The underworld of toxic shame and how to release it
Like moss, shames grows in the dark. Vanquish it by bringing it into the light, Ross Rosenberg
Have you ever been in a relationship where you were forced to feel overwhelming guilt just for being you? Your partner made you feel as though you were flawed in such a way there was nothing you could ever do to fix yourself? Did you believe you were fortunate to be with this person although they treated you terribly? Have you finally broken free of the relationship but you’re not sure if you will find someone who ever understands you?
You’re not alone in your experience. This is the underworld of toxic shame – what toxic and abusive people use against their targets to isolate them, degrade their self esteem and cause them to undermine their self worth.
Many people have come to me to describe their experience with toxic shame and their struggles to release it and move forward. If your partner has subjected you to toxic shame, is causing you to doubt yourself until your self worth has evaporated, and you’re feeling isolated and confused about who you are and what you should do next, this blog is for you. This week, Happiness Weekly looks at how you can release toxic shame and move on with a happier and more fulfilling life than what you currently have.
What is toxic shame?
According to John Bradshaw toxic shame is: “The feeling of being flawed and diminished and never measuring up. Toxic shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you’ve done something wrong, but you can repair that – you can do something about it. With toxic shame, there’s something wrong with you and there’s nothing you can do about it, you are inadequate and defective”.
Still unsure? People who experience toxic shame demonstrate the following behaviours:
– Co-dependent
– Irrational paralysing feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, self loathing
– Stopped identifying with themselves or lacking a sense of self
– Other people bring them more peace than they feel they could ever bring to themselves
– When they’re hurting they are very quick to disengage, disconnect or detach
– They are comfortable being abused and often don’t recognise it – friends may see it first
– They feel completely unlovable and less-than human
Toxic shame is what holds us in toxic and abusive relationships and prevents us from leaving and people who are targeting you will depend on it to hold you there.
Experts say toxic shame is linked to childhood traumas, and while I agree this could trigger toxic shame in adult life – I don’t think it’s essential to have a traumatic shaming childhood experience in order to suffer from toxic shame as an adult.
People who experience toxic shame will demonstrate the following behaviours:
– Lack of intimacy in relationships
– Poor communicator
– Engage in relationships with: non-productive circular fights, manipulation, games
– Vying for control
– Withdrawing
– Blaming
– Fear of anger – your own or someone else’s
– Ongoing short-term relationships (caused by a subconscious fear of people getting to close) and this can be demonstrated in romantic relationships or jumping from job to job
– Low self worth and confidence
– Prone to knee-jerk reactions to benign comments, inquiries or situations to attempt to maintain some control (Note: Coming out of an abusive relationship – this behaviour not an unusual experience and can be part of self-preservation following your experience)
Charlotte Dawson – you will be missed
Sometimes, especially if people are wanting you to kill yourself, and you’re somebody who has previously tried to end your life, it’s very, very easy to feel like that’s exactly what you want to do. Charlotte Dawson – Sixty Minutes 2012.
In all the footage you find of her, Charlotte Dawson appears very brave and courageous – something that adds to the shock of today’s news.
Time and time again Charlotte Dawson appeared as strong as her message. Her intentions in campaigning against bullying, among other things, were so good. She was a role model! She may not have done everything right, but the way she kept getting back up, her strength, her courage … she was a positive figure to aspire to.
But today Charlotte lost her battle with depression. Is it another bullycide? The public may never know.
I didn’t know her personally, but we had something in common: campaigning against bullying and that is why I want to dedicate this post to her.
Charlotte Dawson was a model and television presenter who in recent times had a very public battle with Twitter trolls, some of whom she exposed. You just need to watch this to see for yourself that they were absolutely no match for her – she lived a lavish lifestyle in Woolloomooloo which, despite her struggles, she managed to maintain. Along with the brave front she held together, that’s a massive credit to her!
In this interview she appears so strong about her circumstances, you’d never pick her for having such a horrific battle with depression behind the scenes. And this is exactly why we need to be so careful with what we say to other people. Everyone has their own battles and demons they’re fighting. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago I blogged about being Being conscious of our words and how they affect others and this scenario is exactly why. Bullying is not ok and perhaps Charlotte’s Twitter trolls need to take a long hard look in the mirror before they post again!
