The underworld of toxic shame and how to release it
Like moss, shames grows in the dark. Vanquish it by bringing it into the light, Ross Rosenberg
Have you ever been in a relationship where you were forced to feel overwhelming guilt just for being you? Your partner made you feel as though you were flawed in such a way there was nothing you could ever do to fix yourself? Did you believe you were fortunate to be with this person although they treated you terribly? Have you finally broken free of the relationship but you’re not sure if you will find someone who ever understands you?
You’re not alone in your experience. This is the underworld of toxic shame – what toxic and abusive people use against their targets to isolate them, degrade their self esteem and cause them to undermine their self worth.
Many people have come to me to describe their experience with toxic shame and their struggles to release it and move forward. If your partner has subjected you to toxic shame, is causing you to doubt yourself until your self worth has evaporated, and you’re feeling isolated and confused about who you are and what you should do next, this blog is for you. This week, Happiness Weekly looks at how you can release toxic shame and move on with a happier and more fulfilling life than what you currently have.
What is toxic shame?
According to John Bradshaw toxic shame is: “The feeling of being flawed and diminished and never measuring up. Toxic shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you’ve done something wrong, but you can repair that – you can do something about it. With toxic shame, there’s something wrong with you and there’s nothing you can do about it, you are inadequate and defective”.
Still unsure? People who experience toxic shame demonstrate the following behaviours:
– Co-dependent
– Irrational paralysing feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, self loathing
– Stopped identifying with themselves or lacking a sense of self
– Other people bring them more peace than they feel they could ever bring to themselves
– When they’re hurting they are very quick to disengage, disconnect or detach
– They are comfortable being abused and often don’t recognise it – friends may see it first
– They feel completely unlovable and less-than human
Toxic shame is what holds us in toxic and abusive relationships and prevents us from leaving and people who are targeting you will depend on it to hold you there.
Experts say toxic shame is linked to childhood traumas, and while I agree this could trigger toxic shame in adult life – I don’t think it’s essential to have a traumatic shaming childhood experience in order to suffer from toxic shame as an adult.
People who experience toxic shame will demonstrate the following behaviours:
– Lack of intimacy in relationships
– Poor communicator
– Engage in relationships with: non-productive circular fights, manipulation, games
– Vying for control
– Withdrawing
– Blaming
– Fear of anger – your own or someone else’s
– Ongoing short-term relationships (caused by a subconscious fear of people getting to close) and this can be demonstrated in romantic relationships or jumping from job to job
– Low self worth and confidence
– Prone to knee-jerk reactions to benign comments, inquiries or situations to attempt to maintain some control (Note: Coming out of an abusive relationship – this behaviour not an unusual experience and can be part of self-preservation following your experience)
Charlotte Dawson – you will be missed
Sometimes, especially if people are wanting you to kill yourself, and you’re somebody who has previously tried to end your life, it’s very, very easy to feel like that’s exactly what you want to do. Charlotte Dawson – Sixty Minutes 2012.
In all the footage you find of her, Charlotte Dawson appears very brave and courageous – something that adds to the shock of today’s news.
Time and time again Charlotte Dawson appeared as strong as her message. Her intentions in campaigning against bullying, among other things, were so good. She was a role model! She may not have done everything right, but the way she kept getting back up, her strength, her courage … she was a positive figure to aspire to.
But today Charlotte lost her battle with depression. Is it another bullycide? The public may never know.
I didn’t know her personally, but we had something in common: campaigning against bullying and that is why I want to dedicate this post to her.
Charlotte Dawson was a model and television presenter who in recent times had a very public battle with Twitter trolls, some of whom she exposed. You just need to watch this to see for yourself that they were absolutely no match for her – she lived a lavish lifestyle in Woolloomooloo which, despite her struggles, she managed to maintain. Along with the brave front she held together, that’s a massive credit to her!
In this interview she appears so strong about her circumstances, you’d never pick her for having such a horrific battle with depression behind the scenes. And this is exactly why we need to be so careful with what we say to other people. Everyone has their own battles and demons they’re fighting. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago I blogged about being Being conscious of our words and how they affect others and this scenario is exactly why. Bullying is not ok and perhaps Charlotte’s Twitter trolls need to take a long hard look in the mirror before they post again!
Depression affects 1 in 4 four people and by 2020 it will be the world’s second largest killer.
Charlotte leaves us with her messages of hope and strength for those who suffer from depression and a book called Air Kiss and Tell – a very raw biography about her life. Check out this YouTube clip for more: The truth about Charlotte Dawson.
Charlotte Dawson – you may not have felt like much in your final moments – but you will be missed.
In 2012 I wrote a blog about Being proactive against bullying, with solutions – one being to start an online support network where those suffering at the hands of cyber bullies can get instant assistance from someone qualified. Or even unqualified! The idea of having Lifeline online.
“If you’re going to express those points of view, you should do it with a face and a name so you can be accountable,” Charlotte Dawson was quoted saying in an interview with in September 2012 following her Twitter attack that landed her in hospital following an attempted suicide.
Domestic Violence organisation, 1800 RESPECT, has recently introduced a similar functionality on their website where people can go online for direct assistance. We need that for anti-bullying and if anyone has the skills to put it together, I would be more than happy to team up, share ideas and start building it to make it happen.
In the meantime, if you are in crisis or are struggling with depression, please contact Lifeline for assistance: 13 11 14.
