Why strangers make us happy and how to repay them
Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human change. Bob Kerrey (1943)
The kindness of strangers has the power to improve our wellbeing and increase our feelings of happiness more than our normal friendship circle. How do I figure this? Imagine you have been hurt or let down by someone you trusted and thought you knew. You’re just looking to vent and for someone to listen to your story.
First you talk to a friend, they listen, and offer you their opinion and give advice in an attempt to try to lift you back up. You can sense their empathy and genuine care in their response which makes you feel somewhat better and your day continues as normal.
Now imagine the same scenario, but this time you’re talking to a complete stranger. You tell them your story and they listen. They then respond in a way that shows they identify or can relate to your situation, they offer you their opinion based on what they have heard and understood, and advise you accordingly. All of a sudden you feel less alone and your faith in humanity is restored and it’s like the sun has started shining through a grey sky – your day almost feels better, more fulfilled, than when you spoke to your friend. The happiness you feel as a result of the correspondence with the stranger barely compares to how you felt after communicating with your friend about the same issue.
This week Happinesss Weekly looks at why strangers can have a greater impact on your happiness than your friends.
Why strangers do it better
There are several reasons why strangers have the power to make us feel happier than our usual circle of friends – this could be why internet dating is becoming more popular and a more acceptable way of meeting someone and finding love. Here are some of the reasons why strangers can appeal to us more than our friends:
– Our expectations
The fact is we expect our friends to care about our wellbeing and therefore subconsciously depend on them to listen to us, side with us and support us unconditionally through all turbulence. It’s a part of friendship that almost all of us take for granted.
In the case of a complete stranger, we have no expectations. When a stranger is entirely removed from a situation and shows us kindness, we appreciate the time they take to actively listen to our story more than when our friends show us the same courtesy. Then if the stranger passes judgement that validates our feelings or actions, we start to feel better understood and less alone.
Although a stranger may have responded the same way as our friends, they exceed our expectations because we didn’t have any to begin with.
– The “stranger danger” belief
Strangers may also have an advantage over our friends because as children we were made acutely aware of “stranger danger”. These messages shaped our beliefs that strangers are a threat and potential danger.
Even now, despite statistics showing that someone we know who is a greater threat to us than a stranger, the media often highlight stories that demonstrate the opposite. When a stranger offers us kindness, our receptors instantly flick on warning us to be wary and we begin to question their motives and what could be in it for us.
It is when the kindness of a stranger is proven to be genuine and consequence-free, despite what we were programmed to understand, we often find ourselves pleasantly surprised.
As adults, neglecting or rejecting the kindness of strangers can force us to be confined and limited, so if we challenge this “stranger danger” belief, it enables us to work together to make a positive difference in each other’s lives.
– The selfish world we live in
Society often finds people first looking for the “what’s in it for me” before taking action in any situation. We all do it, whether it’s because we’re all time-poor in this fast-paced world or we’re simply becoming more selfish by the generation.
You may even notice that marketing campaigns are starting to lean towards commercial bribery as they become more aware that if they can’t convince the consumers that there’s something in it for them, it’s nearly impossible to motivate anyone to take action, let alone convince people to try a new product.
We are starting to value time more than ever before which is why when a stranger takes a moment to act selflessly towards us it leaves us feeling good because they have given up time to be thoughtful.
– About the kindness movement
This theory that strangers can have a greater impact on us than our friends isn’t new. Catherine Ryan Hyde’s novel Pay It Forward published in 2000, which was adapted into the film starring Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt and Haley Joel Osment in the same year, may have inspired the movement that encourages random acts of kindness towards strangers.
Whenever it began, adults are now being actively encouraged to be more mindful of each other and to demonstrate random acts of kindness where they can. The stigma associated with strangers being dangerous is deteriorating as more people embrace the “Pay it Forward” movement.
How you can make a positive difference to a stranger
The purpose of the following activities is to do something nice for someone without expecting anything in return – It doesn’t have to be expensive and there’s no need to go above and beyond when you choose to demonstrate a random act of kindness for a stranger.
