when you start thinking of the exciting things the future may have in store for you. It may take time to feel excited about anything again, but eventually that spark will return.
Sit with the pain for two minutes
If you can sit with the pain for two minute increments and then try to distract yourself, whether it’s reading or writing or going for a walk, you will soon find the painful moments will be further and further apart. In fact, you may even be able to experience moments of happiness and peace again. Concentrate on the good moments, but also let yourself have time to grieve as well.
Keep as positive as you can
If the voice inside your head says “I’m never going to love again –” add something to make it more positive “in that way”. Positive thinking will prevent you from dwelling for too long. When you eliminate the negative voice, which can appear so conclusive and certain, you will also take away some of your worries. Keep reminding yourself that there will be a tomorrow – and it may even be better than today!
Make acceptance a priority
It’s important to work on accepting what has happened as soon as possible. Don’t sit with denial for too long. Take charge! Decide to accept what’s happened, regardless of how you feel about it. Take a proactive philosophy to the situation – instead of waiting for your feelings to change in order to take action – take action and trust that your feelings will change as a consequence to your efforts. Remember, every action has a reaction. Feeling outraged by life’s injustices won’t change anything beyond your control – try to remind yourself if it what it is and keep stepping forward.
Grow from the experience
Pretend that everyone is enlightened except for you. Look for every lesson that comes your way. Be open to learning. Practise some patience. This mindset can help improve the way you interpret and respond to even the most painful events in your life. Be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. As you look back on the relationship you will have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behaviour, including the reasons why the situation happened to you, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong to enable you to make better decisions next time around!
Get set for something better
Avoid turning minor upsets into bigger issues in your mind and look at the bright side. It’s just another challenge – focus on how you’re going to resolve it for the most positive outcome! The faster you step forward, the sooner the pain will stop. Also consider the worst case scenario in your situation – is it really the end of the world? More importantly, is it possible – and probable – that the situation could get a lot better? A higher paying job? A more satisfying relationship? Spend some time considering what could go right.
Work with what you have
It’s easy to get comfortable with the way things are and then feel completely disconnected from who you want to be or what you want to do in life when things go wrong, but this hurdle doesn’t need to annihilate your plans! Use your time to find a new way to achieve your goals and start putting effort into getting there again – it’s the fastest way to turn a bad thing good!
Consider what others would do
Think about how someone with integrity handle the situation. If you have an idol, what would they do in your situation? Identify what you have learned from the situation, pick yourself up with grace and maintain your dignity. Move on to the next goal with your head held high. Acting to someone else’s expectations will eliminate the opportunity for disappointment in yourself if you were to lose control over the situation.
Put it on the backburner for a while
Concentrate on something else rather than worrying about your current situation. Exercise to boost your endorphins – you could go for a walk, practise yoga or do something more fun like rollerblading. Start a new diet. Practice being in the present – do one task at a time, mindfully. Remember: if you don’t mind – it don’t matter.
Start creating new memories as soon as you can
Take new photos to look back on. Enjoy some new experiences. Do things you’ve put off for a long time. Get out and enjoy nature. Speak your truth where you can – it’ll help you to feel authentic, heard and improve your confidence. Avoid procrastinating, generally the anxiety about a task is worse than the task itself. Force change by beginning a new routine – it can be small such as adjusting your sleeping pattern or starting to eat breakfast.
Other quick tips for moving on:
– Allow yourself to cry
– Take time out for yourself
– Smile at old memories if you want to
– Write a letter to say goodbye
– Avoid bottling things up
– Keep a diary of your feelings and memories as you grieve
-Talk to someone about how you’re feeling
– Keep healthy
– Recognise it’s ok to have different feelings
– Give yourself permission to feel and function at a less than optimal level for a period of time
– Get help from a counsellor or psychologist if you need it (recognise when you need it!)
– Remember that moving on is the end goal
– Remind yourself that you still have a future
– Spend time with supportive people who energise you
– Make new friends, don’t just hold onto old or mutual friends
– Reach out to others that have been through your situation, they can be particularly helpful!
The trick is to treat yourself like you’re getting over a bad flu for the first couple of weeks. Get plenty of rest, minimise other sources of stress in your life and reduce your workload if you can.
Always remember – whether you have been through a traumatic event or not: you can’t always get what you want – but you can work at being who you want to be no matter what life throws your way!