Related articles:
Charlotte Dawson found dead
TV celebrity Charlotte Dawson found dead at her Sydney home
Charlotte Dawson found dead in Woolloomooloo home
How to avoid the BIG blues
Today lived well makes every yesterday a memory of
happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Kalidasa
Have you ever noticed that when planning a big holiday, despite all your excitement, you’re already thinking about how life will be when you return? Your work all piled up on your desk, bills overflowing in the mailbox, the weight gain that will take months to shed … it’s sure to put a dampener on you spirits! But it’s not just holidays! Have you ever completed a big project that’s drained your budget – like renovating your house for example? You get to the end and you don’t have any more money to spend, and you’re asking yourself what’s next? What about getting married? It’s every girl’s dream but the honeymoon period only lasts so long. This week Happiness Weekly looks at how to avoid the BIG blues and how to relax and fully enjoy your life experiences.
Be realistic
Reality is inevitable – and returning from your big holiday, finishing renovations or finally walking down the aisle, are inevitable (if that’s you’re goal!). Whether you’re preparing or returning home – celebrate the journey! Enjoy the planning and the holiday and deal with the rest as it happens. If you’re finding it difficult not to think about the return to the daily grind, take some time out to practice some mindfulness techniques. Here are some quick and easy techniques (allow five minutes to try these) by Toni Bernhard.
– Concentrate on what you can see in front of you – at first you’ll notice the obvious: the shapes, colours, objects and then you’ll notice the details – textures etc. If your mind wonders bring it back to the present and refocus. You can leave your head still or gently move it to look around.
– Repeat this exercise with hearing. Close your eyes to avoid distraction. Take in all you hear.
– YouTube also has some . Login and have a look around, it will certainly help you refocus and readjust.
Plan ahead
Plan ahead – do the dishes, clean the fridge, make the bed … ensure all the simple tasks are done before you leave so you don’t come home to a long list of housework (or think about it while you’re away!). Make a small list of reminders for when you turn so there is something to do – such as unpack your bags – it’s better to unpack them straight away than to leave them piling up. Writing yourself a letter before you go, saying you hope you had a great time etc. is a nice way to return home positively. Organise a day or two before you have to return to the office – it gives you time to recover properly from the holiday before collecting emails.
Slow it down
When we’re planning for something big (such as a holiday, wedding or renovations) we generally want to put our full focus into it and limit the time we spend with our friends. But ever notice how things come up and we MUST see people when we’re not expecting it? Going out becomes a necessity and a chore rather than being enjoyed. The trick here is to make some mini plans for yourself and slow things down. Plan to go out and catch up with people (on the cheap) twice a week. If you make a plan, you won’t overspend, you won’t spend too much time on it and you have managed your expectations enough to enjoy catching up rather than looking at it as a waste of time and another expense.
Write a budget
Ensure you have little financial rewards for when you reach your goals – a budget will keep you on track! Set a realistic budget so you can still achieve your BIG goal and have some money left over to reward yourself. It’s when you feel unrewarded for your hard work that you’ll notice yourself slipping into the big blues slump.
Take time out for yourself
As specified in my previous blog, Scheduling Time for Your Happiness it’s essential to take some time out for yourself and schedule in time for the things that make you happy. By doing this, you will have more time and energy to place towards your big goal and won’t feel so burnt out when you achieve it.
Set a schedule
Don’t let your big plans drag on, make sure you set a schedule so you know what to expect and you can see that your goals are staying on track. When we work towards things without goals, we tend to feel less satisfied when we achieve the goal because it feels as though we owe it more to chance than planning and dedication. Set a timeframe for your goal – break it into mini goals by date to ensure everything is organised – and even include some new goals after you’ve reached your big goal to ensure you push through and have more to look forward to and strive towards.
Plan what’s next
Generally we are so busy organising and planning for a big event to happen in our lives that we forget to consider the “what’s next”. It is when we get to that time, when we’re ready for the “what’s next” but don’t have a plan, that we allow ourselves time enough to fall into a heap. Our creative minds have burned out. Consider it carefully before it sneaks up on you!
What to do if you get the BIG blues
– Don’t bash yourself up! Sometimes we have no control over our emotions despite how much preparation we do. Try to accept it and go with your moods, remember you will bounce back
– Rest up. If you can, take a couple of days after your big event to just relax and reflect
– Relive the excitement – make a scrapbook of your favourite moments from your holiday
– Just like Seasonal Affective Disorder, the key to overcoming the blues is to get some sunshine. Open your blinds in your house and get plenty of fresh air and exercise by going for long walks outside
– Eat healthily – try to regulate your eating habits so you’re not over-spending on food. Eating healthily will boost your mood
– Ensure you’re getting enough sleep – aim for a minimum of eight hours a night
– Have something planned for the quiet days, always have something to do and to look forward to i.e. plan Christmas presents for people, practise a new hobby, write letters to friends etc
– Make a list of things you have ahead that you can look forward to
– Ditch an old habit and replace it with a healthy habit – it’ll take time and patience, but it’s something positive to concentrate on
– Incorporate one nice thing into every week (change it regularly) i.e. reading a magazine, having a bath or buying yourself flowers
– Take charge of your life where ever possible, book another holiday, keep yourself busy, or if you find you’re really struggling, seek help from your local doctor or make an appointment with a counsellor or psychologist.
Be proactive against bullying
Some people won’t be happy until they’ve pushed you to the ground. What you have to do is have the courage to stand your ground and not give them the time of day. Hold on to your power and never give it away. Donna Schoenrock
I’ve been actually really very pleased to see how much awareness was raised around bullying, and how deeply it affects everyone. You know, you don’t have to be the loser kid in high school to be bullied. Bullying and being picked on comes in so many different forms. Lady Gaga
The words of a bully can haunt for a lifetime, but a victim’s words – describing their pain – never feels enough. Unknown
More and more suicides caused by bullying, or bullycide incidents, are occurring as the brutality takes to the internet. Amanda Todd (pictured) is the recent poster girl as her story hit international headlines following a cry for help posted on YouTube. She’s not the first to take her life because of bullying and the eerie truth is: she won’t be the last.
