How to take responsibility for your life
Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will – his personal responsibility. Albert Einstein
One thing that really upsets me is when someone lashes out or acts up and then says “I’m sorry … I’ve been really depressed lately.” To me, this is manipulation and it’s insincere which makes it harder for me to forgive the person.
Take some responsibility! You’re in charge of how you treat others! Depression is NO excuse. If you are depressed, start focusing on how you are affecting others around you and act to not disturb others in a negatively geared way. Just because you are feeling crumby, doesn’t mean those around you have to.
Great. So now you feel crumby, you’re frustrated with yourself, you can’t get out of bed AND now you can’t socialise just in case you affect someone else? Well … might as well just dig a hole and lie in it – right? WRONG! Here are some tips on where to go from here.
Cut out the bad guys
If you’re not feeling right and acting up, you will typically find that there are toxic people in your life bringing you down. Maybe one of your friends is a Negative Nancy. Perhaps it’s your lover? These are the people you need to decide that you will do better without. It may be difficult, but the short term pain of evicting these people from your life is well worth the long-term gain. Your current circumstances have evolved from decisions you have made – you decide who is in your life and who isn’t – start here when you start again.
Apologise to the people you have hurt
Now you know who you want in your life – and should have good reason for each of them, apologise openly to anyone in this group of people who you have hurt. Express that it wasn’t your intention to cause them pain, and perhaps you weren’t being yourself at the time (DO NOT blame being depressed!). Once you have sincerely apologised, ask if they can help you make it up to them. If the person makes a reasonable request, then try to act on it.
Take responsibility
Start making changes to alter your actions and change the end result for next time. Learn from your mistakes and take the lesson in life with you. According to Joan Didion, “The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs”. Starting again is challenging, but concentrate on re-building your self-esteem and self-respect. Learn to trust yourself again so you don’t continue to let yourself down. Look at your life and really consider if things are in line with your values and beliefs. If not, it’s time to cut them loose and make some changes.
It is a painful thing to look at your own trouble and know that you yourself and no one else has made it. Sophocles
How to take responsibility for your actions
Stop reacting
When our actions cause pain to others, it is generally because we have reacted to something which has caused us pain. We are superimposing our circumstances onto other people’s lives as a means of taking control – this is not only unhealthy, but it’s a fast way of losing all the good and positive people from your life.
Reflect what changing your actions will mean to you
Ask yourself what accepting responsibility for your actions/thoughts will mean to you. How frequently do you blame others for your circumstances? Why do you feel like a victim? Once you’ve thought about all of these things, talk to yourself and start accepting that your actions have lead you to this circumstance, but if you change that going forward – your outcome may be much brighter for the future.
Do not give up!
Giving up and staying depressed is such a cop out. Quit using lazy excuses and start living proactively! It takes effort to keep going through tough circumstances, it takes effort to continually evaluate things and strive for the best, and continue to better yourself, and it takes effort to make up for any hurt you have caused, and effort to take responsibility for yourself. If you have got yourself into a rut, there is one thing that is for sure, you will be the best person to get yourself back out of the rut. While you can lean on some people around you for help and to offload – you also need to take responsibility, lean on yourself, trust yourself to make the right choices going forward.
Forgive yourself
The hardest part, but most important, in taking responsibility for your actions is to forgive yourself for what you have done to lead to your current (undesirable) circumstances. If you can step back from everything, acknowledge that you have made a mistake, and promise yourself that you will do better or try harder the next time around, then really, half your battle is fought.
Take responsibility for your emotions
Don’t blame others for your unhappiness. Take responsibility for the way you feel and act. According to Denis Waitley, “A sign of wisdom and maturity is when you come to terms with the realisation that your decisions cause your rewards and consequences. You are responsible for your life, and your ultimate success depends on the choices you make”.
So to summarise – how do you take responsibility for your life? Easy: make the right decisions. And then for the good news according to Hal Elrod: “The moment you take responsibility for everything in your life, is the moment you can change anything in your life”.
Identifying emotional manipulation – before it hurts you
Fool on me once, shame on you. Fool on me twice, shame on me. Chinese Proverb.
We’ve all been emotionally manipulated at some stage in our lives, perhaps it’s happening to you right now. Can you recognise when your lover, friend, family turns a situation around to make them the victim, making you feel ashamed, disappointed in yourself and confused? Perhaps you’ve even felt violated upon reflecting on the situation and seeing it as it was. This article will help you to identify emotional manipulators, disable their behaviours so they don’t affect you and avoid negative feelings/behaviours and toxic relationships as a result.