How to change conversation and take control
A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That’s why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet. Truman Capote
Our conversation influences a lot of the things around us – the type of friends we have, our jobs, the way people respond to us… and ultimately it affects who we are as people. Some of us have small talk down to a fine art, some can talk under water … others find conversation a little more challenging and there is nothing more awkward than being stuck in a conversation you don’t want to have! When things start going awry when talking to my partner one or other of us will go “We’re not talking about this!” and the conversation changes, like a switch. But sometimes we find ourselves in a situation (for example at work), where we can’t say that because people may go there anyway. This week Happiness Weekly looks at tactical ways you can take control of your conversation and subtly change the topic if need be.
Invite other people into the conversation
A skilful way to dodge a sticky conversation is to invite other people in by asking for their opinion – this will take the focus off you. You can also be subtle by speaking a little louder so others can over hear you and jump in regardless of the invitation. If you can’t take it off topic, someone else is bound to eventually! As soon as it starts veering off topic, the person that originally started the conversation may leave or zone out, try to ensure it stays on the new topic but also try to include the original person by asking their thoughts as well – this assists in not making you appear disinterested in talking to them directly.
Link the conversation back
If the conversation is heading towards a topic you don’t know much about or something that is making you feel uncomfortable you can acknowledge where that person is going and steer it back to a previous conversation you had. For example: “I love chocolate, but when I lost all my weight recently I just found it gave me so much confidence”.
Word association
Sometimes it can be as simple as picking up on a single word the person has used and using active listening you can subtly change the topic. For example, someone starts talking about their dream car and they say it’s red and if they give one more detail you’ll be asleep – you could say: “Well, they say red goes faster! Actually, I had these sneakers a couple of years ago that had red on them, and I could have sworn they helped me run faster!” Run! RUN!!!
Deflect
Politicians are really good at this one. When someone asks a question, they instantly start talking about whatever they want to lead the conversation in that direction – regardless of if it has any relevance to the topic or not. A more subtle way to deflect a conversation is to vaguely state your opinion (so you’ve semi-satisfied the person), and then lead the conversation in a different direction by talking about something positive to do with the same topic or something very closely linked to the topic “A great example of this was when the same situation happened at Stanford University and the way they handled it!”
Use the art of small talk
If you are skilled in the art of small talk – better than being able to subtly change the topic – why not just start a new conversation all together? Some ideas include:
* Talking about something you have in common (even if it’s the place where you are at the moment)
* Comment on a topic of general interest (the Royal baby appears to be a hit at the moment!)
* Ask an open-ended question
* Ask a follow up question or offer your own response to your question leading off topic
* Inspire them to share their thoughts or their story
* Share lessons that you have learned
Start a conversation
Starting a conversation can be awkward, depending on the context of our situation. While looking on the internet to gather research for my article, I found these fantastic cards! They sound like a really great way to assist your dinner party or next function into a whole new level of interesting conversation and laughter.
Not so subtle ways to change the conversation
Flattery will get you … somewhere
Complimenting people will generally change the mood in sticky situations however, it may not be very subtle if the conversation is getting a little rough and you say “I really like your tie”. It can help them forget an issue that had them up in arms a few moments ago or soften them towards you – but also prepare for rejection. Some people are just hard to please, no matter what you see. Others may just see through this tactic! A more subtle way of using the flattery tactic to change the topic is to ask the person how they found out so much about the topic at hand – hopefully it leads them to talk about a fond memory or experience and abandon the current awkward conversation!
Excuse yourself
Sometimes it’s easier just to get out of the situation all together. Come back to it at a later time. The easiest way to do this may be to excuse yourself whether it be short term (for example going to the bathroom to regroup) or long-term (for example feeling sick and going home to reassess your thoughts). The trick is to change the topic upon your return – so while you take a moment to recharge, think of a positive direction you can take the conversation. The problem with excusing yourself is that is can make you appear guilty or vulnerable.
Do you have any tricky ways to change a topic of conversation? Share them below!
Why you should enjoy school
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. Mark Twain
This week marks Safety in Schools week, and to celebrate, Happiness Weekly is looking at the importance of enjoying school and how it can affect you later in life. Here’s my personal account of how I didn’t enjoy most of my school years – suffering at the hands of bullies. The outcome of my schooling has impacted my life – here’s how:
School shapes your opinion of future education
While I was bullied in school, my brother – who attended an all-boys school was very popular. He got good grades and went straight from high school to university. Meanwhile, following years of bullying which seemed to leap with me from school to school, I received average grades and was very reluctant to do any further education. I was concerned about the bullying following me. I didn’t enjoy the institution of being schooled – with dominant teachers.