According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics 2012, reducing bullying in schools is one of the top social issues consistently important to students across the country. It’s hard to believe that 1 in 10 students that drops out of school, does so because of repeated bullying. Celebrities, such as country singer Taylor Swift, claim to have been bullied at school. Many, including Taylor, write popular songs about their ordeal, and while this may glamorise a very ugly subject, it also raises awareness for a highly under-rated issue.
With more and more organisations fighting to combat bullying, there is still little information and support out there for victims that are suffering in silence. The scars from bullying are rarely acknowledged – possibly because past victims don’t want to open those old wounds to discuss and revisit what happened to them. I am absolutely passionate about combatting bullying – in schools and the office. More can be done! It is National Anti-Bullying Week this week (starting today), so Happiness Weekly looks at how YOU can be proactive against bullying and what more we can do.
What does bullying do to a person long-term?
It affects their…
– Self-worth: they’re so used to hearing that they’re a failure and all the things they can’t do that they’re filled with self-doubt. This affects victims for a long time after the bullying stops. It’s exhausting trying to get the energy to find self-worth again! If nothing is done, this self-doubt becomes so ingrained in the victim’s mind that when applying for jobs or going for a promotion, they will tend not to over-extend themselves and will stick to roles they are confident they can do. Not out of laziness, but out of doubt. Doubts they only have because other people put them there.
– Commitments: They will probably avoid any situation where they feel as though they will be harassed, caged-in, anxious, bullied or defeated. This could affect things such as serious relationships and job prospects going forward – because if something that is said is taken the wrong way, that person who was once a victim of bullying will replay the tape in their mind and feel the same emotions they felt at the time of the bullying, can take it a lot more personally than originally intended and will more than likely avoid the situation by leaving the relationship or job – which could ultimately affect their career.
More symptoms published by the Herald Sun are available here or read what victims and bullies say upon reflection here.
*** BE PROACTIVE AGAINST BULLYING ***
Generally adults with power (teachers, parents and managers) will tell victims not to respond or fight back: “just ignore it” – an unproductive response that doesn’t validate their feelings or needs. We all need to start taking responsibility and empowering our youth! Children need to learn assertive communication and be given practical tips for how to overcome the feelings they have after suffering at the hands of bullies. Some more practical solutions and alternatives to the “just ignore it” response, may include:
VICTIM: What you can do before it becomes a problem
– Choose not to be the victim (avoid the bully, don’t play into their hands)
– Seek courses in leadership, conflict management, assertive communication, self-esteem
– Be proactive in shifting your focus from the suffering and feelings of self-worth and guilt
– Find a way to take advantage of the situation – look for the lessons, let it strengthen you
– Speak to the school counsellor, a teacher or year advisor: suggest an afterschool class for victims – if you’re at work, speak to your HR department recommend team building if the bully is in your team and see if you can find a common ground to relate to them
– Tell your parents or a close friend and ask them to take part in an educational program with you
Remember, bullying doesn’t stop in high school – statistics show that workplace bullying and harassment is on the rise. The fact is you can’t change the bully or make them go away, but you can change yourself (choose not to be the victim), take control and ultimately change the result.
BULLY: What you can do before it becomes a problem
– Find out what is causing them to be nasty and need the power associated with bullying
– Fill the void with a healthy alternative such as taking a class: kindness, leadership, anger management, mindfulness programs etc.
– Speak to a counsellor
– Avoid toxic friends and people who support or encourage the behaviour
Bullies need to first realise they have a problem before they can be proactive in seeking the help and guidance they need. A key area to shift the bully’s focus is to concentrating on how they can change for the better and becoming the best person possible.
PARENT: What you can do before it becomes a problem
– Communicate a zero-tolerance for bullying behaviour by applying negative consequences if displayed. Clear, fair and significant consequences may include grounding, repaying stolen money, restoring damage etc.
– Teach your child to control their anger productively
– Teach your child good values and behaviours, tell them that their behaviour affects others
– If you find your child bullying someone, ask them to explain their events before turning them in (this is the best way for them to take responsibility)
If your child is being bullied:
– Keep a diary of any injuries, report physical assaults to the school and police
– Monitor your child’s friendships and whereabouts.
FACTS AND STATISTICS
– One student in every four in Australian schools is affected by bullying, says recent research commissioned by the Federal Government
– An estimated 200 million children and youth around the world are being bullied by their peers, according to the 2007 Kandersteg Declaration Against Bullying in Children and Youth
– According to the Centre for Adolescent Health, kids who are bullied are three times more likely to show depressive symptoms
– Children who were bullied were up to nine times more likely to have suicidal thoughts
– Girls who were victims of bullying in their early primary school years were more likely to remain victims as they got older, according to British research
– Girls were much more likely than boys to be victims of both cyber and traditional bullying, says a recent Murdoch Children’s Research Institute study
– Young people who bully have a one in four chance of having a criminal record by the age of 30
– Bullying is the fourth most common reason young people seek help from children’s help services.
– Around the world, more than one in six children are bullied at school, every week. More than one in six employees are bullied at work, and some research suggests that more employees are bullied at work!
– Bullying causes billions of damage to everyone concerned, the target, bully, onlookers, families, school, workplace, employers and the community.
– Bullying causes accumulative layers of primary and secondary injuries. These include physical, psychological, social and identity injuries. It can affect studies, career, relationships and financial wellbeing. It can cause a severe Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, lasting many years.
BEATING THE CYBER BULLIES
What is CYBER BULLYING?
Cyber bullying chases victims onto the Internet – it involves the digital communication (text messages, emails, phone calls, internet chat rooms, instant messages and social media using sights such as Bebo, Facebook and MySpace) to support, deliberate, repeated and hostile behaviour.
