How to get angry and seek healthy revenge
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddha.
You probably think I’ve lost it – the chief blogger of Happiness Weekly who prides herself on spreading peace and happiness worldwide is writing about getting angry and seeking revenge? What good could come out of embracing an emotion such as anger and responding out of revenge? And I’m not only talking about getting angry but actively seeking revenge?
Yup … I’m crazy. Or am I?
Holding anger in, or suppressing it – which is basically the same – can be unhealthier and even more detrimental to your long-term health, than to actually get angry and respond. Suppressed anger leads to premature death (ie. by 50 years old), long-term depression, increased risk of heart disease, cancer, accidents and suicide.
Not a lot of us have been taught how to get angry. In fact from a young age it’s an emotion that is often to be neither seen nor heard – in my social circle I’ve found that particularly being female impacts this as you’re almost expected not to get angry. Unfortunately when we swallow anger, we also swallow other emotions along with it – such as fear.
I’m often told of people doing the wrong things by each other. It’s happened to me, it’s happened to my friends, it’s happened to colleagues and I’m almost certain at some stage in your life it would have happened to you. In fact, maybe you’re even the person who does the wrong thing sometimes out of anger. That can happen – we’re all human and sometimes we make mistakes – so long as no one gets hurt. So I’m excited about this week’s blog post because this week Happiness Weekly looks at how you can get angry and seek healthy revenge.
Embracing anger
Have you felt that overwhelming sense of anxiety, where you have so many emotions as a result of someone hurting you that you actually don’t know what to do so you’re trembling in silence and almost suffocating in agony? All you seem to be able to feel is sheer frustration combined with immense pain? You may have also felt fear.
Anger, when we don’t know how to deal with it properly, will often manifest as other emotions. When our anger finally does explode, we will generally overreact to something impulsively, irrationally and also may not have as much control as we would if we’d dealt with our anger at the time we felt angry. By dealing with our anger at the time, rather than keeping it suppressed, we can continue living a harmonious life. This doesn’t mean you can punch people out when they do the wrong thing by you, although it may be tempting, so today we’re going to look at the healthy ways you can express your anger.
First, it’s important to acknowledge the upside to anger according to Dr Gary J. Oliver, “One of the many potentially positive aspects of anger is that it can serve as a very powerful and effective warning system. Healthy anger can help us identify problems and needs and provide us with the energy to do something about them.”
How to express your anger in a healthy way
As I said, it’s best not to go knocking people out every time they wrong you – but it’s almost important to allow yourself to have your feelings and ensure you feel validated in feeling the way you do.
When I first considered the concept of getting angry in a healthy way, it was such a foreign concept to me that I kind of laughed. “I don’t even get angry! I just cry!” It was brought to my attention that those tears were caused by years and years of swallowed and suppressed anger. I had actually had a lot of anger bubbling under the surface but I didn’t know how to let it out so I’d never released it.
One concept I had grasped correctly about anger is that anger is an emotion, not an action. This means you need to express it and in expressing it, you need to figure out a healthy way of doing it – such as seeking “healthy revenge”.
Recognising that you’re angry and dealing with it appropriately won’t hurt you or anyone else. As Dr Gary J. Oliver pointed out, anger can carry messages that act as warnings to us – when we swallow our anger for a long time these loud warning bells start getting dimmed and we start overlooking them and accepting circumstances we don’t like, which links back into my article about cognitive dissonance.
How to express your anger in an acceptable way
There’s no right or wrong rule of thumb here, but let’s set some ground rules and boundaries around this to ensure we’re safe and the people around us are safe as well.
– No one (you or others) should get hurt as a result of your expression of angry (this includes hurting their wellbeing or negatively affecting their life)
– There should be no consequences from your actions and if there are, you need to accept the punishment
– Part of knowing how to get angry properly is knowing how to fight fair – if you get angry and then don’t fight fair then you never actually won that fight, whether you feel better about the outcome or not.
Anger Management classes will obviously identify and establish healthy responses to anger. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re passive aggressive (as the movie may suggest) or that you have issues in over-expressing your anger. A few tips for expressing your anger in an acceptable way may include:
– Assertive communication or waiting until the anger has died down and then communicating
– Acknowledge that you feel angry and validate yourself
– Go for a run and really pound your feet against the pavement
– Smash a pillow onto your bed
– Healthy revenge – which I’m going to tell you more about now.