I opted to take a year off before continuing any kind of study, which my parents both supported because as is becoming evident, jobs and careers are more difficult to secure without qualifications. The year off gave me more direction for what I wanted to do, it gave me the space I needed to recover from what I had endured at high school and enabled me to secure some confidence and prepare myself for what may be ahead. I didn’t need to worry – school is very different from higher education institutions.
School prepares you for the future
While you may not realise it at the time, the teachers you like or connect with may influence what subjects you enjoy the most. This may affect what you study in school. Once you’ve selected what subjects you like, you’ll stick with them through most of your schooling which may impact what courses you are able to apply for after school. Before you know it, you’ll be looking through lists of courses and ideas for things to study – whether you want to go straight from school to TAFE, College or university, or not.
The subjects you have enjoyed the most in school will play a big role in the type of career you select. You will consider what you have been successful doing and probably veer towards a career in that field or that uses a lot of the subjects you felt confident in. My advice is that if you are stuck to know what to do, ask your parents to make appointments with multiple career advisors and ask them to map step by step what you need to do. Set goals on where your career could head for you to clearly give you a vision of your future.
School is more like work than you think!
It’s so easy when you’re in school to look at your parents and go “I wish I was at work!” but actually, work is not too dissimilar from school. Workplace bullying is as much of an issue as schoolyard bullying in most organisations – in fact, it’s so serious that the Federal Government is putting laws in place to put a stop to it. The fact is, just like school, some people will like you and some people will dislike you – whether this is colleagues (fellow students) or managers (teachers). Learning to manage these behaviours as positively as possible is essential because it is likely you will repeat the pattern for how you deal with negative behaviours in the workplace.
Get used to submitting work and receiving critical responses – this doesn’t change during future education or in the workforce! Reporting in to management or senior management is the same; you still need to submit various pieces of work that someone else will proof before it goes down a chain and becomes and outcome. You will still have favourite tasks among less favourable things you need to do and you will probably still look forward to lunch and home time!
So how can you enjoy school more or help others to enjoy it?
– Remember why school is important
– Avoid procrastinating (it’s a terrible habit to get into)
– Have fun with your friends – plan your lunches so you’re with them
– Write down your assignments and their due dates, start working on them as soon as you can
– Get in the habit of having a good night’s sleep before an important or busy school day
– Maintain a positive attitude where ever possible.
Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world. Nelson Mandela.
Discover your emotional blocks (and take control of your happiness)
Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way. Les Brown
When we’re not 100% content with our lives, there’s generally something blocking us from being that way. Sometimes we need to know where the problem is (what’s blocking us), other times we need to ask ourselves a few honest questions (why are we allowing it to block us from moving ahead).
Everyone has a purpose in life. Everyone can be better than what they currently are. Everyone has potential to be happier. Sometimes we need to examine and remove our emotional before we can move ahead in life. Generally the things that block us are our fears and insecurities.
Sometimes life is about feeling the fear and doing it anyway – besides – what’s the worst that could happen? By discovering your emotional blocks, you will find other areas of your life improving, including: career success, love life, weight loss, relationships, happiness, freedom and self-esteem. Overcoming your emotional blocks will help you overcome other issues that are currently stopping you from succeeding including: limiting beliefs, self-destructive behaviours (as you will become more self-aware) and you’ll go from being lost to discovering what you truly want. Removing your emotional blocks isn’t easy because sometimes it means some tricky changes are ahead, but it’s rewarding!
History is full of people who experienced the worst difficulties and succeeded anyway, primarily because of their clarity, persistence and sense of purpose. This week, Happiness Weekly helps you to discover your blocks and take control of your happiness. If you’re currently feeling stuck – this blog is for you!
What is an emotional block?
Your emotional blocks are reactions that you create in response to the world. Similar to behaviours, they are actions that you choose and therefore have control over. By choosing how you perceive yourself, you can either change to start behaving differently and achieve success, or continue as you are and continue getting results you’re not happy with.
Defining symptoms of emotional blocks
Let’s get some psychological jargon out of the way and define what our emotional blocks may be:
Internal dialogue is a conscious conversation you have with yourself about everything you experience. With the theory that each though creates a physical change, it ultimately provides us with a functional change in our lives.