While it’s fantastic that technology is evolving, unfortunately bullying is evolving with it which means you can be bullied anywhere, any time – even receiving cruel taunts in the privacy of your own bedroom. Studies show that cyber bullying is on the rise, with one third of teenagers in a recent survey having had mean, threatening or embarrassing things said about them online. Stop Cyber Bullying Day is this Wednesday, 14 November 2012.
What can you do to prevent cyber bullying happening to you?
Tell someone you trust: parent, friend, teacher, school counsellor, neighbour etc.
Block the cyber bully: delete your social media account, or simply empower yourself by blocking the cyber bully. Unsure how? Check with your phone or internet service provider or ask Google.
Report it: Report abuse on Facebook/MySpace, alternatively your ISP or phone provider may help provide a log which you can take to your school, university, place of work or even the police.
Keep the evidence: Keep any texts, emails, online conversations or voicemails as evidence which can help track down the bully. If you’re tempted to look at it, keep a log including the time and date it took place to avoid further torturing yourself.
Change your details: Get a new phone number, a new username for the internet, a new email … and ensure only your closest friends get the new information.
Happiness Weekly’s suggested solution to assist victims of cyber bullying and provide an alternative to bullycide
Now that the internet is becoming more popular, and is certainly a place that bullies turn to in order to further insult and humiliate their victims, more can be done right here – online! And I don’t mean more information and more facts…
A quick Google search retrieves information on schoolyard and workplace bullying. Sprinkled with a few stats and facts – suggesting you are not alone. The fact is anyone who is being bullied – for whatever reason – feels alone. No one can take the sting away, but someone can be there to listen and support those in need.
If Happiness Weekly had the capacity to become an anti-bullying organisation, the first thing I would suggest would be an online support group for those being bullied. That’s right – let’s take some of the people off the phones for Lifeline and sit them on a computer to share advice and help these kids (or adults) without them having to speak a word.
And I’m not talking about a lazy forum with a single moderator – I mean a full on page, where people can INDIVIDUALLY talk to a counsellor they choose in a chat session. FOR FREE! The government should support this – with trained professionals. The aim of the idea is to offer 24 hour support, seven days a week, on an international level.
Making a phone call is powerful, but how many kids refuse to talk? Saying it out loud may mean admitting the problem, it may be failure, it may mean kids won’t seek help. Having somewhere online, where kids can set up an appointment with an expert (possibly via text?), join a chat room or even meet them on MSN Messenger, Windows Live or even Skype and just chat it out for an hour or two – feel validated and then put some positive advice into practice could be what leads to a saved nation.
I admit that I am exceptionally passionate about this idea and that stems from having being bullied. The thing is, I didn’t call a helpline for fear someone would overhear the conversation, leading to further embarrassment – and admitting the problem out loud is also unsettling, while it may be the first step to recovery. Our counselling professionals and specialists need to band together to create a safe-haven online and produce some real-time online support – that way victims will always have someone there for them when they need them without the fear of being overheard.
If such a network existed, there would certainly be a reduction in bullicides. Start locally, if a counsellor, or five, from each state got together, we could start with Australia – with the hope of expanding the movement as a global support hub.
What is often overlooked is that bullying not only affects those who are being traumatised, but also those who are watching on. Such a support group could offer real-time advice to school counsellors out of ideas, or people watching victims who won’t defend themselves.
A lot of bullying has taken to Social Media sites such as Facebook and Twitter, and they need to stand up and take responsibility as well. Why not employ hackers to shut down access from their IP address – or no hackers, just block the IP address from accessing their site anymore. Bullies will get tired of buying new computers eventually! Nip it in the bud! Don’t block an email account, they can easily start a new one and continue their horrible mission… wipe their IP from having access to your system – ever again! People that bully online are not responsible enough to re-join social networking communities.
What do you think? Would it work? Why or why not?
Need support? You can speak to trained counsellors by phoning these 24-hour telephone counselling services:
Lifeline 13 11 14
Kids Help Line
Information and support is also available from the following websites:
Beyondblue – http://www.beyondblue.org.au
Youth Beyondblue – http://www.youthbeyondblue.com
Info Line
Sane
More organisations that recognise bullying as a major problem:
– Happiness Weekly (there’s more practical and beneficial things to do than bullying!)
– World Kindness Australia
– Enough is Enough
– Human Rights Anti Bullying
– Beat bullying
Please remember Bullying Awareness Week starts today and Anti Bullying Week in the UK follows the week after. Donate to the above organisations, spread word about them to friends and colleagues or be proactive this week against bullying!
Please leave your suggestions for how we could be more proactive against bullying below. Alternatively if you are interested in discussing the topic further or need more direct assistance, contact me and I’ll get back to you! Bullycide is completely preventable. Stop bullying.
Increasing your popularity: top tips for winning new friends
A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be. Douglas Pagels
Making new friends can be challenging, even for the most extroverted people – and particularly if you are trying to increase allies of the same gender as yourself. Once you reach a certain age, you may feel that everyone already has their group of friends and you’ve been left behind – maybe you’ve moved to a new city and you’re finding it hard to get to know people. This week Happiness Weekly looks at how you can increase your current level of popularity and win some new friends!
Know why you’re low on friends
A good place to start is to acknowledge the reason why you are low on friends. If you establish your weakness, it may prevent a pattern and help you keep the new friends you’re about to make. Here are some reasons you may need new friends (and this blog!):
- You have moved to a new city
- You are in a long-term relationship and your social life has withered
- Your current friends are moving away, starting a family, busy with work, getting engaged, getting married
- Your current friends graduated from university (where you met) and are moving back home
- You have grown apart from your current friends and are ready to make new friends
- You need a new group of fresh people with solid values away from bad influences (this is particularly important if you are trying to break an addiction or habit
- You are at home all the time and life is passing you by – you want more friends to get out and about with
- You never really knew how to make friends and have always wanted a better social life but didn’t know how to go about it (Good news – you’re in the right place!)
