There is nothing worse than betraying yourself. Oprah
Have you ever noticed while being critical of others, your own journey stops? Sometimes we can
focus on other people’s faults to our own fault – and it can be something small and ridiculous we won’t let go of. For example, imagine you had the perfect partner – they fit in with the family, they treat you well with your best interests at heart … but … they snore. So you’re thinking of leaving them because you need your rest. It sounds ridiculous but in actual fact, it would appear not many people have a partner who doesn’t come without a even the smallest “but”. Here’s the thing we need to remember: no one is perfect and it is impossible to accept those small “but”s.
So how can you drop this critical mindset to embrace your journey? Find out here!
Saving long term relationships, putting the spark back in marriages, helping people break free of toxic relationships and getting people excited about being single and living life again is all in a day’s work at Relationship Free. Don’t let the name fool you – every day we work to help people decide who is the best partner for them, how to save a current relationship or marriage – even after infidelity, and finding yourself again.
We get to the core of the issue and work to resolve underlying issues while offering tools to correct the current issue causing people pain.
What makes us different?
Generally when we’re looking outside a relationship for someone else, or we’re feeling controlled in an abusive relationship, or we’re bordering on leaving the relationship we’ve been in for a long time or a partner we chose to marry, we may be excited by the idea of some freedom. What if we told you that you don’t need to look too far? Relationship Free helps clients find the freedom within to be your best self and work towards resolving unconscious issues, cycles and patterns that are bringing your relationships down or leading you to unhealthy relationships. Our tagline is “Find the freedom within to be your best self”.
What makes us awesome?
We don’t judge! Client after client we receive feedback at the end of a call telling us how great we were because despite whatever information may be disclosed we withhold judgement. A lot of people find it difficult to get the most out of therapy and counselling because of the fear holding them back from being completely open and honest during their session. Relationship Free quickly builds rapport and works to resolve the problem and empower the client at the same time as making them feel better about things. Where there’s a fork in the road, we cut through and help people decide the best path to take for them and equip them with the steps to follow through with it.
What makes us special?
You never know when that moment will come up in life where you need support around your relationship and everywhere you turn you feel alone, abandoned and as though either decision is a loss or someone will get hurt. Sarah Webb is a relationship coach and expert equipped to handle even the trickiest relationship traumas and issues with a knowledge and her own experiences extending well beyond life coaching. “I’ve been in toxic relationships, I ended up in a relationship where I was abused in every way possible, so badly I thought I’d never escape – and I didn’t want to leave at the time – that man tried to take my life three times. I survived and now I want to help others through it and offer an alternative to traditional therapy – just because you feel as though you may be going insane, doesn’t mean you are,” Sarah says.
What do we believe?
Every issue has a fundamental underlying issue that comes back to us. We each have the power within to shift and change this and to offer ourselves the freedom from the problem we seek. At times when we are stuck, cycles are repeating or patterns are occurring, it’s because these underlying issues are often unresolved. Relationship Free cuts through this and works to develop the steps and offer support to strengthen you in your journey. We help men, women, married couples, singles and everything in between – our work is tailored for the individual.
Where can you find us?
Our website is at www.relationshipfree.com – and you can book your appointment online. You can also find Relationship Free on Facebook. Spread the word – it could save a marriage, a relationship or even a person.
Like food is to the body, self-talk is to the mind. Don’t let any junk thoughts repeat in your head. Maddy Malhotra
Internal validation, the voice within, intuition – whatever you want to call it, it exists whether you feel you have control over it or not. Aligning our self talk and giving ourselves permission to seek internal validation before hearing the judgement of others is one key factors that could be vital for our happiness.
To learn more about self talk and internal validation, and how to tap into it and enhance the quality of positive thoughts, click here.
Like moss, shames grows in the dark. Vanquish it by bringing it into the light, Ross Rosenberg
Have you ever been in a relationship where you were forced to feel overwhelming guilt just for being you? Your partner made you feel as though you were flawed in such a way there was nothing you could ever do to fix yourself? Did you believe you were fortunate to be with this person although they treated you terribly? Have you finally broken free of the relationship but you’re not sure if you will find someone who ever understands you?
You’re not alone in your experience. This is the underworld of toxic shame – what toxic and abusive people use against their targets to isolate them, degrade their self esteem and cause them to undermine their self worth.