All about assertive communication
The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behaviour affect the rights and wellbeing of others. Sharon Anthony Bower
Never allow a person to tell you no who doesn’t have the power to say yes. Eleanor Roosevelt
Assertive communication helps us express our feelings, thoughts and wants in a way that allows us to stand up for our rights without infringing on the rights of other people. Like any social behaviour, assertiveness skills have to be learned and practiced.
Assertive communication involves the following steps:
Identify your communication style
Passive – I talk softly and rarely stand up for my rights. I usually try to avoid conflict and arguments. I don’t usually get rejected directly, but people take advantage of me because I am afraid to say no – then I get angry and resentful when my needs are not met.
Aggressive – I always get my way, even if I have to hurt or offend people to get it. People never push me around. I use my position, power, and harsh or manipulative words. I speak in a loud voice. I can be abusive and enjoy getting even with people.
Passive Aggressive – I’m sly, sarcastic and subtly insulting. I protect myself by avoiding problems and risks. I deliberately ruin other people’s plan or projects. I talk about others in negative ways. I dress however I want, regardless of the situation.
Assertive – I often get what I want without offending other people. I am clear and direct when I communicate and am able to express my thoughts, feelings and wants easily. I am honest and show my confidence without being aggressive about it.
Identify your solutions style
Usually you may have no problem being assertive, but when it comes to solving a problem tend to become passive or aggressive. Use the examples above to identify what communication style you use when solving a problem.
Know your values and beliefs
Your beliefs and values were moulded during childhood and include rules about “good” and “bad” ways to act as taught by our parents and other role models.
Learn the responsibilities that come with effective communication
* Assess your true feelings without exaggeration or minimising. Express your feelings appropriately without insulting anyone
* Reply as soon as possible without taking an unreasonable amount of time
* Thinking through your opinions and realising others can disagree
* Learn from mistakes rather than punishing yourself or others for them
* Act responsibly
* Feel appropriate anger and happiness, and share those feelings with the people involved
* Don’t impose your personal beliefs or standards on others
* Think through your responses before answering a question
* Respect your commitments and allow enough time to fulfil promises
* Talk about your needs and learn to compromise
* Express your feelings without infringing on the rights and responsibilities of others
* Avoid labelling or making unfair judgements on yourself or others.
Learn to use assertive communication
Express yourself in a way that doesn’t violate the legitimate right of others by using “I” statements, thinking through responses and using correct assertive body language. Remember, there are four parts to a message:
Feelings – by sharing your feelings it allows others to have more understanding. Sharing the way you feel will give others the opportunity to behave in a way that meets your needs. For example: “When you are condescending, I feel disrespected” or “When you hug me, I feel loved”.
Observations – sharing what your senses tell you: it should always be factual. For example: “I heard you call me an idiot” or “I saw you break the door”.
Thoughts – sharing your beliefs and theories shows others that you have attempted to make sense of the situation. For example: “I think it’s hurtful to call me an idiot” or “I think I’m ready to do this course because it will challenge me”.
Needs – It is important to express your needs with other people because they can’t read your mind. For example: “I need some time to think about this” or “I want some quiet so I can concentrate on reassessing my goals”.
Now to put the whole message together
“I feel _______(emotion)_______ when ______(situation)______, because _____(reason)_____, and I need ______(request)________.”
For example:
“I feel disappointed when you tell me I can’t do something because you haven’t given me a chance to try it and I need that chance to be disproved before I feel you can make your judgement.”
It may feel unnatural at first, but it just takes practice. The more natural it becomes, the more you will begin to see an improvement in the amount of successful resolutions in your daily situations.
Mind your (body) language
How you express yourself is just as important as what is said. If your body language is assertive, you will:
* Maintain eye contact: don’t stare, but avoid looking down or away
* Keep good posture (stand or sit up straight) and remain at a good distance from the other person – don’t stand too close
* Avoid fidgeting
*Keep your posture open and relaxed, relax your shoulders
* Naturally and briefly open your arms and use other hand gestures to emphasise your words
* Maintain a level tone of voice, and speak clearly at a volume that can easily be heard
* Concentrate on breathing normally speaking at a normal volume
* Keep facial expressions that fit the message you are trying to convey.
Diplomatic communication
Diplomacy is taking responsibility for getting your own needs met in a way that preserves the dignity of the other people involved. Like tact, diplomacy involves careful consideration of the feelings and values of another so as to create harmonious relationships with a reduced potential for offence. It is the ability to communicate hurtful information without offending through the use of consideration, compassion, kindness and reason. Characteristics of diplomatic communication include open, inoffensive communication that is clear, flexible, with specific wording, a positive approach, non-judgemental and demonstrates a relaxed manner both verbally and non-verbally.