Prepare to make new friends
It is important to be ready to make new friends before you attempt to approach people.
- Have a winning attitude – you need to ensure that you drive potential friends towards you – and one of the ways to do this is to smile, be approachable, social, chatty and prepared to make conversation etc. Avoid criticising people, gossiping, and don’t compromise your standards. Be positive about … pretty much everything!
- Accept people as they are – everyone has a right to their own values and beliefs, and just because they may not be 100% in-line with yours or they may not come from a similar background, does not mean they won’t make a great friend. The more you accept people for who they are, the more friends you will make!
- Be self-aware – it’s important that you are mindful of how you treat people, what you say, and your body language. You also must know who you are – your values, beliefs and attitudes to things. If you have a friend who makes you feel good when you are around them, use them as your role model. Consider how you like to be treated and do the same.
- You win some, you lose some – good friends aren’t made overnight. Be wary of sharing too much information too soon, and avoid talking about the negatives too quickly. Don’t be too disappointed if your decision to make some new friends doesn’t result in heaps of friends straight away. Some people may not be as they seem at the beginning and you may want to terminate what you think may be a close friendship, or someone may not be interested in your friendship for their own reasons. Making a network of friends can be quite a slow process but if you’re patient, you will be successful.
Where to meet potential friends
The hardest part about making new friends is figuring out how to find them. Again, this is particularly relevant when you are seeking friends of the same gender. Here are some great places to make new friends:
- Work. Open yourself to social occasions such as Friday night drinks, work lunches, birthday celebrations etc. Be sure the person is a friend before sharing too much personal information with them, as you may not be able to avoid them in the office.
- Study. Expand your interests by learning a new language, craft or furthering your self-development by completing a course. Look at TAFE, community colleges, sometimes universities also offer short courses that may be of interest.
- Join a MeetUp Group. This is a great way to find a group of friends that share that interest – the website attracts all different people and encourages people to participate in activities. Joining a MeetUp group is easy – just login to www.meetup.com.
- Volunteer. If you don’t work and have no particular hobbies, volunteering may be for you! Choose a charity that interests you and start contributing. Before you know it, you’ll be meeting other people, even some that will inspire you!
- Network. Use your existing network of friends and family to network your way into meeting new people. Whenever you are invited anywhere, always accept – you never know who you’re going to meet!
- Visit the local council. Your local council will have a stack of community groups that get together for various events and activities. Join one! Simply visit to your local council to find out more. (This is also a great way to make new friends in your area.)
How to maintain your friendships
Making new friends is one thing, but how do you maintain the friendships? If you already struggle to spark new friendships to begin with, keeping them may seem particularly challenging – but it’s easy!
- Appreciate – don’t take your friends for granted. Take time to thank them for enhancing your life, or showing them your gratitude e.g. inviting them for dinner
- Offer your time – friendships (particularly new ones) need nurturing, and the best gift you can give is your time and attention. Make your friendships a priority. Listen actively when speaking with your friends and show interest and enthusiasm in their lives
- Be compassionate – sometimes a friend may do something you don’t approve of, which is why forgiveness is an important quality of friendship. Try to put yourself in their shoes before you judge
- Be trustworthy – maintain a confidence and be the person that people feel they can openly confide in
- Be open and honest – avoid being jealous of their other friendships. If the person is a good friend to have, they may be popular. Accept it and join in!
Making the first move
The best way to move an acquaintance into a stable friendship is to invite that potential friend to do something with you. Take action to achieve your goal and win a friend. You can ease in by having a party or gathering and inviting your new friend along. You may even let them invite a friend to ensure they feel comfortable. This gives you a chance to get to know them outside your usual routine without any pressure. Here are some tips for asking people out and making the first move (including what to say!):
- Consider the most appropriate way to ask this person out: face to face, over the phone, text message, email, Facebook message or through a chat window
- Be direct with your invitation if you are asking someone out one-on-one, this will give you an indication of how open they are to the friendship: if they say straight “no”, then you have your answer, but if they reject you and offer a follow up “How about next weekend?” or even contact you again when they are available – then they’re clearly open to the friendship
- Ask an open question to gauge the level of interest in catching up: “Would you like to grab a coffee/drink sometime?”, “Would you be interested in checking out that new store with me sometime?”, “What days are you usually free? Would you like to hang out sometime?”
- Ask the question with a plan: “Would you like to grab a drink after work?”, “Are you free on Thursday night? Let’s go late night shopping!”, “Do you want to go see that movie in the next week or so?” If you make a more general offer to hang out, and the other person isn’t interested, they may say something like, “Yeah sure, maybe we could do that sometime soon”, but then they’ll change the subject, and they won’t follow up later. If you follow up, they may be “busy”. It’s advisable that you offer them a way out to avoid any awkwardness if they’re not interested.
- Inviting a group of people to hang out: “Do you guys want to hang out together some time?”, “Would you like to try the new restaurant down the road for lunch one day?” “What does everyone think about heading into the city for drinks after work on Friday?”
- If you invite people out with your existing friends it will certainly take pressure off because you won’t be as needy. “Some friends and I are meeting at the pub on Friday night for a friend’s birthday drinks if you’d like to join us?”, “I go jogging with some friends every Sunday morning if you’d like to come?”, “I’m having a party this Saturday night for my birthday if you want to come round?”