Depression affects 1 in 4 four people and by 2020 it will be the world’s second largest killer.
Charlotte leaves us with her messages of hope and strength for those who suffer from depression and a book called Air Kiss and Tell – a very raw biography about her life. Check out this YouTube clip for more: The truth about Charlotte Dawson.
Charlotte Dawson – you may not have felt like much in your final moments – but you will be missed.
In 2012 I wrote a blog about Being proactive against bullying, with solutions – one being to start an online support network where those suffering at the hands of cyber bullies can get instant assistance from someone qualified. Or even unqualified! The idea of having Lifeline online.
“If you’re going to express those points of view, you should do it with a face and a name so you can be accountable,” Charlotte Dawson was quoted saying in an interview with in September 2012 following her Twitter attack that landed her in hospital following an attempted suicide.
Domestic Violence organisation, 1800 RESPECT, has recently introduced a similar functionality on their website where people can go online for direct assistance. We need that for anti-bullying and if anyone has the skills to put it together, I would be more than happy to team up, share ideas and start building it to make it happen.
In the meantime, if you are in crisis or are struggling with depression, please contact Lifeline for assistance: 13 11 14.
Related articles:
Charlotte Dawson found dead
TV celebrity Charlotte Dawson found dead at her Sydney home
Charlotte Dawson found dead in Woolloomooloo home
Moving on! How to move on quickly or help someone move on from something traumatic
Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. Charles Swindoll.
Everyone gets stuck from time to time, but remember – it’s not what happens to us but how we recover that matters the most. Following a traumatic event if you could leap past the awful, paralysing emotions and land safely back into positive, happier times – you would do it in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you?
Unfortunately it’s impossible to predict how long it will take someone to overcome grief – your feelings will come and go and you’ll endure frustrations that will make it feel like it’s two steps forward, followed by three steps back. Time is the best healer.
While we can’t speed up time for you, there are things you can do to help you move on from a traumatic event. This week Happiness Weekly looks at how you can move on as quickly as possible.
Recognise what you’re feeling
It’s really important to recognise what you are feeling rather than judging why you are feeling the way you are. Try not to look at what’s happened, tell yourself it has happened – there is nothing that can be done to change it – and take notice of your feelings when you start thinking of the exciting things the future may have in store for you. It may take time to feel excited about anything again, but eventually that spark will return.
Sit with the pain for two minutes
If you can sit with the pain for two minute increments and then try to distract yourself, whether it’s reading or writing or going for a walk, you will soon find the painful moments will be further and further apart. In fact, you may even be able to experience moments of happiness and peace again. Concentrate on the good moments, but also let yourself have time to grieve as well.
Keep as positive as you can
If the voice inside your head says “I’m never going to love again –” add something to make it more positive “in that way”. Positive thinking will prevent you from dwelling for too long. When you eliminate the negative voice, which can appear so conclusive and certain, you will also take away some of your worries. Keep reminding yourself that there will be a tomorrow – and it may even be better than today!
Make acceptance a priority
It’s important to work on accepting what has happened as soon as possible. Don’t sit with denial for too long. Take charge! Decide to accept what’s happened, regardless of how you feel about it. Take a proactive philosophy to the situation – instead of waiting for your feelings to change in order to take action – take action and trust that your feelings will change as a consequence to your efforts. Remember, every action has a reaction. Feeling outraged by life’s injustices won’t change anything beyond your control – try to remind yourself if it what it is and keep stepping forward.
Grow from the experience
Pretend that everyone is enlightened except for you. Look for every lesson that comes your way. Be open to learning. Practise some patience. This mindset can help improve the way you interpret and respond to even the most painful events in your life. Be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. As you look back on the relationship you will have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behaviour, including the reasons why the situation happened to you, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong to enable you to make better decisions next time around!
Get set for something better
Avoid turning minor upsets into bigger issues in your mind and look at the bright side. It’s just another challenge – focus on how you’re going to resolve it for the most positive outcome! The faster you step forward, the sooner the pain will stop. Also consider the worst case scenario in your situation – is it really the end of the world? More importantly, is it possible – and probable – that the situation could get a lot better? A higher paying job? A more satisfying relationship? Spend some time considering what could go right.