How to act diplomatically
– Make a conscious decision to act assertively. Avoid aggressive words and behaviours
– Be decisive when saying no. Explain your reasons without being apologetic
– Approach conflicts diplomatically
– Practice talking assertively with a friend
– Respect the wants, needs and feelings of others and accept their perspective may differ from yours
– Use active listening to ensure people know you have heard them. Ask questions to clarify
– Take a problem-solving approach to conflict and see the other person as your collaborator
– Concentrate on facts
– Use direct language “I think” or “It looks like” rather than “You do this or that”
– Don’t interrupt people when they are talking. Understand what people are saying
– Resist interruptions until you have finished your thoughts. Don’t be scared to say “Just a moment, I haven’t finished…” and continue
– Be conscious of your body language: stop smiling too much, nodding too much, tilting your head or dropping your eyes in response to another person’s gaze.
How to diffuse an argument assertively
– Organise to have the conversation at another time and leave
– If you stay, remain calm, steer the conversation back to the original point, try to understand the other person’s perspective and try to find a common ground
– Accept that other issues may be motivating the person’s behaviour and don’t take it personally
– Avoid taking heat-of-the-moment criticism to heart
– Learn from mistakes and try to negotiate positive scenarios in future with a better outcome. Move the discussion to talk about how you will behave differently in future to get a desired outcome.
Benefits of assertive communication
– Improved confidence and self-esteem
– Better problem solving ability and less conflicts to manage
– Increased resilience
– Reduced stress/anxiety
– Learning the clearest, most productive and effective way to communicate honestly and openly
– The “feel good” feeling we get when we do it correctly – like teamwork!
– Improves relationships and leads to the development of mutual respect
– Assisting us to achieve our goals
– Minimising hurting and alienating people
– Protecting us from being taken advantage of by others
– Making better choices and good decisions
– Expressing ourselves (verbally and non-verbally) about positive and negative topics.
Quick Tips: Being assertive
– Be clear about your objectives: specify what you want and your needs, but be opening to listen to other people’s perspectives and criticisms
– Show respect: stay calm, be kind, maintain an even tone of voice
– Acknowledge the other person’s perspective
– Meet someone at their eye level – sit down or stand up with someone to equalise the balance of power
– Choose your words wisely – put yourself in the picture by using “I” statements, don’t get personal
– Ask questions to clarify the speaker’s intent
– Allow others to assert themselves – don’t interrupt
– Compromise where you can: meet people half way to get more win-win situations.
Speak positively or don’t speak at all
Watch your manner of speech if you wish to develop a peaceful state of mind. Start each day by affirming peaceful, contented and happy attitudes and your days will tend to be pleasant and successful. Norman Vincent Peale
Our mothers told us: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all”. Over time this message has disintegrated, and more often we are seeing negativity creep into our conversations – socially and at work.
There are several reasons for speaking positive, and they all lead to having a positive impact on our own wellbeing as well as the wellbeing of the people we are talking to. I am also going to give a few tips and tricks for how to speak positively, once you’re in the mindset it can be easy, but sometimes a situation may be going pear-shaped with someone else’s negativity and knowing how to turn that around is a really important skill to have.
Why speak positively – what’s in it for us?
1. It actually takes more energy to speak negatively than it does to speak positively. When we’re negative about someone or something it brings us and everyone around us down, but when we speak positively, it lifts everyone up and builds confidence and rapport.
2. The more positive you are, the better you look to those you communicate with. If you’re dissing someone or something, it only makes one person look bad and that’s you. It will also create a barrier between you and the person you’re communicating with as they wonder if you’ll speak about them in a similar way.
3. It has been scientifically proven that speaking positively will make you feel good, and will also positively impact the person you’re communicating with – double win!
4. The way you speak and the words you choose tells people a lot about you: your attitudes, beliefs, feelings and expectations.
How to speak positively
– Avoid negative thinking. If you think negatively about something in particular, make it off-limits when you’re talking to people
– Think about the good things that someone or something does, or find the positive in the conversation and mention it with a smile. For example, you’ve struggled dealing with a company before and now you need to work with them. Your manager mentions they have new management. Smile and say: “I’ve had trouble dealing with them in the past, but hopefully the new management has changed things for the better – let’s do it!”
– Concentrate on your choice of words. Avoid using negative words such as no, don’t, can’t, won’t, not, isn’t etc.
– If you have something positive to say – say it!
– When someone is steam-rolling with negativity, it can be hard to turn the situation around. The best way to do it is find something that they have said, agree and then go a bit further with why their thought was positive. Always try to speak with a smile, especially if you’re dealing with someone difficult, it will soften the situation!
Remember: speaking positively is a skill – it needs to be practised and constantly worked at – but it’s worth it!
Being happy with what you have (or how to change it!)