- It can also become awkward to ask an existing friend out that you haven’t seen in a while – but it doesn’t have to be: “Wow – it’s been ages – would you like to grab a coffee on Sunday morning?”, “What have you been up to? Would you like to grab some lunch and catch up?”
Six steps to friendship
Converting an acquaintance into friendship can be a challenge, but now you know how to make the first move, the hard part is over! Simply follow these steps to win the friendship:
- Invite people out – individually or as a group (as above)
- Get in the habit of receiving contact information. Ask for their phone number or email address or try to find them on Facebook. This makes it easier to contact them if there’s a group outing that comes up
- Make a plan. To avoid any awkwardness it’s advisable you have a plan when asking someone out. Once you ask if they want to hang out with you, you need to be ready with a time and place – or some kind of plan. This will also make it easier to ask them out because there’s something to offer them
- Learn to invite yourself out. For example, if you have been hanging out with someone who mentions that their friends regularly do something you’re interested in, while the topic is there, simply ask if it’s ok if you tag along one day
- Accept every invitation you can to meet new people. This is really important because if you come across as too busy, they will stop coming your way. Remember: the only way to get something you haven’t got, is to do something you’ve never done
- Maintain the friendship by keeping in touch, organising more events/catch ups, remembering important dates or events and following up about them, and assisting the relationship to grow. Sooner or later you’ll meet your new friend’s friends and things (including your popularity) will build from there.
How to make a group of friends quickly and easily
A few quick and easy tips to making a group of friends:
- Join a club (this could be a sporting club or just a club based on your interest)
- Start a new job (hang out in the lunchroom
- Take a class in something you’re interested in
- Join a sports team
- Participate in a regular activity such as Zumba or Salsa dancing
- Live in share accommodation
- Merge all your individual friends into a group (and hope everyone gets along).
Learning to be sociable
Some people lack the social skills to network their way into more friendships – but it’s as simple as asking people out:
- Watch and learn from sociable people
- Practice socialising
- Be a good listener (it’s more important than talking too much!)
- Appear interested (ask the person about themselves)
- Find out other strategies (e.g. a counsellor or psychologist may be able to assist you)
How to be popular
So now you’ve got the basics of making new friends in any given situation – even rekindling old friendships – but how can you be popular with a group of people?
- Be bold – step out of your comfort zone. You need to interact with people to gain their attention
- Be friendly and sociable. Prepare to make short, friendly conversation with anyone in the room. Appear approachable and be pleasant so people enjoy being around you
- Talk to everyone who crosses your path. Make it a habit to know the people around you
- Keep a casual attitude. Choose light, safe topics to discuss – if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all
- Be polite and respect people’s privacy. Don’t be nosey or clingy. Read people’s body language and learn to understand the signals
- Be empathetic and a good listener. Try to relate to the people around you and be interested in them
- Lend a helping hand where you can – this will help you be on good terms with people. One of the easiest ways of building rapport is to listen to people and offer to help somehow
- Be yourself and simply mould the above qualities into your current situation
- Have something to say when you talk to people, particularly if you’re talking online or via a social media channel. Don’t just say “Hi – I’m bored”…
- Maintain your privacy – don’t tell everyone everything, it can come back to haunt you.
So now you’re set to make some new friends! Thank you for reading, and if you have tips, hints or advice to add, please leave your comment below!
Don’t get SAD this winter
If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. Anne Bradstreet
For some people winter can be a severely debilitating and isolating time as they suffer Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and are managing depression-like symptoms. The exact cause of this condition isn’t fully understood but it is generally put down to lack of exposure to daylight during the winter months.
“It’s important for people to get up in the morning and get some exposure to sunlight, ideally before 8am. Dawn and morning light is believed to be integral in regulating our biorhythms. Combining this with exercise is really important. If people feel this is not helping they should go to their doctor for more advice,” Associate Professor and beyondblue Clinical Advisor, Michael Baigent said.
Are you SAD?
Symptoms of SAD are similar to depression and include:
Sadness
Tiredness/Fatigue/Drowsiness and indifference
Depression
Crying spells
Sleeping more than usual
Irritability
Trouble concentrating
Body aches
Loss of libido (sex drive)
Poor sleep
Overeating (especially carbohydrates)
Weight gain
Low mood for most of the day
Loss of interest in usual activities
Inability to focus
Constant fatigue
Insomnia
Mood swings
Excessive energy/Anxiety
Poor appetite/Weight loss
Weakened immune system during the winter
Feeling generally “under the weather” without a cause
Isolating yourself/Avoiding social functions.
How can you avoid getting SAD this winter?
“Everyone’s affected differently by SAD so what works for one person won’t for another. But there’s usually something that will help, so don’t give up if the first remedy you try doesn’t work. Just keep trying,” said Sue Pavlovich – a SADA (the Seasonal Affective Disorder Association) committee member.
Lighten up
One of the more common treatments for SAD is light therapy which involves a light box that emits bright, fluorescent lights (10,000 lux) for about half an hour to an hour a day. Alternatively, brighten up your home or office by letting some natural light shine in. Some people find that using a dawn simulator – a bedside light, connected to an alarm clock, which mimics a sunrise and wakes you up gradually – as well as a light box can enhance SAD moods.
Get outside
Try to do some outdoor activities as often as possible during the daylight hours in winter and let light come through your windows at home and work. Fresh air is essential for a stable mood, so it’s recommended to get outside for at least 10 to 15 minutes a day, regardless of the temperature.
Exercise regularly
The same with most mood boosting techniques, exercise is highly recommended. While exercise alone doesn’t cure SAD, it will improve your mood. Get walking every day for at least twenty minutes to boost serotonin levels.