Work with what you have
It’s easy to get comfortable with the way things are and then feel completely disconnected from who you want to be or what you want to do in life when things go wrong, but this hurdle doesn’t need to annihilate your plans! Use your time to find a new way to achieve your goals and start putting effort into getting there again – it’s the fastest way to turn a bad thing good!
Consider what others would do
Think about how someone with integrity handle the situation. If you have an idol, what would they do in your situation? Identify what you have learned from the situation, pick yourself up with grace and maintain your dignity. Move on to the next goal with your head held high. Acting to someone else’s expectations will eliminate the opportunity for disappointment in yourself if you were to lose control over the situation.
Put it on the backburner for a while
Concentrate on something else rather than worrying about your current situation. Exercise to boost your endorphins – you could go for a walk, practise yoga or do something more fun like rollerblading. Start a new diet. Practice being in the present – do one task at a time, mindfully. Remember: if you don’t mind – it don’t matter.
Start creating new memories as soon as you can
Take new photos to look back on. Enjoy some new experiences. Do things you’ve put off for a long time. Get out and enjoy nature. Speak your truth where you can – it’ll help you to feel authentic, heard and improve your confidence. Avoid procrastinating, generally the anxiety about a task is worse than the task itself. Force change by beginning a new routine – it can be small such as adjusting your sleeping pattern or starting to eat breakfast.
Other quick tips for moving on:
– Allow yourself to cry
– Take time out for yourself
– Smile at old memories if you want to
– Write a letter to say goodbye
– Avoid bottling things up
– Keep a diary of your feelings and memories as you grieve
-Talk to someone about how you’re feeling
– Keep healthy
– Recognise it’s ok to have different feelings
– Give yourself permission to feel and function at a less than optimal level for a period of time
– Get help from a counsellor or psychologist if you need it (recognise when you need it!)
– Remember that moving on is the end goal
– Remind yourself that you still have a future
– Spend time with supportive people who energise you
– Make new friends, don’t just hold onto old or mutual friends
– Reach out to others that have been through your situation, they can be particularly helpful!
The trick is to treat yourself like you’re getting over a bad flu for the first couple of weeks. Get plenty of rest, minimise other sources of stress in your life and reduce your workload if you can.
Always remember – whether you have been through a traumatic event or not: you can’t always get what you want – but you can work at being who you want to be no matter what life throws your way!
All about toxic relationships and how to let go
Don’t be upset if people prefer another to you, it’s difficult to convince a monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas. Anonymous
Are you in a relationship that is making you feel bad about yourself? Are you doubting yourself or finding you’re having paranoid thoughts about your actions and their impact? Do you find yourself acting out in ways that you never have before? Are you constantly distressed and not sure if you’re relationship is coming or going? Are you isolated from your loved ones or has your self-esteem plummeted due to continuing this relationship? I bet you can’t recognise yourself anymore too… DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT!
We have all encountered toxic people in our life, but for those of us unlucky enough to experience a toxic relationship, you will understand how these feelings and symptoms mentioned above crept subtly into your relationship and started affecting it, and how painful it is to let the person go – particularly because you will generally love them and care for them that little bit extra because they have needed you and dragged you down at the same time. Sometimes we need to love someone from a distance and unfortunately this means the process of detoxing yourself from them. If your partner is putting you down, crushing your spirit or you have found out that they are cheating on you, this blog is for you. This week, Relationship Free looks at how you can release yourself from a toxic relationship and get on with a happier life – even if it means being alone.
How to be inspired
If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us. Daisaku Ikeda
People often ask me how I get inspired to write my blog posts – how do I always have a topic to address? Where do I find my inspiration? How do I know what people want to read? The truth is, my instincts tell me.
I have a basic plan that I follow throughout the year which prevents me from getting “writers block”, and I sometimes blog a couple of weeks ahead to ensure I fulfil my commitment of a blog a week – after all, it is Happiness Weekly! But my inspiration comes from living my daily life. If something comes up professionally or personally that I have learnt from, particularly any big lessons, then I will share that instead of going ahead with the planned blog. I keep my ear out and my heart on my sleeve – generally if I’m passionate about it and it’s something I am feeling at the time, it comes through my writing.
But it’s not just writing. Often when we’re depressed or feeling out of sorts, we can spend long periods of time at home, lounging around or in bed. This week Happiness Weekly looks at how you can be inspired to get up and go every day!