– Buy someone’s coffee in the coffee shop
– Help a student with their tuition
– Teach someone something new
– Volunteer for a charity
– Let someone in front of you in the grocery store line
– Hand-write a letter to someone telling them how important they are to you
– Speak up for someone – sign a petition, write a letter, be a referee for a job
– Work pro bono where your skills are needed
– Compliment a stranger
– Give up your seat when taking crowded public transport
– Listen to someone without interruption
– Greet someone in the elevator
– Hold the door open for someone
– Explain the Pay it Forward concept to someone
– Take part in Pay it Forward Day on 22 April. Find more information here.
For more ideas on how you can show kindness to others, follow the free Thrive Happiness Challenge application.
How to change conversation and take control
A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That’s why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet. Truman Capote
Our conversation influences a lot of the things around us – the type of friends we have, our jobs, the way people respond to us… and ultimately it affects who we are as people. Some of us have small talk down to a fine art, some can talk under water … others find conversation a little more challenging and there is nothing more awkward than being stuck in a conversation you don’t want to have! When things start going awry when talking to my partner one or other of us will go “We’re not talking about this!” and the conversation changes, like a switch. But sometimes we find ourselves in a situation (for example at work), where we can’t say that because people may go there anyway. This week Happiness Weekly looks at tactical ways you can take control of your conversation and subtly change the topic if need be.
Invite other people into the conversation
A skilful way to dodge a sticky conversation is to invite other people in by asking for their opinion – this will take the focus off you. You can also be subtle by speaking a little louder so others can over hear you and jump in regardless of the invitation. If you can’t take it off topic, someone else is bound to eventually! As soon as it starts veering off topic, the person that originally started the conversation may leave or zone out, try to ensure it stays on the new topic but also try to include the original person by asking their thoughts as well – this assists in not making you appear disinterested in talking to them directly.
Link the conversation back
If the conversation is heading towards a topic you don’t know much about or something that is making you feel uncomfortable you can acknowledge where that person is going and steer it back to a previous conversation you had. For example: “I love chocolate, but when I lost all my weight recently I just found it gave me so much confidence”.
Word association
Sometimes it can be as simple as picking up on a single word the person has used and using active listening you can subtly change the topic. For example, someone starts talking about their dream car and they say it’s red and if they give one more detail you’ll be asleep – you could say: “Well, they say red goes faster! Actually, I had these sneakers a couple of years ago that had red on them, and I could have sworn they helped me run faster!” Run! RUN!!!
Deflect
Politicians are really good at this one. When someone asks a question, they instantly start talking about whatever they want to lead the conversation in that direction – regardless of if it has any relevance to the topic or not. A more subtle way to deflect a conversation is to vaguely state your opinion (so you’ve semi-satisfied the person), and then lead the conversation in a different direction by talking about something positive to do with the same topic or something very closely linked to the topic “A great example of this was when the same situation happened at Stanford University and the way they handled it!”
Use the art of small talk
If you are skilled in the art of small talk – better than being able to subtly change the topic – why not just start a new conversation all together? Some ideas include:
* Talking about something you have in common (even if it’s the place where you are at the moment)
* Comment on a topic of general interest (the Royal baby appears to be a hit at the moment!)
* Ask an open-ended question
* Ask a follow up question or offer your own response to your question leading off topic
* Inspire them to share their thoughts or their story
* Share lessons that you have learned
Start a conversation
Starting a conversation can be awkward, depending on the context of our situation. While looking on the internet to gather research for my article, I found these fantastic cards! They sound like a really great way to assist your dinner party or next function into a whole new level of interesting conversation and laughter.
Not so subtle ways to change the conversation
Flattery will get you … somewhere
Complimenting people will generally change the mood in sticky situations however, it may not be very subtle if the conversation is getting a little rough and you say “I really like your tie”. It can help them forget an issue that had them up in arms a few moments ago or soften them towards you – but also prepare for rejection. Some people are just hard to please, no matter what you see. Others may just see through this tactic! A more subtle way of using the flattery tactic to change the topic is to ask the person how they found out so much about the topic at hand – hopefully it leads them to talk about a fond memory or experience and abandon the current awkward conversation!