Happiness is self-contentedness. Aristotle
Being happy with what you have is the fastest way to be truly happy every day. Unfortunately, you may have experienced losing something or someone that was making you happy, simply by taking it for granted. Many people don’t learn from this mistake – mostly because they don’t know how and they’re not open to changing their ways.
In 1965 at President Johnson’s second inauguration, Rabbi Hyman Schachtel said: “Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.” Appreciating what you have makes us happy because it gives us the opportunity to step back from the detail and have a look at the overall picture. Honestly appreciating the people in your life and making time to show them your gratitude (by spending time with them or doing small things for them, even just letting them know) will make you a happier person because it gives you presence and helps you to honour your life as it is. Being thankful for these small but significant blessings is a choice, and a simple positive decision can open you to positive feedback.
In fact, research has shown that gratitude enhances your quality of life. A studied by two psychologists (Michael McCollough of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, and Robert Emmons of the University of California at Davis) showed that daily gratitude resulted in higher levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, optimism and energy. It also showed less cases of depression and stress, the subjects were more likely to help others, appreciated regular exercise and made greater progress towards achieving goals.
How to appreciate what you have
There is no specific method in learning to appreciate what you have – but there are some exercises you can do to start practising.
1. A gratitude journal. Write down three to ten things you appreciate each day before bed
2. A gratitude letter. Write a letter to someone who has exerted a positive influence in your life but who you haven’t had a chance to properly thank
3. A 21-day challenge. Avoid complaining, criticising or gossiping for 21 days. Experts suggest wearing a coloured wristband throughout your time to keep you constantly aware of the challenge
4. A gratitude charm bracelet. Make and wear a symbol of your gratitude every day to remind you to appreciate the things that you DO have in life
5. Enjoy the moment. The ability to appreciate what’s in front of you has nothing to do with what you actually have. It’s more about how you measure the good things in your life at any given time
6. See every day as an opportunity. Set attainable goals and look at each day as an opportunity to improve on yesterday, rather than focusing on imperfections. By focusing on improvements, you’ll naturally move toward your larger dreams and will respect the way you’re doing things
7. Take action. If something is negative, be positive. If something isn’t right, change it so it is. Be the change you seek and set an example for those around you
8. Be responsible. Be who you want to be and act accordingly. If you don’t like something about yourself, have the courage to start looking at what it is and changing it
9. Want the things you already have. Be mindful of the achievements (and even material possessions) you have obtained in life and use them to your full advantage. Make a list of your achievements and accomplishments. Take time to reflect on how far you have come to appreciate where you are now
10. Understand what makes you happy. Learn to appreciate your individuality – no one is perfect, but you can be the perfect form of yourself
11. Meditate each day on the things that make you happy. Really take the time to focus on these positive things and give thanks
12. Treat yourself regularly. You can only appreciate the people and things around you when you appreciate yourself. Remember to reward yourself (a positive action) when you reach gratitude goals
13. Be grateful for your health. Ensure you maintain peak condition by eating the right foods and participating in regular exercise.
14. Practise seeing what you have. Avoid waiting until you lose something to appreciate it! Start a list of the things you’re grateful for – it may include: family, friends, lovers, health, your environment, your senses, electricity, music, recycling, air conditioning, your happiness etc
15. Volunteer for the less fortunate. Spending time working with the homeless, sick or another disadvantaged group is a great way to put the things you do have into perspective
16. Make a scrapbook of the good things in your life. This will be a visual reminder with pictures or symbolic representations of the things you’re most grateful for
17. Watch a powerful movie such as “The Pursuit of Happyness” or “Pay it Forward” to motivate you to continue taking steps to show your appreciation of life.
Appreciating people in our life
Unfortunately, it’s often people we lose more than material things when we’re taking something for granted. And it isn’t until they’re gone that we realise our behaviour. How can you avoid this?
1. Remember the reasons that person is close to you. What qualities attracted you to them in the first place? How often do you appreciate these qualities? Remember why they’re a part of your life
2. Tell the people in your life you love them and why you think they’re special. Verbalising you’re positive feelings will reinforce them in your heart
3. Recognise the person’s current expressions of the same qualities that attracted you in the beginning. Living in the moment helps us to really see how valuable others are to us
4. Take time to respond when someone you care about is doing something that you appreciate. Send a clear message of appreciation – a smile, a comment, a helping hand, a gift, positive feedback… it can be anything
5. Spend time each day appreciating these special people in your life and listing the reasons why. This will affect your attitude towards the special people in your life – making it positive!
How to change things when you don’t appreciate them
Having the courage to change things when you’re not happy with them can take a lot of courage. Sometimes we are too comfortable with things to change them, sometimes we have good excuses for why we should stick with the way things are (often holding onto hot coals for far too long), and sometimes it’s just laziness.