1. Have something to look forward to
Often when things become routine they can also become a bit boring or demotivating and we start to drop off as our passion for something we may have once enjoyed, also dims. Whether it’s a job, going to the gym, or even catching up with our partner – our feelings for things are always changing. The way to resolve this problem effectively is to always have something to look forward to. If it’s work getting you down – set up a lunch with a colleague you enjoy spending time with or find a local walk you enjoy that you could only do by working in your location or find a boutique shop nearby that you enjoy going to and go during your lunch break; if it’s the gym, perhaps scheduling a reward after you go to the gym, or mix up your routine to keep it interesting … or just weigh yourself – it generally works for me! And if you’re having a lull with your partner, don’t threat – we all do! Why not plan a nice date night out – often people forget how great it feels to dress up really nicely and enjoy the company of our favourite person in the world. Spice things up. Go away for a weekend. Instead of rejecting your partner, as many of us do during those lulls, encourage them to come closer – the hug and kiss at the end of the night make everything worth it!
2. Remind yourself why it’s important to do what you’re doing
Sometimes, no matter how much I enjoy my job, I find myself dragging my feet to work. Maybe I feel I have too much on my plate and I’m burdened; maybe I disappointed a colleague the day before and I’m scared of repercussions… I have done two things to prevent this from happening. First of all, I have made a promise to myself to look forward to every day no matter what – because each day is a gift, not a right (thank you, Nickelback!) and secondly, I remind myself how lucky I am to have a job in the first place. I look at everything I have, the bills I’m paying, the clothes on my back … and no matter how hard everything feels, I realise how fortunate I am to have this role and I continue to promise myself to do the best I can in that role every day that I am there. If this positive thinking isn’t helping, go with your negativity – what would it be like without this role? Have you ever been unemployed? Speak to someone who doesn’t have a full time role at the moment who is seeking work and believe me, it will be a ten minute conversation before you’re appreciating what you have again! Nothing is more depressing than not having a purpose to get out of bed each morning.
3. Know what you want
As outlined above, sometimes in order to be inspired, you need to dig a little deep into what is really bothering you and find out what you really want from your situation. Spend a weekend once every few months to reassess what you really want out of life. What is your motivation, your ambition, your purpose for being on earth. Start planning how you will chase your dream – even if you only start with a course or trying something slightly new, the only thing holding you back from getting what you want is you.
4. Find out what others want
If you’re looking to be inspired, and you’re completely directionless with your life – you’re not alone! You can resolve this by simply finding out what other people want from their lives. Ask a few friends about their interests and passions. Once you have this information you can have a look through it and take the ideas that you like and disregard the ideas that don’t resonate with you as much. I always find that finding various ways that I may be able to inspire others also helps to inspire me.
5. Fill the voids
Have you ever got that feeling where you have so much … STUFF … in your life but you feel completely empty? Like nothing you have is anything you want or need? And then it’s hard to know what to do next … we can’t have a garage sale with our life! You need to stop filling your life up with things and start looking for the voids and finding what you can do to satisfy these areas in your life. Soul searching is required and it may be exhausting – if you need help, a good psychologist or life coach is recommended.
6. Write it down
I must drive you all crazy with the amount of things I say to write down. Maybe it’s because I enjoy writing lists (as some of you may have noticed?) – but by writing down the things that inspire you, you have a tangible list to refer back to. Then if you’re feeling lost or stuck for inspiration at a later date, you can refer back to it again.
7. Take photos/screenshots
When you find something that inspires or motivates you, take a screenshot or photo of it. If it makes you laugh, take a video on your phone – post it to your Facebook page – trust me, you will still find yourself laughing when you look back in time to come. If you appreciate something now, you may well appreciate it later. By taking a photo or screenshot of something that inspires us, it makes our feelings towards that thing more vivid – it takes us back to the time when the photo was taken and draws us into the picture, that’s what photography can be so powerful.
8. Talk to people and LISTEN
Talking to people can generally involve listening to their thoughts and feelings about certain things, but if you listen really hard, you can build on that for yourself. Similar to trying to find out what others want, you can draw your inspiration from everyday conversation – the same way you can drop something you’ve been working on and pick it up a week later with a fresh perspective to create it into something better. This is actually a powerful one – it is mainly through talking to people and really listening to what they have to say that I am mostly inspired for my Happiness Weekly blogs! Let’s hope people still talk to me once they read this…!