Treat yourself with aromatherapy
Aromatherapy can be a healthy way to replenish the mind and spirit. What we smell can have a profound effect on how we feel because odours travel through the nose to the limbic system – the emotion-controlling part of the brain. Essential oils or candles that are reminiscent of spring and summer days – such as lemon, rosemary, peppermint, lavender and honeysuckle – could help. Concentrate on scents that bring back positive memories. To increase alertness and encourage happier moods try jasmine, bergamot or citrus scents.
Take vitamins
A lack of essential vitamins can affect people with symptoms similar to depression. Take vitamin B to increase alertness and reduce depressive thoughts and anxiety, Vitamin D is linked to sunlight. Ensure you are getting enough iron, zinc and calcium in your diet. Incorporating multi vitamins or vitamin-specific supplements into your diet may assist with combating SAD.
Eat well
If you don’t want the vitamins – eat dairy products, whole grains, spinach, eggs, fish (especially salmon), fortified cereals, vegetables and nuts. Fish oil tablets will also help. Try to resist your cravings for rich, decadent foods in the colder months. Eat less sugar. Make homemade soups which are warming and nutritious. Gaining weight will only make you feel bad, so make sure you continue to eat healthily and look after yourself. Cut back on white flour-based products, caffeine and sugars. Chicken is a good dietary source of vitamin B6 or pyridoxine. Vitamin B6 is also found in wheat germ, brown rice, spinach and sunflower seeds. Fish contains high sources of vitamin B12 or cobalamin. Vitamin B12 is also found in shellfish, dairy products and organ meats. According to a “Mens Health” study in 2004, vitamin B12 can help control some symptoms for anxiety, depression and fatigue. Peanuts, brewers yeast, beef kidney, beets, tuna and swordfish contain vitamin B3 or niacin. Vitamin B3 improves blood circulation and stimulates the production of serotonin. It can also help to treat symptoms associated with SAD such as oversleeping and fatigue.
Socialise often
Spend more time socialising. Actively work to avoid the isolating symptoms of SAD, and push yourself to go out even when you don’t feel like it. Make social outings – meeting up with friends for coffee or dinner or visiting family members – a priority in your winter life. Accept any invitations to social functions. Try to avoid negative people.
Get organised
Reset your goals and priorities and make an effort to stay organised. Rearrange your to-do list into something practical and actionable. Start small and move onto the bigger things.
Review your stress management regime
Learn to manage stress better with yoga or meditation. Learning deep breathing skills will help you to release stress naturally.
Avoid alcohol
Challenge yourself to go a month without alcohol. Alcohol has a strong link to depression, and it is better avoided in the winter months if you are already struggling with SAD symptoms. Especially avoid binge drinking – if you do drink, drink in small quantities. The last thing you need when you’re already feeling low is a hangover!
Sleep well
Make sure your room is completely dark at night. Use earplugs to block out any noises that may disturb you in the night. Ensure you get at least eight hours sleep a night – but try to avoid sleeping any longer than that, even on weekends.
Musical mood
Create a playlist in iTunes to lead you up from the blues to a better place. Ramp up the tempo and themes to lift your mood. Choose songs you can relate to but are still positive and upbeat.
Read a book
Read a motivational book for tips and advice that get you ready to take on the world. Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People is very popular. There are many more inspiring reads, which I will blog about in coming weeks.
Keep warm
Rug up – being cold will make you more depressed! Staying warm can reduce winter blues by half. Keep warm with hot drinks and hot food. Wear warm clothes and shoes, keep your home between 18ºC and 23ºC.
Find a new hobby
Keeping your mind active with a new interest will ward off SAD symptoms. It could be anything from playing bridge, knitting, singing, joining a gym (and going), keeping a journal or writing a blog (this can also help you to express your feelings) etc. The important thing is that it is something you look forward to and can concentrate on.
Join a support group
There are SAD support groups around… mostly in the UK but I’m sure if you put some effort in you could find one or even start one. Sharing your experiences with others who can empathise, make be very therapeutic and make your symptoms more bearable.
Get painting
Paint your house bright colours or place bright paintings around the house to distract from the dreariness of the winter months. Pick a room you spend a lot of time in and try a vibrant paint or artwork in there.
Learn something new
Take a class and learn something new. It can keep your mind off the winter gloom, particularly when it gets you out of the house and meeting new people.
Change your perspective
Winter is inevitable in most countries, so it’s better to focus on the things you love about winter than the things you don’t like. Embrace the season and start a list for yourself and expand on it as you think of things. Take up a winter sport such as netball, ice skating, hockey or snowboarding – staying active will boost your energy. People tend to spring clean, why not winter clean? Live for today! Quit your job if it is too stressful. Take responsibility for your mood – it puts you in control and enables you to change it.
Make your bed each morning
This means you need to get up and get going, and it also helps you to feel organised. Simply by making your bed each morning, you have achieved just one thing and you’re on the path to achieving so much more! Pat yourself on the back for the little things you can do when things are feeling difficult – remember always focus on the good, don’t waste energy contemplating what can’t be done.
Stay productive
Keep setting goals to work towards and set yourself little projects. Avoid letting household chores pile up, it will only make you feel worse. Try to stay on top of things. Keep everything simple in the winter months, try not to over-plan or overextend yourself – it will only make you feel stressed.
Avoid jet lag
Try to avoid travelling during winter months and if you do, stick to no more than one time zone difference. Jet lag is particularly difficult for those with SAD – and if you must travel, go somewhere sunny and warm.
Manage your own expectations
Allow yourself extra time to do things – when you feel lousy, you work at a slower pace. Don’t try to live up to your usual high expectations, try to cut yourself some slack over the winter months.
Buy a pet
Cute animals in your life always help boost your mood. If you are unable to buy your own pet, head to a pet shop where you can play with theirs and not have the responsibility of caring for it.