Excuse yourself
Sometimes it’s easier just to get out of the situation all together. Come back to it at a later time. The easiest way to do this may be to excuse yourself whether it be short term (for example going to the bathroom to regroup) or long-term (for example feeling sick and going home to reassess your thoughts). The trick is to change the topic upon your return – so while you take a moment to recharge, think of a positive direction you can take the conversation. The problem with excusing yourself is that is can make you appear guilty or vulnerable.
Do you have any tricky ways to change a topic of conversation? Share them below!
Respecting the people you work with so they can respect you
When people honor each other, there is a trust established that leads to synergy, interdependence, and deep respect. Both parties make decisions and choices based on what is right, what is best, what is valued most highly. Blaine Lee.
I don’t often blog about work issues because it’s seen as a bit taboo talking about work and your feelings about the workplace in an open forum. I’m fortunate that I work for a fantastic organisation where I’ve learnt a lot and shared a lot using my skills. The one thing I noticed that works well at my current company, better than any other organisation I’ve ever worked for is that all the staff respect each other and there’s a genuine care in the culture and consequently a nice atmosphere. This is particularly helpful when it comes to teamwork because respect builds trust and it goes from there. So this week, Happiness Weekly looks at why you should respect your colleagues and how you can do it, so you can start working in an organisation with a beautiful culture like the one I’m in!
What does it mean to respect your colleagues?
Respect is having consideration for yourself and others. This could mean respecting people’s privacy, their personal space, belongings, perspectives, philosophies, physical ability, beliefs and personality. It is also acting in honour of yourself, your values and your colleagues – recognising their importance.
Why you should respect your colleagues
Respect is one of those things that is hard to gain and very easy to lose. We’ll talk more on how you can gain it shortly, but it’s important to know why you should respect your colleagues. Here are some of the benefits of respecting your co-workers – it will:
- Build trust
- Enhance your working relationships
- Help you to enjoy work more
- Increase job performance
- Decrease stress
- Improve teamwork, workflow and output.
How to respect others
Knowing what to do to show your respect for others is vital. It’s important that you pay attention to people to ensure you are showing respect in the way they want to be respected because if you get it wrong it could have the opposite effect.
- Treat others with respect and dignity
- Build a sense of community spirit by organising little events – ensure you include everyone
- Abide by work ethics
- Maintain confidentiality
- Treat your colleagues as you wish to be treated
- Support your colleagues in times of need
- Be an active listener, genuinely care about your colleagues
- Start each morning with a cheerful greeting – a general “hello” or “good morning” is sufficient
- Learn the art of small talk and accept teasing that is in good-taste
- Ask for opinion and input – it shows you care what they think
- Pretend your children/parents are watching when dealing with a difficult colleague
- Give compliments often, recognise achievements where ever possible
- Spread good cheer – do something each week: cook a cake, give a colleague a thank you card, give someone chocolates who has been a bit down etc.
- Return calls and emails promptly
- Give credit where credit is due, if someone mistakenly offers you credit, openly correct them and refer the credit to the person who has rightly earned it
- Work as hard as everyone else in your team
- Share any good ideas you have.
How to earn respect in the workplace
- Manage your emotions
- Keep your personal life separate
- Remain positive: you don’t know what you don’t know
- Manage your stress as best you can
- Watch your communication: choice of words, tone of voice, body language etc
- Accept feedback and instruction from your superiors
- When communicating with colleagues talk about: what you are currently doing for the company, what are some of your goals you’re striving for or even personal goals that may affect work
- Value face-to-face interactions and thank people for their time
- Use emails if you have a specific request or update for a colleague so they can refer back to it at their convenience
- Take responsibility for your assigned role and all the tasks that come with it
- Say thank you and mind your manners, give positive feedback and validation for a job well done
- Do something special for your colleagues or peers – running an errand, answering the phone or just generally doing something small to go the extra mile
- Follow through when you say you will do something – never miss a deadline
- Don’t be late for your meetings
- Dress like you’re going to ask for a raise every day
- Keep your workspace clean and tidy
- Avoid drinking too much at work gatherings – this includes the Christmas party!