Other ways to be inspired include: getting back to nature – taking a walk or going camping, calling a friend, reading something, listening to music, smelling something, listening to an expert, reading, exercising, eating something, meditating, free-writing, doing something different or trying something new, reading a biography, interviewing someone you admire, watching something interesting or different on television, search for more ideas on the internet…
Why labels are destructive
Build a resume that doesn’t simply tell a story about what you want to be, but who you want to be. Oprah.
It’s as simple as this: labels and stereotypes can prevent us from being who we want to be.
Let’s face it, sometimes it feels good to call our ex-partner a narcissist after they hurt us or suggest “perhaps you have this condition, or that condition, or this addiction or that addiction” when a friend comes to us for help – but ultimately, labels are meaningless as everyone’s experiences and feelings are so different.
Several top psychologists and psychiatrists have said there is nothing positive about “labels”; they are unhelpful and there is no mental health test to scientifically and/or medically prove someone’s conditions.
“Generally speaking that person learns to believe that they have whatever that disorder or disease is labelled which in turn gives them a very good reason to not have to be responsible for themselves. They are the victim,” said Suzanne Kellner-Zinck.
This week Happiness Weekly discusses why labelling isn’t helpful and how you can avoid labelling others, focus on yourself and moving forward.
The history
Categorical labelling is a tool that humans use to resolve the impossible complexity of the environments we grapple to perceive. Researchers began studying the cognitive effects of labelling in the 1930s and over time it’s been discovered that there generally isn’t one single label for one thing – everyone has different ideas of what a label should be – and through labelling, we form a lens for people to see ourselves or others through and they may become incapable of perceiving the subject independently of that label.
Why labelling is destructive
“In the majority of cases the person who has made the decision to shed the label is able to create healthier ways of being in the world and in so doing no longer fits the label given. In fact what I have found from my work is that if people are given the chance to be accepted for who they are and have the opportunity to shed the label by doing and thinking in a manner that would no longer support the label, amazingly enough they are healed and able to move on in their lives in a much more productive manner,” said Suzanne Kellner-Zinck.
Last week I attended a meeting for Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA) out of years of curiosity about addiction meetings (similar to Alcoholics Anonymous) – perhaps it was a Fight Club moment. But as I sat there and listened, each person who presented said “Hi, my name is … and I’m co-dependent”. And it happened every time they spoke about themselves. I listened respectfully, but I couldn’t help but think that people aren’t their condition and by saying it aloud like that, that it could hinder taking responsibility. People could actually think “It’s ok if I act like this or do this, because I’m this!”
Labelling can often cause discrimination. When using labels we may innocently be taking short cuts in language to describe something quickly – however, it’s important to be mindful that we may also be creating stigma to a person and it could be received as being offensive.
For example, if you talk about a person with a condition, such as a “person with diabetes”, it comes across that they won’t be rejected by society, have trouble finding a job or be stigmatised at school. But if we call them “a diabetic” – it makes it sound as though they are their condition and everyone with diabetes is the same, with the same emotions, experiences and problems. Of course this is incorrect: they are humans like the rest of us, and that is why we should say “a person with diabetes”. From this example we can see how labels can lead to a person becoming an object rather than the person behind the label.
How to avoid labelling someone
Labels are just shells that contain assumptions and stigmas towards a person. Next time you are tempted to label someone based on something they have done or in describing them, think carefully before you say they are a condition, rather than having a condition that may impair them. It’s important to know the distinction and always respect each other.
- Be honest with yourself, don’t discriminate or hold judgemental ideals. Know the areas that you’re particularly prone to stereotyping people (for example, people who have hurt us are not necessarily “narcissistic”)
- Consider when people have made assumptions about you that were untrue, and how you felt. Labelling doesn’t substitute the facts
- Think of a time when you incorrectly labelled someone – was it an assumption? How did you feel when you got to know the individual to realise you were incorrect?