How to seek healthy revenge
The first thing you need to do is cut the fantasy. Yup, you have to stop fantasising over writing rude words in your neighbour’s lawn with weed killer because their loud partying kept you awake til 3am last night. Stop thinking about slashing your ex’s tires because they cheated on you. Stop thinking about picking up your ex-girlfriend’s sleazy best friend to get back at her. Can you see how these fantasies only make one person look bad at the end of the day? Carry it out and I guarantee the only person who will feel bad will be you. Although I’m sure each fantasy may enable you to express your anger, none of them do anyone any good. In fact, these thoughts waste energy, people’s time and money at the end of the day. Although it may make you feel validated at the time and as though you “won”, none of these things will lead to a positive conclusion. So, instead of bothering with any of that, we’re going to concentrate on how you can really get your anger out and win. The best way to do this is to act for the greater good.
OK, now you’ve quit wasting your time on fantasising and let’s work out how you can actually deal with this anger in a healthy way and then how you can seek healthy revenge.
How do you seek revenge in a healthy way?
Warning: DO NOT SEEK REVENGE WHILE YOU’RE STILL ANGRY! If you’re still angry, keep on with the first part of this blog or see a professional psychologist about how you can deal with your anger. Anger is the strongest emotion that can manipulate our responses, causing us to act irrationally.
Now that you’ve dealt with your anger and released it in a healthy way, you’re in a better position to seek revenge. That’s what the first part of this blog was all about, getting in the best possible position you can so that you can use your anger to seek healthy revenge. OK – we’re going to do is something quite radical now…
Instead of seeking revenge on the people who did us wrong, we’re going to look at how we can use this incident to help other people. So literally we’re taking the pain from the situation and we’re going to turn it into power. This is what I’ve been referring to as healthy revenge. This is the only actual revenge that shows you as a positive and balanced individual that is striving for success rather than hurting others as a result of the pain you are feeling. Your response by taking action this way will speak louder, encourage powerful outcomes and create a positive difference – people can see that you got angry in order to take that action but they, and you, will be grateful for the outcome. A really good example of this is Tom Meagher from Melbourne, who contacted the parole board to change their system in order to enable our justice system to protect other women so they don’t get hurt like his wife did. The value that he has added to our world by using his anger to seek positive revenge is incredible.
Well that sounds great! But how do we know what action to take?
This is similar to how you were fantasising about plotting revenge, but instead of listing negative scenarios, we’re listing positive scenarios that will assist you in moving forward from the event that hurt you and left you angry.
The best, most dignified way to get angry about something that happened to you, is to make something positive from it. It’s just up to you to come up with what action that may be.
Here are a few steps you could take in order to take healthy revenge:
Step one: Give yourself permission to go on a healthy revenge mission. A big part of this will include forgiving yourself for any part in what happened
Step two: Consider the most positive thing you can do with your anger – for example, I started supporting a domestic violence charity that shuns violence against women after my experience with narcissistic abuse. This action was just one step in seeking healthy revenge, but it was certainly the most empowering response I could’ve had to the situation.
Step three: Get creative. If you’re really angry, spread it out and get creative about it. Contact politicians, start your own business based on the event that affected you, write the story and educate as many people about what happened to you as possible (imagine if it went global and you saved thousands of people from going through the same thing), hit the gym and workout to be strong enough to defend yourself in case it happens to you again … the list goes on.
Events are just events until we add perspective to them. Anger is the one emotion that leaves us feeling completely powerless – unless we do something positive with it. Even negative revenge is a temporary fix. Don’t let your anger beat you.
Recommended articles
Charlotte Dawson – you will be missed
Sometimes, especially if people are wanting you to kill yourself, and you’re somebody who has previously tried to end your life, it’s very, very easy to feel like that’s exactly what you want to do. Charlotte Dawson – Sixty Minutes 2012.
In all the footage you find of her, Charlotte Dawson appears very brave and courageous – something that adds to the shock of today’s news.
Time and time again Charlotte Dawson appeared as strong as her message. Her intentions in campaigning against bullying, among other things, were so good. She was a role model! She may not have done everything right, but the way she kept getting back up, her strength, her courage … she was a positive figure to aspire to.
But today Charlotte lost her battle with depression. Is it another bullycide? The public may never know.
I didn’t know her personally, but we had something in common: campaigning against bullying and that is why I want to dedicate this post to her.
Charlotte Dawson was a model and television presenter who in recent times had a very public battle with Twitter trolls, some of whom she exposed. You just need to watch this to see for yourself that they were absolutely no match for her – she lived a lavish lifestyle in Woolloomooloo which, despite her struggles, she managed to maintain. Along with the brave front she held together, that’s a massive credit to her!