Why you should enjoy school
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. Mark Twain
This week marks Safety in Schools week, and to celebrate, Happiness Weekly is looking at the importance of enjoying school and how it can affect you later in life. Here’s my personal account of how I didn’t enjoy most of my school years – suffering at the hands of bullies. The outcome of my schooling has impacted my life – here’s how:
School shapes your opinion of future education
While I was bullied in school, my brother – who attended an all-boys school was very popular. He got good grades and went straight from high school to university. Meanwhile, following years of bullying which seemed to leap with me from school to school, I received average grades and was very reluctant to do any further education. I was concerned about the bullying following me. I didn’t enjoy the institution of being schooled – with dominant teachers.
I opted to take a year off before continuing any kind of study, which my parents both supported because as is becoming evident, jobs and careers are more difficult to secure without qualifications. The year off gave me more direction for what I wanted to do, it gave me the space I needed to recover from what I had endured at high school and enabled me to secure some confidence and prepare myself for what may be ahead. I didn’t need to worry – school is very different from higher education institutions.
School prepares you for the future
While you may not realise it at the time, the teachers you like or connect with may influence what subjects you enjoy the most. This may affect what you study in school. Once you’ve selected what subjects you like, you’ll stick with them through most of your schooling which may impact what courses you are able to apply for after school. Before you know it, you’ll be looking through lists of courses and ideas for things to study – whether you want to go straight from school to TAFE, College or university, or not.
The subjects you have enjoyed the most in school will play a big role in the type of career you select. You will consider what you have been successful doing and probably veer towards a career in that field or that uses a lot of the subjects you felt confident in. My advice is that if you are stuck to know what to do, ask your parents to make appointments with multiple career advisors and ask them to map step by step what you need to do. Set goals on where your career could head for you to clearly give you a vision of your future.
School is more like work than you think!
It’s so easy when you’re in school to look at your parents and go “I wish I was at work!” but actually, work is not too dissimilar from school. Workplace bullying is as much of an issue as schoolyard bullying in most organisations – in fact, it’s so serious that the Federal Government is putting laws in place to put a stop to it. The fact is, just like school, some people will like you and some people will dislike you – whether this is colleagues (fellow students) or managers (teachers). Learning to manage these behaviours as positively as possible is essential because it is likely you will repeat the pattern for how you deal with negative behaviours in the workplace.
Get used to submitting work and receiving critical responses – this doesn’t change during future education or in the workforce! Reporting in to management or senior management is the same; you still need to submit various pieces of work that someone else will proof before it goes down a chain and becomes and outcome. You will still have favourite tasks among less favourable things you need to do and you will probably still look forward to lunch and home time!
So how can you enjoy school more or help others to enjoy it?
– Remember why school is important
– Avoid procrastinating (it’s a terrible habit to get into)
– Have fun with your friends – plan your lunches so you’re with them
– Write down your assignments and their due dates, start working on them as soon as you can
– Get in the habit of having a good night’s sleep before an important or busy school day
– Maintain a positive attitude where ever possible.
Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world. Nelson Mandela.
Responding to a decision you don’t agree with that affects you
Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions. Unknown
Like it or not, people make decisions that affect us every day. The government of the country, the CEO of the company you’re working for, your manager, your local council, your bus or train driver, your partner… it’s just a fact of life we’re forced to deal with. But how do you cope when you really don’t agree with the decision that has been made?
1. Think about it
Take a step back from the frustration and panic that is overcoming you and don’t react. Be open to the decision that has been made: just because it’s not your decision, or your choice in decision, does not necessarily make it wrong. Consider why you don’t agree with it, why the decision was made, why the person may have made this decision, and what benefits could come from this decision?
2. Talk about it
It’s important to communicate. Find out if the decision is final or if there is any way you could influence it with your opinion by telling the person in charge your thoughts. Once you offer your ideas, opinions and perspective, the decision maker may take it into consideration. It may also get you included in the decision making process in future – you don’t know until you try!
3. Accept the decision
Everyone has the right to make their own decisions. You don’t have to agree with the decision made, but for your own peace of mind, you need to accept it. To put your mind at ease, trust that the person making the decision is making it the best way they can, in their situation, with their experience. This person will need to accept responsibility for their decision later on, so the best thing you can do is accept their decision and support it as best you can. Start taking action to support their decision to help you to feel empowered.