- What causes you to label someone? Before you stereotype someone again, consider all the facts to ensure you’re making an accurate assumption and don’t appear foolish
- Instead of stereotyping, adopt logic, critical thinking and actual facts before speaking. Allow people to prove themselves
- Aim for diversity and exposure – surround yourself with your stereotyped group and see how you feel. Labelling often springs from unfamiliarity with a group and the desire to see an individual as representative of their group rather than as an individual
- Be accountable – act as though the labelled group or person can hear you when you speak about them.
- Develop empathy – consider how the other person would feel if they heard you, listen to complaints from minority groups
- Accept that everyone is different and diversity is the spice of life! It would be boring if we were all the same
- Catch yourself in the act – tell your friends and family that you’re trying to make the change to stop labelling and stereotyping and ask them to catch you in the act. Make sure you hear them when they pull you up, and always try to pull yourself up first
- Correct others when they label someone – it will make you more conscious of the changes you need to make as well. Avoid racist or sexist jokes and stories, disengage in anything that will hinder your progress
- Educate yourself – research as much as you can about the label you tend to use. Generally we tend to use labels when we’re not educated in a specific area
- Avoid getting personal – even if they do. Don’t hold a grudge – learn to forgive quickly. Instead of taking things personally, be open to new situations and opinions and see them objectively
- Don’t compare yourself to others – it encourages you to judge which is what leads us to labelling people
- Never assume others are judging or labelling you – this is a very bad habit. Always tell yourself that it’s not all about you, this will help you step out of situations rather than complicating things and creating negative assumptions
- Actively stop yourself from making quick assumptions. Being quick to judge others hampers your change to build good relationships with this person or group in the future.
What has been your experience with being labelled or stereotyped?
How to control your thoughts and be more positive
The mind is everything. What you think you become. Buddha
At a time when things appear to be going wrong, or we’re particularly stressed, we tend to take things more negatively than usual. It’s easy to be irrational and blame our circumstances, but it doesn’t make us feel any better. This week Happiness Weekly looks at how you can control your thoughts in a positive way.
1. Accept it – everyone has bad thoughts every now and then
Acknowledge that everyone has bad thoughts. Everyone has been kept awake from negative thinking, or kept in a state of fear because they can’t switch off. You are not alone! Speak to someone, generally you will find someone who can relate to the way you’re feeling.
2. Thank your thought for coming and send it on its way
Psychologists say (and I have heard this in an introductory session to Landmark Forum, though I never pursued it) – if you have a negative thought, you should listen to what it has to say, thank it for saying its piece (it’s there to protect you and keep you safe) and then send it on its way. It’s like an annoying child: if you listen to it, acknowledge it, and then send it on its way, the child is more likely to leave you alone quickly. Whereas if you ignore it, it will keep annoying you until you have taken action. Our thoughts are similar.
3. Swap the negative thought for a positive one
When you have a negative thought challenge yourself to come up with a positive thought about the exact same thing. For example, someone rudely crosses your path and knocks you without acknowledging you and you think “That person doesn’t like me” – you could think “Wow, they were in a hurry! I hope they get to where ever they are going quickly!” It sounds a bit like something AA Milne would write, but if you continue to think positively about things, other positive thoughts will follow. This isn’t as easy as it sounds – practise makes perfect with this one!
4. Distract yourself until you can talk to someone
When your thoughts get overpowering, you sometimes need an immediate distraction. Go on a brisk walk, keep a list of contacts of your most supportive friends and call through until you find someone that will meet up with you or spend some time doing something you enjoy. Sometimes we need to ignore our negative thoughts while they are hurting us and come back to them later. Generally this is where you need to distract yourself until you have someone you can share your thoughts with that will act as a sounding board and offer you calm, rational advice.
5. Consider the worst scenario
What would happen if your negative thought came true? It’s generally not as scary as it may have felt before you thought it through. Try to be rational as you consider your options. For example, if you stumble when public speaking – a dinosaur is not going to eat you. Someone may laugh, you may lose your place momentarily, but ultimately you will be able to carry on with your presentation or speech. Once you have considered the worst case scenario, accept it for what it is and prepare for it as best you can.