1. Figure out what you need to change and be clear with yourself why it needs to change
2. Set yourself a goal to break the habit or change the situation – including a deadline
3. Make the change happen. Reward yourself when you complete the change and build a new, positive habit (or situation) in its place.
Habits of happy people
Source: Edit Kolesza Photographer
http://www.koleszafoto.hu
Our happiness depends on the habit of mind we cultivate. So practice happy thinking every day. Cultivate the merry heart, develop the happiness habit, and life will become a continual feast. Norman Vincent Peale
Happiness is not for the lazy – it’s something that needs to be practiced and worked towards every day. When admiring someone that always appears happy and confident in your life, it’s suggested you examine their habits and consider adopting some of these for yourself in order to expand on your own happiness. By adopting the habits of happy people around us, we leave ourselves flexible to change and open to growing.
Looking online for a list of happy people habits returns countless lists that each numbers the principals. This is where quality not quantity is important. You may also find webinars and courses just teaching people the habits of happy people. Once reading the list, I encourage people to do their own research and adopt the best principles for them, individually.
* Make the most of each day and appreciate life – avoid taking things for granted. Be thankful for the small things and focus on the beauty in everything.
* Select your friends wisely – surround yourself with happy, positive and encouraging people who share your values and goals.
* Try to brighten the day of everyone you come into contact with. Accept easily. Respect people for who they are, touch them with kindness, help where you are able, avoid wanting to change anyone – just because you do something differently, doesn’t mean your way is correct.
* Be inquisitive and open to learning new things. Try new and daring adventures or activities.
* View problems or obstacles as challenges that provide opportunities to create positive change. Trust your instincts.
* Do what you love. Choose a career you’re passionate about. Always make time to enjoy your hobbies and pursue special interests.
* Live in the present. Be mindful of the things in your life, your actions and your words. You can’t change the past or control the future. By living in the now you can make conscious decisions that will help you in the future and make your present much happier. The past can’t hurt you anymore unless you allow it. “Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure,” Oprah Winfrey.
* Be helpful. Brian Tracy said: “Successful people are always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful people are always asking: What’s in it for me?” When you help others, you feel a purpose, being intentionally unhelpful is negative and breeds negativity.
* Laugh readily. Learn to laugh at yourself. Don’t put people down or laugh at the expense of others.
* Forgive easily. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, take ownership and learn from it and forgive others when they wrong you or they will take energy that could otherwise be used in a positive way.
* Develop an attitude of gratitude. Say “thank you” for even small things people do for you. Take time to let people know how grateful you are to have them in your life.
* Love unconditionally. Let the people that matter in your life know you love them – even in times of conflict. Make time to spend with your family and friends. Avoid breaking commitments or promises. Be supportive where you can. Always act with love.
* Be honest. Every action and decision you make should be based on honesty. Most importantly, always be true to yourself. Deception will burn positive energy unnecessarily.
* Meditate. Meditation will increase energy and you will function at a higher level. There are several types of meditation – e.g. visualisation, hypnosis, yoga, Pilates, affirmations etc. – pick the one that best suits you and meditate regularly.
* Live your life your way. Mind your own business and avoid gossiping about others. Try not to get overly concerned with what other people are doing or saying. Don’t judge. Have the freedom to always be yourself.
* Be optimistic. Everything happens for a reason – look for all the positives. Don’t give up. If you can’t find a positive in something – create it! Winners have the ability to manufacture their own optimism. Failure is an opportunity to grow and learn a new life lesson. People who think optimistically see the world as a place packed with endless opportunities, especially in trying times.
* Be persistent. Focus on what you want, learn the required skills, make a plan to succeed and take action. Have confidence in yourself – you will always be happiest while pursuing something of value.
* Dare to dream and dream BIG! Be creative and always push yourself forward. “Aim for the stars because when you aim for the stars, you will reach the moon. When you aim for the moon, you fall; rest in the clouds. When you aim for the clouds, you clench the tree tops. When you aim for the tree tops, you fall on your butt. Maintain high hopes and you will succeed,” Unknown. It’s better to aim high and miss, than to aim low and reach target!
* Be proactive. Determine how you can take control by creating the outcome you desire. Don’t worry about the future and forget about the past. Accept your limitations. George Bernard Shaw said: “A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing”.
* Look after yourself. Your health includes mind and body. Get regular check ups, eat healthily, drink plenty of water, get plenty of rest and exercise regularly. Constantly challenge your mind and body. Albert Einstein said: “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving”.
* Be yourself. It’s exactly as Dolly Parton said: “Find out who you are and do it on purpose”. Determine who you are, your likes and dislikes, and always be yourself. Have confidence in who you are – always expect the best and always do the best you can. Avoid self-doubt completely.