4. Respond
Many decisions aren’t yours to make – this is a fact of life. However, you do have the opportunity to respond and can make another decision that gives you power in the situation you have found yourself in. If someone else’s decision endangers your life or is seriously against your values, the final option is this: you can stay or you can go.
Suggestions for overcoming self doubt
When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt. Unknown
Self-doubt is a natural protective mechanism that appears when we create something beyond the “norm” – it does not mean that we’re incapable of manifesting our dreams. Every dream, every challenge, every goal, every climb … starts somewhere.
Experts have differing beliefs on how to overcome self-doubt but here are my suggestions for how you can overcome the thoughts that are holding you back from your dreams:
Let your intuition guide you
Focus on what you CAN do and start actioning that! Forget about “HOW” you will make your dream happen – and start taking the first steps to get where you want to go. Getting started is usually the hardest part.
Trust yourself and your judgement
Learn to trust yourself. Write a list of things that you do to make you feel supported and confident. Do not list people – you need to be able to do it all on your own. List all your achievements. List the things that motivate you and why you want to achieve this goal. Keep these in your own personal motivational book for when self-doubt starts creeping back in. Don’t change things for one or two doubters – maintain your confidence and direction.
SWOT your goal
Do a SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats) analysis to identify possible challenges along the way and your key strengths to keep you motivated. If you see an area that is a weakness, as for help or seek support there – sometimes a little bit of support early on is all you need.
Analyse your doubt
Figure out what triggered your doubt and why. “When you analyse feelings, you make them vulnerable to logic and reason. Questioning the validity of feelings brings them within the reach of reason,” one expert said.
Make a plan
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail – so start planning a strategy for how you’re going to succeed. Make an educated decision about what to do next. Choose a path that you think will lead to conquering your doubts and put it in writing.
Prepare for the worst scenario
Imagine the worst possible scenario that could result from your decision. Often it will be embarrassment, humiliation or rejection if our plan fails in some way. Imagining the worst case scenario is a great way to put things into perspective.
Surround yourself with positivity
Consider all the positive things about yourself and all the attributes and skills you have to realise your dream. Socialise with positive, encouraging and supportive people. Your friends should always recognise your abilities and encourage your efforts. Get feedback on your ideas from these people – most likely it will be objective and beneficial.
Focus on your achievements
Stop looking at what you haven’t done or how far you have to go: start looking at how far you’ve come, how hard you’ve worked and your key achievements to get where you are.
Break it down and research
Whatever you wish to accomplish should be broken down into smaller goals to keep you on track. Research it! Knowledge is power – so the more you know, the more empowered you will feel and the less doubts you will have.
Take the next small step
Set realistic goals and when in doubt – take the next small step. The next step will take you a step further from the doubts.
Learn to handle the setbacks
There will always be rejections and setbacks in life. If you can handle the disappointments, you will move ahead faster. Setbacks are an opportunity to improve as is criticism.
Make your own enquiries
Ask other people how they became successful and don’t hesitate to use their success model. What worked for them, may work for you too!
Fake it til you make it!
Why not act like a successful person until you achieve what you currently perceive to be success? This is what successful people do:
* Manage and control their fears
* Challenge self-doubt and expose it to be false
* Have a game plan
* Know every success if preceded by failure
* Know failure is momentary, then prepare for success
* See unlimited possibilities and opportunities
* Stand up, brush off and move on.
People who struggle with self-doubt tend to:
– Believe their emotional security depends on someone or something
– Feel inferior
– Suffer from low self-esteem
– Feel a lack of control over their life
– Believe that they are not good/smart enough to even attempt the smallest of tasks
– Anticipate failure even before they begin
– Have unresolved psychological trauma
– Suffer from depression
– Live in an environment that breeds doubt and negativity
– Be surrounded by rejection.
How to avoid causing offence
How to express your opinion without offending anyone
Expressing your opinion or adhering to your values and beliefs without offending someone can be tricky. In a world where putting other people down is considered funny, communication skills are diminishing as diplomacy is being lost. Have you ever expressed your opinion to be shot down, condescended or ignored? Not everyone will think or feel the same way about things that you do, so how do you articulate your opinion without instantly receiving a negative reaction?