6. Write it out
Negative thoughts generally generate more negative thoughts, then another one, then another one and it’s like a racing track in your mind. It’s easy to panic and let it overwhelm us, but there are things you can do to slow down and start thinking rationally again. Write a letter to yourself as though you’re your best friend and telling yourself about this negative thought you have just had may also help. Generally writing is like meditating; it slows us down and helps us to connect with our rational thoughts. If you feel strange writing a letter to yourself, write it to your best friend – but read it as though your best friend wrote it to you. You could even reply with suggested solutions!
7. Before listening, consider what you want
Before taking a negative thought on board, consider exactly what you want. Start thinking about what you need to do to get what you want. Is this negative thought blocking you? Then you can send it on its way. The trick is to focus more on what you do want than what you don’t want, take control and encourage yourself to maintain a positive thought process.
8. Concentrate on positive affirmations
Tell yourself you can do it, you are positive, you will be great – you are your best cheerleader. Have confidence in yourself, no one can do it for you. Be mindful of all the good things you already have in your life. Follow your positive thoughts with positive actions. Choose to hang around positive, supportive people. Read success stories and things that inspire and motivate you.
I hope you have found these tips helpful. Your turn – how do you control your thoughts in a positive way?
The three points of happiness
The most important thing is to enjoy your life—to be happy—it’s all that matters. Audrey Hepburn
My mother once told me, not too long ago, that there are three points of happiness and wellbeing. These points actually come together to form a triangle with the main points being career/work, relationships/love and health/lifestyle.
The absolute ideal which leads to sublime happiness is to have all three points in your life, going smoothly. This means you’re happy with your job (anything where you’re working for money to support your lifestyle), your relationships are going well (this includes relationships with family, friends, a partner, a housemate etc) and you are in good health (if you’re able to get out of bed and go down the street, you’re in good health). So, ultimately the triangle I am referring to will look something like this diagram:
Having two points of happiness working out well, is normal. Generally there will be one point of happiness not quite going as smoothly as it could, and this is the area we need to work on. Two points of happiness means we’re content. We’re not sublimely happy but we’re not miserable either because we have enough in our lives to distract us from that one point that’s missing. Plus, it is easier to fix one missing point of happiness than it is to fix two or three of them!
If you only have one point of happiness working out, something needs to change quite quickly. It’s possible that we could be in bad health and a partner leaves us at the same time and adds a smear campaign that takes some of our friends with them. Or the partner leaves and we get fired from our job. Or we get sick and that interferes with completing our work to a usual standard, so we get let go or stop getting paid. There are many scenarios of how you could end up with only one point of happiness, the trick is to really pursue the other two points. Put your full focus into what’s not working and how you can change it to make it work and start taking steps towards it.
If you have no points of happiness, you’ve probably stopped trying. Things are really down and out for you at the moment. I would recommend seeing a psychologist at this point and get tips and strategies for how you can move things in a more positive direction to assist in getting you back on track. The good news is that it isn’t all that common to lose all three points.
What you need to remember is that if you have two points of happiness, then you can look at the other point and try to work out a way to change the situation to align all three points. What isn’t working with this point? Why isn’t it working? How can I change that? What are the steps to changing it? And then put your plans into action and make it happen.
If you only have two points of happiness, and you can’t adjust the third one – perhaps it’s out of your control for now – then your wellbeing will still be positive. It’s bearable to live with for quite some time, it just depends how ambitious you are to achieving absolute happiness.
I always keep the three points of happiness in mind, throughout my daily life. My mother shared them with me and someone shared them with her. It gives me constant goals to strive towards and it keeps life interesting and challenging. There have been times, even recently, when I lost two points of happiness – and it’s been a difficult time – but as long as you’re motivated you can get back on track.
How’s your life tracking at the moment? Find this blog helpful – please don’t forget to share it with your friends!
How to recover from a break up quickly
Rest assured sorrowful hearts of the left behind, there is more ahead than what you’re experiencing at the moment. This week Happiness Weekly looks at how you can move forward from a break up smoothly and maintain your dignity. Nursing a broken heart hurts, but it will get better.
#1 Let yourself grieve
You’re going to cry, the spring in your step will disappear for a little while. Accept this and start making a list of all the things you’re looking forward to with your new found freedom. This list may include travelling overseas, moving away, starting a new hobby, changing your habits etc. Let yourself cry for the first 48 hours if you need to, but don’t let it drag on. Try to keep yourself busy and be patient.