Labelling, as a psychologist once told me, is nothing but destructive because it can stop us from accepting things in a positive way. However, humans tend to organise things into categories, even labelling other humans into groups, subgroups, classes and functions. We tend to “live” the categories we’ve attached to ourselves. It’s kind of like the “believe it before you see it” and “fake it til you make it” theories – which are both positive ways for how we can use labelling.
Tapes are beliefs that have become so deeply ingrained that they become subconscious. They “play” in our minds and influence our behaviour without us being aware. Tapes have the power to set you up for a specific outcome.
Fixed or limiting beliefs are the beliefs we hold about ourselves, others and life circumstances that have been repeated for so long they have become ingrained and are difficult to change. Limiting beliefs are the beliefs we have about ourselves that limit what we reach and achieve. They generally stop up from receiving any positive information which confirming any new negative information. If you pay attention to your inner dialog (self-talk), you may find beliefs that lead to anxiety, depression and irritation. Such beliefs can sap your motivation and hinder or prevent you from finding creative solutions to your problems.
How can we overcome our emotional blocks?
1. Set goals. Goal setting is a fundamental part of success – it helps us know where we’re going so we can move ahead in the right direction, and also measure how we’re tracking. If we can’t accurately define our goals, what chance do we have of actually achieving them? Have you ever heard the expression “Failing to plan is a plan to fail”? This is where it comes in.
2. Monitor your progress. Once you know where you want to go, you can accurately and honestly assess exactly where you currently are. Knowing where you are in relation to where you want to be enables you to monitor your progress. Take inventory of your current situation to get an accurate picture of where you are.
3. Review your focus point. It’s important to focus on what you do want to take your focus on the negatives and looking at what you don’t want. While it can be important to consider the worst case scenario so we can avoid possible pitfalls, we need to resist any temptation to focus on that conclusion – we can do this by focusing more on the best case scenario. Sometimes the fear of failing or making a costly mistake can act like a powerful emotional magnet that captures our attention in subtle ways. Overcoming this emotional block is like learning to ride a bike, if you look down, it’s likely that you will fall off but if you look where you’re going – you’ll move ahead in that direction.
4. Discover your internal conflict. If we haven’t taken the time to discover our deepest personal standards and values, then we are vulnerable to this kind of inner disharmony. To create internal harmony, we must live and act in harmony with our core values and beliefs, but we can’t do that if we don’t know what those values are. Pay careful attention to this, especially if there seems to be some self-sabotaging tendencies. The best way to avoid this emotional block is to analyse your deepest core values and ensure everything is in harmony with them, or if not, knowing how to change them. If you struggle with this, I highly recommend the book Schema Therapy by Jeffrey E Young.
5. Review limiting beliefs. Limiting or obsolete beliefs are your beliefs about what you think you are not capable of, and what you think you do or do not deserve. They may have been established during childhood and have now become redundant or outlived their purpose. Others may be leftover from situations and circumstances that are no longer relevant. If this is your greatest emotional block, you may need to seek assistances from a psychologist to get past it.
6. Delegate personal responsibility. The quality of our life is our personal responsibility. We can either accept conditions as they are, or accept the responsibility to change them. We are the only person responsible for our decisions and actions. Taking personal responsibility is one of the most liberating things you can do because it completely eliminates the temptation to blame anyone or anything and it puts you in control.
7. Embrace change. When we successfully break out emotional attachments to “what is”, we allow room for growth. On an emotional level, there is a sense of security related to “hanging on” and this causes us to be resistant to change. As you embrace small changes in your life, your emotional security anchors shift, over time your resistance will fade and you will find comfort and security in a more fluid reality. When this happens, continued personal growth becomes your new security anchor. Practise letting go – it can be challenging but it is rewarding.
Rational people with good mental health know what they want, how they feel and why they feel that way. They find solutions to problems quickly. They have similar challenges to less happy people – but they are able to deal with them faster. Healthy people don’t get stuck for long – they rarely sabotage themselves because they acknowledge the damaging effects it can have. What have you done to overcome your emotional blocks in the past?
All about narcissistic abuse and how to escape
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: one of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated. Anonymous
Have you been the target of narcissistic abuse and despite trying everything, you’re still finding it difficult to move forward with your life? Are you in a relationship with someone that has you doubting yourself and you’re never sure if you’re coming or going and even though it’s painful, you can’t let go? Was your relationship once Hollywood-perfect but now you feel stuck and trapped by threats of retribution? I bet you’re riddled with paranoid thoughts about the next thing you’re about to say or do – things you never questioned before… It’s time to wake up and BE YOUR OWN HERO!
Find out more about it here.
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