Treat yourself
Celebrate your accomplishments for the year so far and treat yourself. Plan something exciting that you can look forward to – a weekend away, a trip to the day spa or a dinner party.
Relax
Read a book or a magazine, go to bed early, try some meditation, light candles, participate in a yoga class, do some deep breathing exercises etc. Try to work out what helps you to wind down quickly when you are stressed and keep it in mind for the days that are really difficult.
Get help
If things are really out of control, get some professional help. Talking it out with a psychologist, counsellor or GP may help. Just like depression, SAD can be a very serious psychological problem. The sooner you get help, particularly before winter sets in, the better you will be able to cope with any SAD symptoms you may experience. Offence is the best defence.
For more information about Seasonal Affective Disorder refer to
Dr Normal Rosenthal’s book – Winter Blues: Everything you need
to know to beat Seasonal Affective Disorder.
How to recover from a break up quickly
Rest assured sorrowful hearts of the left behind, there is more ahead than what you’re experiencing at the moment. This week Happiness Weekly looks at how you can move forward from a break up smoothly and maintain your dignity. Nursing a broken heart hurts, but it will get better.
#1 Let yourself grieve
You’re going to cry, the spring in your step will disappear for a little while. Accept this and start making a list of all the things you’re looking forward to with your new found freedom. This list may include travelling overseas, moving away, starting a new hobby, changing your habits etc. Let yourself cry for the first 48 hours if you need to, but don’t let it drag on. Try to keep yourself busy and be patient.
#2 Turn your radio OFF
Ever noticed that every song on the radio seems to relate to you when you’re in a lot of pain, particularly caused by a break up or relationship difficulties? Any mushy songs just remind you of what you’re missing out on. It’s time to put a break up play list together and listen to it on repeat! Collect all your favourite break up songs to keep you strong – here’s a few (Top 40 style) to get you started:
Survivor – Destiny’s Child
What doesn’t kill you (Stronger) – Kelly Clarkson
Rehab – Rihanna
Sorry – Buckcherry
Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri
Trouble or Picture to Burn – Taylor Swift
Runaway Baby – Bruno Mars
Want the full list? Comment below with your favourite break up songs and request.
#3 Lean on a break up buddy
Everything is easier if you can share your pain or vent to someone that can fully empathise with you. Lean on your single friends – sadly, this cannot be the person you just broke off with. Start getting back out there as soon as you can. Make your break up buddy tag along. Of course this is all easier if your break up buddy is the same gender as you if you’re straight or opposite if you’re gay. Why? Because if you lean on someone you could get attracted to, trust me when I say the chances your feelings will get confused are high!
#4 Don’t hurt the person you’re separating from
There’s two quotes I keep in mind during a break up: “Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward,” Og Mandino and “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others and if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them,” Dalai Lama. So try to make the transition as easy as possible, whatever happens – no matter how angry you feel – be kind. Your kindness will make it easier on you in the long run. Respond to their texts if you want to, don’t go overboard – don’t beg for them back, at least remain a friend to them as much as you can. I also like to send an email thanking them for coming into my life and spending the time with me that they did, for the lessons they taught me and just letting them know that they are important to me. If you decide to break contact, explain that to the other person first – don’t just shut them out. It may be difficult to talk to them, but you’ll feel better than just ignoring them.
#5 Be kind to yourself
Lots of massages, facials, manicures, shopping, take yourself away, have long baths with wine … treat yourself as much as possible. Try to keep yourself busy and distracted with the things you love. Put the comfort food down! Work on yourself, spend some time at the gym, change your diet to be healthier. Keep yourself motivated, and keep looking forward. Don’t look back. Monitor yourself, and if you’re really not handling it – seek professional help. There’s no shame in seeing a counsellor or psychologist.
#6 Avoid social media channels
It’s time to give Facebook a rest for a few days. You’ll say things you regret, you may not be thinking rationally, your friends may be posting information that will make you feel upset. Maybe their lives are jetting forward while you feel as though you’re standing still or taking a step back. Save yourself from the agony.
#7 Don’t watch chick flicks
I will never understand this… why is it when girls break up with guys, they turn to chick flicks? They’re always happy endings! Doesn’t it just remind you of what you just lost or what you don’t have? You need to turn that crap off and get outside into some fresh air. Go for a walk. Sleep if you want to stay in. Watch a funny series show … but nothing with love … avoid the lovey dovey stuff while you try to get yourself back on track.
#8 Don’t do anything you’ll regret
Think of someone you want to make proud. When ever you act, pretend that they are watching you. Whatever happens, don’t do anything you’ll regret or that would disappoint this person. This exercise will certainly assist you with maintaining your dignity as you try to move on. Don’t say anything hurtful, don’t try to move on too quickly, just make your way through the motions as best you can.
#9 Don’t think why – just keep looking ahead
Don’t ask yourself why, you could drive yourself crazy as you continue going in circles. Sometimes things just happen for a reason but there’s no explanation at first. Accept it. Keep looking forward to what’s ahead and before you know it, you’ll arrive at a new destination and the sting from this break up will be a distant memory. Keep yourself as busy as possible for the first few weeks, try to get some sleep (I know this is hard when your heart is breaking, but try) and continue to do nice things for yourself. Nurture yourself, because only you will feel your pain and fully understand how that feels. Only you can soothe yourself.
#10 Read more break up quotes and do whatever it takes
Take one day at a time and do whatever it takes to move forward. Laugh as much as you can and enjoy the moments when you do. You may feel that you leave the relationship in steps – one minute you’ll like the idea of the separation, the next you’ll be in despair – go with the emotions and sit with them. As yucky as it feels at the moment, it won’t last. And read more break up quotes, it’ll make you feel less alone:
What are your favourite tips for handling a break up?
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