In this interview she appears so strong about her circumstances, you’d never pick her for having such a horrific battle with depression behind the scenes. And this is exactly why we need to be so careful with what we say to other people. Everyone has their own battles and demons they’re fighting. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago I blogged about being Being conscious of our words and how they affect others and this scenario is exactly why. Bullying is not ok and perhaps Charlotte’s Twitter trolls need to take a long hard look in the mirror before they post again!
Depression affects 1 in 4 four people and by 2020 it will be the world’s second largest killer.
Charlotte leaves us with her messages of hope and strength for those who suffer from depression and a book called Air Kiss and Tell – a very raw biography about her life. Check out this YouTube clip for more: The truth about Charlotte Dawson.
Charlotte Dawson – you may not have felt like much in your final moments – but you will be missed.
In 2012 I wrote a blog about Being proactive against bullying, with solutions – one being to start an online support network where those suffering at the hands of cyber bullies can get instant assistance from someone qualified. Or even unqualified! The idea of having Lifeline online.
“If you’re going to express those points of view, you should do it with a face and a name so you can be accountable,” Charlotte Dawson was quoted saying in an interview with in September 2012 following her Twitter attack that landed her in hospital following an attempted suicide.
Domestic Violence organisation, 1800 RESPECT, has recently introduced a similar functionality on their website where people can go online for direct assistance. We need that for anti-bullying and if anyone has the skills to put it together, I would be more than happy to team up, share ideas and start building it to make it happen.
In the meantime, if you are in crisis or are struggling with depression, please contact Lifeline for assistance: 13 11 14.
Related articles:
Charlotte Dawson found dead
TV celebrity Charlotte Dawson found dead at her Sydney home
Charlotte Dawson found dead in Woolloomooloo home
55 things to do before you self-harm
Why bother inflicting enormous pain on yourself when sooner or later Life would certainly get around to doing it for you? Jeff Lindsay
This week marked R U OK? Day – a national day of action (12 September 2013), dedicated to reminding people to regularly check in with family and friends. It was founded by Gavin Larkin in 2009 after his father committed suicide. It also marked Work Suicide Prevention Day (10 September 2013), which BeyondBlue promoted, noting that 44 Australians take their lives each week.
To pay tribute to these two very important mental health days, Happiness Weekly looks at alternatives to self-harm. It is important to note that just because someone self-harms does not necessarily mean they are intending suicide. However, if you or someone you know is self-harming, please contact Lifeline 13 11 14 or go to a local hospital where you or the person who is hurting themselves can receive the appropriate care they need.
Sometimes, it can be difficult but the fact is, we just need to save ourselves from ourselves … but when you don’t know where to start, it can be nearly impossible. With the idea being to distract yourself, here are some ideas for things to do before you self-harm:
1. Write down why you want to self-harm and what you hope to achieve. Generally you won’t be rational at this time, but really think to yourself whether you will get what you want to achieve by hurting yourself. For example, if this is to win someone’s affections, will they honestly love you more if you do that to yourself? Do you really want other people to see the marks you made during the heat of the moment?
2. Write a bucket list. Before you start hurting yourself, consider everything you want to do, try and achieve in your lifetime. You don’t need to set goals – it could be the smallest of things … but just write them down.
3. Complete a full workout. If nothing else, your endorphins should give you a slight boost. Push yourself until you feel a bit better. It could take up to 45 minutes of solid activity until you feel it, so just keep going!
4. Write it out – keep a diary, write a poem, write the story … whatever it takes. Sometimes the best way to vent is just put it on paper.
5. Plan what you’re going to do on your next free day off work. How are you going to fill in the time for you? Do something nice for yourself. Make sure it’s something you will look forward to.
6. Catch up with a trusted friend and vent. Tell them exactly what you’re feeling and thinking. Explain why you feel that way. If you haven’t got someone you feel close enough to, then call Lifeline on 13 11 14 – they are qualified to hear this information.
7. Access your senses. Smell perfumes. Cuddle a soft toy. Eat something nice. Be mindful with whatever you are doing. Do it slowly and enjoy it completely.
8. Do some self-soothing activities. Paint your nails, get a massage, go and see a movie… whatever you feel like doing, go out and do it. The trick is to get out of the house and away from any self-harming temptation or triggers.
9. Try to find a support group that will specifically offer you the help you need, and the help people in your situation need. For example, if you’re suffering at the hands of bullying, try to find a support group for that.
10. Get back to nature. Go camping. Walk outside and look at the sky. If it’s night, look at the stars and try to find as many sequences as possible. If it’s during the day and it’s nice and sunny, sunbake for a while. If it’s raining, watch the rain fall.