* Love yourself. Be your own best friend. Learn to enjoy your own company. Accept your flaws. Dr Seuss said it best: “Today you are You – that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You!” If you don’t like something about yourself, work hard towards changing it.
*Take responsibility. Lead by example. Be responsible for your life: your moods, attitude, thoughts, feelings, actions and words. Admit when you have made a mistake.
* Set goals. Make a plan to succeed and take action.
* Make a positive future for yourself. Focus on creating a future around your dreams.
* Clear out the clutter. Don’t live in a mess and don’t hold onto things of the past … unless they’re photographs, reminding you of happier times. The only things you need are: food, shelter, clothing, loved ones and a few personal items. Do you have too many people cluttering your Facebook? It may be time for a good clean up.
* Find your passion. What gets you excited? How often do you associate with that? Perhaps it’s time to spend more time with your passion. Be creative about how you’re going to work your passions into your day.
* Have fun! Go and see a comedy, have a picnic, read some jokes… Incorporate fun into your everyday life. Learn to control your stress, rather than letting it control you.
*Nurture your relationships. Studies show that superficial interaction like chatting to the postman can make you feel like you belong to a community, but intimate relationships are what keeps us going when times get tough. Don’t be afraid of reaching out when you need someone.
* Enjoy the simple pleasures. The best things in life are often free. Make it a point to bring pleasure into your life and really savour the delights that are abundant around you already. Watch a sunrise or a sunset. Sit in the sunshine for a while. Be grateful for nature.
* Be mindful of your perspective. Practise looking at situations from all perspectives before you act or react. Sometimes a new perspective is all we need to change a situation.
* Speak kindly to people. Don’t put people down – build them up. Concentrate on the good in everyone around you. Practice acts of kindness and selflessly help people around you – this releases serotonin, not only in yourself but also for anyone watching you.
* Live with purpose. Always dedicate some time to a cause – it may be directly helping others through volunteering – know your purpose. Join something you believe in.
* Let go of what other people think. Really happy people rarely let negative people and their attitudes affect them.
* Make friends. Happy people are always looking to make friends. They just wants someone new to laugh and be happy with. By default, happy people are friendly people.
* Reflect on the good things. Make time to positively reflect on your successes. It’s important to mindfully reflect on the good, while striving diligently to correct the bad. A continuous general awareness of your daily successes can have a noticeably positive affect on your overall emotional happiness.
* Exploit the resources you DO have. Use your resources well and consider this: Stevie Wonder couldn’t see, so he exploited his sense of hearing into a passion for music, and he now has twenty-five Grammy Awards to show for it.
* Create your own happy ending. The end of any experience can have a profound impact on the person’s overall perception of the experience as a whole. If the ending is happy, the experience creates happiness. Always tie loose ends, leave things on a good note and create happy endings in your life whenever possible.
* Focus on your strengths. Emotional happiness comes naturally to those who use their strengths to get things done. The state f completion always creates a sense of achievement.
* Avoid comparing yourself. Material blessings, good looks, social position or seemingly happy families do not make a happy person. A happy person typically compares himself to mentors and role models to improve their character. The majority of the time social comparison doesn’t stem from a healthy place, so if you feel called to compare yourself to something: compare yourself to an earlier version of yourself.
* Practice habits of happy people. Concentrate on the present, compare yourself only to saints, be grateful and remember that present hardships are temporary.
* Develop coping strategies. It helps to have healthy coping strategies that are pre-rehearsed, on-call and ready for you at any time. Positive coping mechanisms are the best, so brainstorming them for a rainy day will certainly come in handy.
There is no right or wrong principle to adopt – if the habits of a happy person were as easy as a one-size-fits-all solution, these pages on the Internet wouldn’t exist. If you enjoyed this blog, I recommend trying some of the fantastic activities outlined on the Be Happy 4 Life website: http://www.behappy4life.com/behappyprogram.html.
Eliminating the cloud of a bad mood
Bad moods become bad days, which become bad weeks, which become bad months and years. Before you know it, you’re living an unhappy life and you probably think this is normal. It’s a shame, because life can and should be wonderful. You can transcend the circumstances that are pulling you down you need only to learn how. Brenda Anderson
Everyone has good moods and bad moods. While a lot of us know it affects the people around us, not many of us are aware of how we can stop it from bringing others down around us. Research has shown that moods are contagious – but psychologists have said they don’t need to be. Let’s look at how you can prevent someone else’s bad mood from getting you down, how you can take responsibility for your bad moods and avoid getting other people down, and give some quick tips to getting out of a bad mood quickly.