How to resolve conflicts without offending anyone
Conflict is not inherently bad. In fact, conflict stems from differing viewpoints and since no two people view the world exactly the same way, disagreement is quite normal. Don’t let conflict go unresolved because it can get out of control and it’s uncomfortable for all those involved. The key to managing conflict effectively is to learn the skills necessary to become a good conflict manager.
Tips for being a good conflict manager:
– Try to determine if there is a problem between you and the other person
– If there is a problem, set up a private face-to-face meeting to discuss it with the other person
– In a non-confrontational manner, ask the person if there is a problem. If the answer is no, tell them that you think there is and explain what you think it is
– As you talk, ask for feedback, do not “attack” the other person with accusations
– Keep an open mind and listen
– Respect each other’s opinions
– Avoid finger pointing and put yourself in the other person’s shoes
– Try to work out a compromise that pleases both of you.
How to respond when someone insults your convictions
An appropriate response when someone insults our values, opinions or beliefs, can make all the difference between managing a potential conflict or fanning the flames.
– Don’t react immediately: gather your thoughts before saying or doing anything
– Speak up, in a calm and rational manner. If you don’t want to let the comment pass, then ensure your response is reasonable and not a reaction
– Don’t take things personally, if the comment was offhanded and from someone you don’t know well, there’s a chance that person has no idea the remark may have offended you. Rather than assuming the statement was intended to be insulting, give the benefit of the doubt and allow for some ignorance on the part of the speaker
– Ask the questions: find out why the person said what they did. Maybe the person had a personal vendetta that made him speak out so strongly. If that is the case, accept it and move forward
– Play devil’s advocate and generalise the argument to deflect from it becoming personal: “You could see it that way, but there are also those who see is this way”
– Identify yourself with tact and generosity for the other person’s point of view – even though that person didn’t really accord you the same courtesy. “I respectfully disagree, (and explain why)…”
– If you still haven’t made your point, let the other person know that she/he is entitled to an opinion, likewise, so are you. Explain that you found their remarks to be hurtful and ask them to tone it down for the sake of courtesy
– Take the high road: maintain your cool. At the end of the day, if you are kindly and gentle in your response, he or she is the one who looks bad to others present. The only thing you need to worry about is what kind of person you are
– Maintain good manners, always appear helpful and polite. Even if they intend to insult you, others will draw their own conclusions
– If you feel overwhelmed during a confrontation, get a drink to occupy your hands
– Keep an open mind, if the other person appears to be making a logical argument, they may also have information about the issue that you were unaware of before – this could be an opportunity to learn something new!
How to offer criticism without causing offence
By altering your wording and your attitude, you can help someone grow.
– Avoid direct accusations – leave the word “you” out of it, it will make the person defensive and then they won’t listen to what you have to say
– Soften with compliments – this will lower their defences and make them feel appreciated. Think of the feedback given on a reality talent show “I really enjoyed your performance today, your dance had a lot of complex movements, and you chose the perfect song to complement your message – you put a lot of effort into it. There were just a few technical errors which also lead to pitch problems when you were singing – but overall, you were great”
– No “buts”. After you’ve shared your compliments give them time to absorb – a “but” will destroy all you’ve tried to accomplish by making your praise seem false and insincere.
– Advise with advice – help the person grow instead of shooting them down “Next time you might want to slow down your dance moves. I find it helpful when I let the back-up dancers take over so that I can concentrate on my singing – this keeps my act alive”
– Be specific – be detailed in your advice but don’t overload them. You want them to keep trying and improving, so don’t let them leave feeling defeated
– Three tactics include:
* Choosing your words carefully. In order to get your point across, will be the ultimate deciding factor of your effectiveness. Be conscious of the consequences of your words when reprimanding
* Sandwich technique. Start with a compliment, tell them where they can improve, finish with a compliment
* Think of the bigger picture. Be calm and relaxed before you think of attacking back. The person that loses their cool first, is the one that doesn’t get their message through clearly. Keep in mind others feelings when you are speaking to them, be patient with yourself and others.
How to disagree with someone diplomatically
– Reflect your understanding of the other person’s position or opinion, and then say “I think/feel/want…” which gives the message that you are listening and taking their opinion into account before stating your own.