11. Put your gloves on and punch a punching bag. This beats hurting yourself and it’s better than hitting someone else. No one honestly feels good after punching someone, and it’s best to avoid making yourself feel any worse than you already do in your situation.
12. Find some self-harm alternatives. Squeeze ice. Snap a rubber band on your wrist. Have a really hot shower. Do similar activities that hurt but will not permanently mark you. It doesn’t release instant frustration but it’s better than suffering from the consequences of self-injury.
13. If you’re a repeat offender, write what you really hated about self-harming the last time you did it. Was it the reaction people gave you? Was it the itchy feeling when it was healing? Was it hiding under long shirts and jumpers in summer heat?
14. Change your bedroom or house around until it looks different. There’s no reason you need to live in the same circumstances day in and day out. Move things around until you feel better about things or until things look different to what they have.
15. Find a new hobby – read a book, surf the net, write a blog, knit or sew something, paint, cry, draw, sleep, meditate, play a computer game … whatever it is, just try it for an hour and see how you go.
16. Try something new. We all feel good when we try something new. It’s a whole new experience. Why don’t you take yourself out and just try something you’ve never done before? What’s stopping you.
17. Do something you’re good at. We all have something that we know we’re really good at. It might be a particular dish that you know you cook well, or it could be creating something … whatever it is, go and do that one thing you know you do well and then spend some time reflecting on it.
18. Write a list of supportive friends and family that you can contact in a time of crisis and start going down the list. Contact anyone and everyone until you are feeling better about things.
19. Change your hair. Cut it. Colour it. Have an entire makeover. Whatever you choose – just changing the way you look can make you feel better about yourself.
20. Pay for a photoshoot. There are some REALLY good photographers out there that can show you your beauty without too much effort from either you or them. Why not get dressed up, make yourself look amazing and have your photo taken? You may not feel like it but when you see the results, you may just be glad you did!
21. Relax. Watch a candle burn, listen to soothing or tranquil music and just take some deep breaths to try to relax. Life really isn’t that bad.
22. Watch a movie that has nothing to do with your current situation. Want something funny? Try watching The Heat with Sandra Bullock. There’s no real love scenes and I promise it will have you laughing by the end!
23. Go for a walk. If you’re in Sydney try a nice walk through the Botanical Gardens or Centennial Park. Take yourself somewhere public where you can still be alone. Alternatively, get lost in a bookshop.
24. Buy yourself a dog. If you don’t like dogs (which you should), get another kind of pet. It holds you accountable at a time when you may not feel as though you can be.
25. Write someone a hand written letter and send it. The trick is to avoid talking about your current situation and feelings but to still write from the heart. It’s easier if you haven’t seen the person in a long time and you’re looking to break the ice and become friends again.
26. Revisit some of your favourite childhood activities: play with a pet, make a bead necklace, bake cookies, rip paper into itty-bitty bits, hug a pillow or soft toy, fly a kite, play jacks or pick-up-sticks, finger paint a picture, play with a slinky, dance, play on the swings at a park, pop bubble wrap, play with play-dough, build a cubby house etc.
27. Consider changing jobs. Generally if self-harm is on your mind, there may be a couple of areas in your life that are not working – whether it’s social and work, or work and relationship or relationship and social etc. Go online and look at groups you could join or job hunt for your dream job.
28. Flick through a magazine or photo album and consider what looks great about someone else’s life that you don’t have. Start making a list of ideas for how you could have that quality or outcome in your life.
29. Throw socks at the wall. I haven’t done this before but it sounds kind of fun! It’s also repeated on several suggestions lists for alternatives to self-harm so this one may be highly recommended.
30. Throw darts at a dartboard. Try to get the bullseye. Now try to get it three times in a row. If nothing else, you’ll become a very skilled dart player in the end!
31. Write an email or Facebook message to someone to make peace with them. I call it my “My name is Earl” moments – it’s actually pretty fun and it’s nice to be forgiven, especially when you’re having trouble forgiving yourself for something. In fact, sometimes I find it easier to forgive myself when the other person openly forgives me first.
32. Colour coordinate your wardrobe. This is a really handy activity, because you can then go to your wardrobe, see exactly what you want and take it from its place. When everything is mixed up, it takes a lot longer to select your clothing.
33. While you’re in your wardrobe – why not pick out all the old clothes you don’t wear so much anymore and put them in a clothing bin for the less fortunate? It’s also easier to find your clothes when they’re not mixed in with the clothes you rarely wear. Did you know women only tend to wear 20-30% of their wardrobe? And generally keep three different sizes of clothing. It’s time to chuck it, ladies!