How to prevent someone else’s bad mood from getting you down
Emotions are contagious. Carl Jung
Just as there’s happiness, there’s also clouds of depression that effect people and while it’s hard to watch the people we love suffer, it’s important not to let it affect us. Emotional or mood contagion is scientific theory whereby people ‘catch’ bad moods from other people. According to prominent social psychologist, Dr. Elaine Hatfield, it is impossible to ‘turn off’ the contagion effect completely, but simply being aware of the infectious nature of emotions can help you avoid undesirable moods. Remember, there is no benefit in you and your friend or lover both being in a bad mood, so here’s how to try to avoid letting someone’s bad mood affect you:
Be aware of their mood
While it can be very hard to be around someone when they’re in a bad mood, sometimes it is unavoidable. In this case, you first need to acknowledge their bad mood and accept it. Don’t talk to them about it, don’t point it out, don’t make them feel any worse than they already do … just accept it. Remember: no one actually enjoys being in a bad mood.
It’s their problem – don’t analyse it
Sensitive people tend to instantly assume responsibility, so avoid doing this. Keep the distance by telling yourself that their bad mood is their problem – then step back and let them solve it. Avoid wasting your energies on thinking about it, analysing it (or helping them to analyse it), or coming up with solutions to fix it. Anyone seeking a solution will find it themselves, when they’re ready.
Avoid reacting to it
Try to remain cheerful and reflect your happiness back onto them. Generally if we can catch a bad mood from someone, they can also catch a good mood – however, some of us are more emotionally aware than others. So if this fails, don’t take their mood personally and shift your focus to something you enjoy. Positive self-talk is particularly important in these situations, so try some affirmations to keep your energies heightened, avoid looking them in the face when they are being negative (it’s been proven that the person’s expression will impact you more than what is actually said), and distance yourself when you can.
Take responsibility for your moods: avoid getting people down
Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day. Unknown
Question your bad mood
Don’t accept the way you are feeling and ruin your day – you only live once – start questioning the way you are feeling. How and why did this mood come about? Are you doing something you shouldn’t? Did something happen that you’re uncomfortable with? By identifying the cause of your bad mood, you will increase your self-awareness, will be in a better position to address and correct your bad mood and will be able to deal with things differently in future.
Avoid other people
The best way to deal with a bad mood and not let it affect the people around you is to excuse yourself for the day and have some time by yourself. Spend the day doing activities you enjoy – watch a movie, listen to music, go for a walk/exercise etc. If you can’t excuse yourself, then try to enjoy the situation you’re in for what it is. Break everything down. Don’t think too far ahead – keep things simple. Remember: your mood will pass.
Talk to yourself
Don’t talk to others about it – talk to the person hurting and the one who matters, talk to yourself. Be aware of your self-talk. Keep it positive. Do some affirmations. Tell yourself the mood will pass. If it is caused by something that has happened outside of your control, accept it – there’s nothing you can do about it, but think about how you will respond. Be positive – focus on how to get yourself feeling good again, not the fact that you are currently feeling bad.
Take responsibility
Don’t expect someone to solve the mood for you or come up with solutions. When you’re ready to come out of the dark cloud of your bad mood, you will. Look at how you are coping with your mood and strive to find better ways to cope with it.
Watch what you say and how you act around others
You may feel lame at the moment, but this mood won’t last. As Robert H. Schuller says: “Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come.” Be open to changing your mood. Watch what you say – optimistic people act and talk in certain ways, using certain words which affects their mood and energy levels. Changing your words can actually change your attitude and feelings. It’s important to be conscious not to bring others down in what you say – because if you make people feel bad, they’ll think twice before hanging around with you again.
How to get out of a bad mood
When I wake up in a bad mood, I try not to stay in one. Learn to make the best of what you have. Faith Hill
– Take some time out to be alone and get on top of your bad mood. Use this time to get to the root of your bad mood – start identifying what has put you in this mood, brainstorming on a piece of paper may make this easier
– Acknowledge your bad mood with the people around you – don’t pretend you’re ok
– Complete this sentence “I’ll feel better when I…” and then action it
– Be proactive in fixing your mood – get outside and do something. Take a walk. Work in the garden. Play with your pets. Do some stretching. Get some sunshine!