#2 Turn your radio OFF
Ever noticed that every song on the radio seems to relate to you when you’re in a lot of pain, particularly caused by a break up or relationship difficulties? Any mushy songs just remind you of what you’re missing out on. It’s time to put a break up play list together and listen to it on repeat! Collect all your favourite break up songs to keep you strong – here’s a few (Top 40 style) to get you started:
Survivor – Destiny’s Child
What doesn’t kill you (Stronger) – Kelly Clarkson
Rehab – Rihanna
Sorry – Buckcherry
Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri
Trouble or Picture to Burn – Taylor Swift
Runaway Baby – Bruno Mars
Want the full list? Comment below with your favourite break up songs and request.
#3 Lean on a break up buddy
Everything is easier if you can share your pain or vent to someone that can fully empathise with you. Lean on your single friends – sadly, this cannot be the person you just broke off with. Start getting back out there as soon as you can. Make your break up buddy tag along. Of course this is all easier if your break up buddy is the same gender as you if you’re straight or opposite if you’re gay. Why? Because if you lean on someone you could get attracted to, trust me when I say the chances your feelings will get confused are high!
#4 Don’t hurt the person you’re separating from
There’s two quotes I keep in mind during a break up: “Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward,” Og Mandino and “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others and if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them,” Dalai Lama. So try to make the transition as easy as possible, whatever happens – no matter how angry you feel – be kind. Your kindness will make it easier on you in the long run. Respond to their texts if you want to, don’t go overboard – don’t beg for them back, at least remain a friend to them as much as you can. I also like to send an email thanking them for coming into my life and spending the time with me that they did, for the lessons they taught me and just letting them know that they are important to me. If you decide to break contact, explain that to the other person first – don’t just shut them out. It may be difficult to talk to them, but you’ll feel better than just ignoring them.
#5 Be kind to yourself
Lots of massages, facials, manicures, shopping, take yourself away, have long baths with wine … treat yourself as much as possible. Try to keep yourself busy and distracted with the things you love. Put the comfort food down! Work on yourself, spend some time at the gym, change your diet to be healthier. Keep yourself motivated, and keep looking forward. Don’t look back. Monitor yourself, and if you’re really not handling it – seek professional help. There’s no shame in seeing a counsellor or psychologist.
#6 Avoid social media channels
It’s time to give Facebook a rest for a few days. You’ll say things you regret, you may not be thinking rationally, your friends may be posting information that will make you feel upset. Maybe their lives are jetting forward while you feel as though you’re standing still or taking a step back. Save yourself from the agony.
#7 Don’t watch chick flicks
I will never understand this… why is it when girls break up with guys, they turn to chick flicks? They’re always happy endings! Doesn’t it just remind you of what you just lost or what you don’t have? You need to turn that crap off and get outside into some fresh air. Go for a walk. Sleep if you want to stay in. Watch a funny series show … but nothing with love … avoid the lovey dovey stuff while you try to get yourself back on track.
#8 Don’t do anything you’ll regret
Think of someone you want to make proud. When ever you act, pretend that they are watching you. Whatever happens, don’t do anything you’ll regret or that would disappoint this person. This exercise will certainly assist you with maintaining your dignity as you try to move on. Don’t say anything hurtful, don’t try to move on too quickly, just make your way through the motions as best you can.
#9 Don’t think why – just keep looking ahead
Don’t ask yourself why, you could drive yourself crazy as you continue going in circles. Sometimes things just happen for a reason but there’s no explanation at first. Accept it. Keep looking forward to what’s ahead and before you know it, you’ll arrive at a new destination and the sting from this break up will be a distant memory. Keep yourself as busy as possible for the first few weeks, try to get some sleep (I know this is hard when your heart is breaking, but try) and continue to do nice things for yourself. Nurture yourself, because only you will feel your pain and fully understand how that feels. Only you can soothe yourself.
#10 Read more break up quotes and do whatever it takes
Take one day at a time and do whatever it takes to move forward. Laugh as much as you can and enjoy the moments when you do. You may feel that you leave the relationship in steps – one minute you’ll like the idea of the separation, the next you’ll be in despair – go with the emotions and sit with them. As yucky as it feels at the moment, it won’t last. And read more break up quotes, it’ll make you feel less alone:
What are your favourite tips for handling a break up?
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