34. Go to a gig or bigger concert, or join a boat party. Generally everyone is really nice and easy to mingle with and it could very well change your perspective. You can look both up on the internet at any time – book your ticket and have fun!
35. I like this one: Trace your hand on a piece of paper. Write something you like to look at on your thumb, write something you like to touch on your index finger, write your favourite scent on your middle finger, write something you like the taste of on your ring finger, write something you like to listen to on your pinky finger, and on your palm, write something nice about yourself.
36. Pick a random object, such as a paper clip and try to list 30 different uses for it. This is a great lesson in mindfulness and seeing the good in even the smallest of things.
37. While you have some time on your hands, which you’re not going to use to self-harm, write a mental health plan for yourself. It should include various things to do (consider your favourite things to do – like walking on the coastline of places etc), people to call, triggers to avoid etc.
38. Be mindful of the HALT signals your body could be giving you in order to make you feel like self-harming. Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Once you narrow it down, concentrate on finding a solution to this individual problem and/or emotion.
39. Get a fake tan, give yourself a facial, have your makeup done professionally, pamper yourself and then go on a shopping spree. You’ll probably spend a lot of money, so make sure you stick to some kind of budget, but it will make you feel better.
40. Find a supportive chat room and see if you can talk to someone different online about anything and everything. I even found trawling dating websites when I was single and feeling down could act as a nice ego boost.
41. If you think you know the major problem – and it could be love addiction, attachment or something that you’re going through, you could try hypnosis as a way of dealing with it and having your mind distracted from the problem.
42. Make a playlist of soothing music and listen to it.
43. Accept where you are in whatever process you’re going through. Accept everything that has happened and everything that may be ahead, and get set for whatever changes you need to take to be the best and happiest person you possibly can be.
44. Make a pact with someone who you truly love that you will not self-harm or even consider it openly because you don’t wish to bring all the ugliness that comes with it into your relationship.
45. Realise you’re actually hurting enough at the moment without hurting yourself more. And self-harm not only hurts you physically but it will deeply scar you emotionally. It’s a habit that can take quite some time to recover from – I’m talking several years – so if you don’t self-harm generally, do not start!
46. Empower yourself with your right to choice and choose not to harm yourself. When you make it through the recovery process and stop self-harming you are able to recognise the power of choice a lot more clearly.
47. Focus on your own beauty as much as you can. You may feel hideous at the moment – but focus on all the things you like about yourself and all the things you do well. I also find it helpful to watch Victorias Secret shows and model interviews or interviews with someone you admire. Picture that person in your situation or sitting with you now and what they would say to you.
48. Make a list of things you need to do in order to live safely for a while and make that happen. Treat it like an addiction and get rid of all temptation from the house for a while. Soon enough you’ll get frustrated with not having things which they were originally intended for. Before you introduce it back into the home you need to make a promise to yourself that you will not use it for anything other than it’s original intended purpose. For example, respecting a knife as something to cut food with. If you can’t do it, don’t let it back into the house.
49. Instead of blaming yourself or anyone else and saying “should have”, change it to “could have” and consider “what if”. It’s never too late to change the course of your life.
50. Remove yourself from your old life as much as possible. Choose to take a different direction and be happy rather than wallowing in pain. Change your number. Move house. Change jobs. Whatever change you make, make it a positive one.
51. Now is a great time to start a gratitude journal if you haven’t already. Decorate the first page with magazine clippings of various things that make you happy. And from then on write down everything you’re grateful for and why you appreciate it so much.
52. Watch a funny TV show. I really enjoy watching The Big Bang Theory. It totally takes my mind off things and generally it makes me laugh.
53. Plan to perform one act of kindness each day and add this into your gratitude journal. It could be for someone you know or a complete stranger. Each time you perform an act of kindness for someone, record the person’s reaction to it. Volunteer work may also help.
54. Write down the reasons you love yourself and your life and read it back to yourself whenever you’re feeling down.
55. Complete something you have been putting off or start something completely different that you have never done before. Challenge yourself.
Still not feeling any better? Book an appointment with a good psychologist or try one of these random activities:
– Google beautiful pictures
– Learn a new joke
– Go outside and take photos of things you think are beautiful
– Look for a four-leaf clover
– Make a wish on a dandelion
– Find a pond where you can feed the ducks
– Take yourself on a road trip
– Go people watching for a morning in a café, at the beach, where ever you want to be
– Watch the sunrise and sunset on the same day.