– Listen to music that could improve your mood- Meditate. Concentrate on positive visualisation and calming breathing exercises. Spend some time reflecting and keeping calm. Add some incense or aromatherapy to heighten your senses
– Watch a comedy or look at funny/positive and distracting pictures that will boost your mood – YouTube is always a winner here or looking at pictures from happier times will always help
– Talk to someone who cares. If there is a problem – nothing will help more than a kind listening ear and a loving heart
– Make a list of self-soothing ideas and things that will make you feel better in your next bad mood. Action some of these now to assist you – never underestimate the power of self-care, we all need time to ourselves and to treat ourselves
– Consciously change your attitude – it’ll change your day
– Do some kind of exercise – star jumps, push ups, sit ups, weights or a brisk walk around the block should boost your endorphins
– Eat a small piece of dark chocolate, it’s been medically proven to act as an anti-depressant in small doses
– Once you’re open to changing your mood and feeling more social, hang around positive and uplifting people
– Change your posture to change your mood: unhappy people shuffle their feet, taking tiny steps, walk slowly and slouch – BUT! Happy people take big steps, walk faster and stand taller. They exude an endless supply of energy
– Give yourself a break. Don’t be down on yourself, you’re feeling bad enough as it is. Accept your mood – everyone has bad moods, and don’t let it wreck your day
– Sleep it off. Sometimes the only way out of a bad mood is just to catch up on some sleep
– Book something to look forward to. Maybe it’s time to plan a holiday, a nice weekend away or just a decent night out on the town. Start planning something special you can look forward to – your mood could be a result of burning out, in which case, it’s a well-deserved reward
– Get some perspective. Avoid concentrating on what you don’t have and can’t do, and concentrate on what you do have and what you can do. Look at the bigger picture
– Look after yourself: listen to your body and address those needs. Are you hungry? Do you need more sleep? You may be too hot or too cold? Dehydrated? Make yourself as comfortable as you can
– Make it a goal to live more and stress less: start actioning that
– Avoid people who add stress to your life, surround yourself with positive people that love you and who will boost you up (not that it’s their responsibility but it comes naturally to them)
– Remind yourself that you are in control. Happiness is a choice – as is this bad mood. What are you going to do about it?
– Dance like no one is watching. It may be time to crank up the tunes in your room, stand in front of the mirror and just dance like a crazy person to rid the negative energy
– Do something for someone else: donate to charity, write a letter, buy someone flowers, cook for someone, write a thank you note, send a friend an email
– Change your appearance to make yourself look better. If you look good, you’ll feel good
– Watch what you eat: avoid fatty, battered food – try to eat fresh, healthy food for the day – concentrate on what you put into your body – a healthy body equals a healthy mind. Have a seafood feast – stock up on some Omega 3s to make you feel better – eat plenty of fish. Definitely avoid alcohol while you feel like this – it’s a depressant
– Try to make someone’s day: sometimes boosting other people up around you is enough to boost yourself up. Give a compliment, tell someone they’re special to you, do something kind for someone, go out of your way for them, show someone you appreciate them with a gift
– Set out to achieve something. Set a small goal for the day and plan a way to achieve it
– Watch the decisions you make today. Anything you decide to do will either make you feel better or make you feel worse. Try to make decisions that will help you feel better – the sooner you’re feeling better the sooner you’ll be back to your usual self!
How to survive a bad day at work and return home happy
If you want the rainbow – you gotta put up with the rain. Dolly Parton
It’s become a fact that happy employees make organisations successful – which is why so many companies are catering for people with flexible working hours and staff benefits.
According to research, and the Action For Happiness website, there are three fundamental human needs that must be satisfied for us to function well and be psychologically healthy:
– Autonomy – having choice over our behaviour and actions
– Mastery – feeling competent
– Relatedness – feeling connected to and cared about by others.
You don’t have to be earning hundreds of thousands of dollars to be happy, in fact, there are few who are happy doing this. Often our work detracts from happiness rather than adding to it – so how do you survive a bad day and return home happy?
Be kind to yourself
Everyone has bad moments at work. Take time out, make a cup of coffee, talk to someone, go to the bathroom, walk around the office… whatever it is, just take some time to yourself before going back to work. This will give you time to refocus. Always make sure you take your lunch break – there are no prizes for working overtime and burning out.
Think positive
Remind yourself of the positive aspects of your job and even how you felt when you first got your job. Consider the friends you have made in meeting your work colleagues. Block any negative people or thoughts from your mind, it may be hard, but it will help you get through the day. SHUN OFFICE POLITICS – no one needs that! Remember, tomorrow is a new day and look ahead.
Challenge yourself
Like anything that will lead you to happiness, you need to set your own goals and find your own challenges. If you’re always doing what is asked of you, maybe it’s time to step up and go above and beyond to get a boost.
Re-prioritise your workload
If something has happened to unsettle your day, you may need to adjust your priorities for the day – but always make sure the last half an hour of your day is spent doing something you enjoy within your role.
Focus on what you CAN do
If your boss is upset about something you haven’t done as well as you could have, focus on one of your strengths for the next hour, to boost your confidence back up. And remember, if you’re struggling, you can always ask for help.
Leave it at work
Just as you leave a bad day in your relationship at home and don’t talk about it at work, it is also important that when you return home for the day without anything good to say about your work, then don’t mention it at all. Find another way to alleviate the stress – it will make you feel much better about it.