– Let the other person know that you value him/her as a person although your opinions are different. “I understand/appreciate/respect/see how you feel that way” which says “I hear you and respect your opinion”.
– State your position or opinion “I feel/think/want” which says that you don’t agree but you value them and would like to exchange ideas comfortably and not as a contest for superiority.
Quick tips: how to communicate without offending people
– Address or correct the act or event, not the person
– Respond after fully listening and understanding the position of the other person, don’t interrupt
– Speak in a normal, respectful and loving tones
– Avoid devaluing a person’s statement or thinking
– Disagree without being disagreeable
– Always be polite and use your manners
– Treat others the way you want to be treated
– Don’t jump to conclusions or assume, repeat what they have said to verify
– Be courteous and have manners
– Maintain eye contact when conversing
– Avoid being blunt and dogmatic
– Encourage growth and change – you will attract more bees by honey than you will by vinegar
– Give grace and don’t expect perfection
– Avoid being rash with your words
– Be more interested in winning people than winning arguments
– Speak words that build people up
– Listen first to understand than to seek to be understood
– Think before you speak and react
– Avoid being judgemental, critical or condescending
– Always assume the best in people
– Be humble and gentle when correcting people.
What to do if you have offended someone
– Understand what you have done to offend the person. Be empathetic from their shoes
– Think about what you want to say to make things right
– Talk to your friend (face-to-face) about the situation, apologise to them privately, state the reason why you said what you did, explain how you feel and make suggestions on move forward (don’t forget to maintain eye contact)
– Exercise patience and respect your friend’s space if not all is forgiven
– Being ready to talk it out is key. Be sincere, honest and prepared to take responsibility.
Resolving conflicts in meetings – without offending your teammates
Conflicts in meetings can be helpful. If the person disagreeing with you is raising valid questions, it may benefit the group to address the issues they are presenting. So how do you get a meeting back on track when it’s spiralling out of control?
– Find truth in the other person’s perspective that you can build on
– Identify areas of agreement in the two positions
– Defer the subject to later in the meeting
– Document the subject and set it aside to discuss in the next meeting
– Ask to speak with the individual after the meeting or during a break
– See if someone else in the meeting has a response or recommendation
– Present your view, let things be and go on to the next topic
– Agree that the person has a valid point
– Create a compromise
– Remember you’re both on the same team!
Resolving conflict in negotiations
There are certain principles you can apply to increase your chances of a successful negotiation when conflict arises:
– Avoid defend-attack interaction
– Seek more information: ask questions
– Check understanding and summarise: ensure you are understanding everything
– Understand the other person’s perspective – communication is more than just listening – try to see it their way!
How to say “no” without offending anyone
– “This sounds interesting, but unfortunately I am swamped with other projects at the moment”. This statement shows interest which gets the person you’re communicating on side, you’re validating the importance of what they have pointed out, but you are still politely declining.
– “I’m really sorry – but the last time I ______, I had ______(a negative experience)”. This will work because no one will intentionally want to hurt you. The statement takes the focus off what you want or do not want to do and remains at the bad experience you had.
– “I’d love to _____, but _____”. This says that you like the idea, you are willing to help but you just can’t at the moment. The trick is to try to avoid going into a lengthy justification or it really will come across as an excuse.
– “This sounds great, but I’m not the best person to help you – why don’t you try asking ___?” If you honestly feel you can’t contribute to the task at hand, lacking time and resources, be proactive and helpful about it. This statement let’s the person know up front that you cannot commit to help, but you can refer them to someone who can assist you.
– “I can’t do this, but I can do ______ (lesser commitment)”. This is a fast way to get you off the hook and avoid over-extending yourself. While saying no, you are still offering help on your own terms by making an easier, less time-consuming commitment.
– “You look great, but ____ does not do you justice”. This is the most diplomatic way of expressing your opinion to say you don’t like something about someone’s appearance or taste in clothing, without hurting their feelings.
– “That sounds great, but unfortunately I’m busy for the next few weeks. How about I call you ____ (specific time range).” This gives you time to reflect and consider something before making a final decision.
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