Many people have come to me to describe their experience with toxic shame and their struggles to release it and move forward. If your partner has subjected you to toxic shame, is causing you to doubt yourself until your self worth has evaporated, and you’re feeling isolated and confused about who you are and what you should do next, this blog is for you. This week, Happiness Weekly looks at how you can release toxic shame and move on with a happier and more fulfilling life than what you currently have.
What is toxic shame?
According to John Bradshaw toxic shame is: “The feeling of being flawed and diminished and never measuring up. Toxic shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you’ve done something wrong, but you can repair that – you can do something about it. With toxic shame, there’s something wrong with you and there’s nothing you can do about it, you are inadequate and defective”.
Still unsure? People who experience toxic shame demonstrate the following behaviours:
– Irrational paralysing feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, self loathing
– Stopped identifying with themselves or lacking a sense of self
– Other people bring them more peace than they feel they could ever bring to themselves
– When they’re hurting they are very quick to disengage, disconnect or detach
– They are comfortable being abused and often don’t recognise it – friends may see it first
– They feel completely unlovable and less-than human
Toxic shame is what holds us in toxic and abusive relationships and prevents us from leaving and people who are targeting you will depend on it to hold you there.
Experts say toxic shame is linked to childhood traumas, and while I agree this could trigger toxic shame in adult life – I don’t think it’s essential to have a traumatic shaming childhood experience in order to suffer from toxic shame as an adult.
People who experience toxic shame will demonstrate the following behaviours:
– Lack of intimacy in relationships
– Poor communicator
– Engage in relationships with: non-productive circular fights, manipulation, games
– Vying for control
– Fear of anger – your own or someone else’s
– Ongoing short-term relationships (caused by a subconscious fear of people getting to close) and this can be demonstrated in romantic relationships or jumping from job to job
– Low self worth and confidence
– Prone to knee-jerk reactions to benign comments, inquiries or situations to attempt to maintain some control (Note: Coming out of an abusive relationship – this behaviour not an unusual experience and can be part of self-preservation following your experience)
If you recognise these symptoms in yourself, it’s time to change. NOW!
Can you fix toxic shame?
Absolutely – but it’s a journey and it is down to the individual experiencing the toxic shame to recognise it and fix themselves. Unfortunately the co-dependent element strongly linked to toxic shame often leads these people to more romantic partners in an attempt to avoid dealing with the core issues linked to their toxic shame. This can force them down the obsessive path of love, sex and people addiction.
If you recognise these things in yourself and then you find yourself thinking it will be different with your next partner as you begin to seek your next partner out – I urge you to stop. Toxic shame creates big gaping voids, and while it’s tempting to resolve the loneliness and isolation it causes by placing another person in the hole – it won’t resolve your issues until you’re ready to face them head on.
Once you’ve committed to facing your toxic shame, the next area many people get stuck is knowing what to do next. Stick with me, I’m about to tell you! The following steps will hopefully lead you to a path where you’re feeling back on track rapidly. It is better to recover on your own than to bring someone else into your recovery with you.
What do I do if I suspect I’m suffering from toxic shame but I’m not entirely sure?
Keeping a diary may assist you to process what you have experienced or are experiencing. The more you speak about what is happening, the easier it will become to digest, process and recover from. It may also lead you to a point of self compassion, which is one of the steps we will look at to help you in your recover.
You can seek help through a psychotherapist, life coach, psychologist or counsellor to work through your experiences. I am also available to assist people all over the work, so you can contact me via email on firstname.lastname@example.org.
What will happen if I don’t get help?
Without the correct help, toxic shame will manifest all throughout your life in self destructive ways.
For example, you may continue to leave relationships or jobs as you avoid letting people get close to you; the big gaping void of loneliness and isolation that you suffer coupled with your horrible helpless feelings caused by lack of self worth and identity won’t go away and you’ll never have the opportunity to develop your true, authentic self.
Or it may even get worse. You could become co-dependent with obsessive tendencies that steer you toward love, sex and people addiction. It doesn’t necessarily mean you will become dangerous but it means you will have to overcome your addiction before you can deal with your toxic shame – so it’s better to nip it in the bud.
So how can I release my toxic shame?
1. Switch on the self-compassion light
Often toxic shame festers in people who are particularly hard on themselves. If it was a friend in a similar situation, this person would be able to empathise and demonstrate compassion – but because they’re close to it, they become hard on themselves for experiencing it. Shame is a “soul-eating” emotion according to Carl Jung – it survives as long as someone is fearful and negative and causes these people to be insecure, self-loathing and self-doubting.
Keep a process journal during your recovery. First I want you to write about your most shameful experience – and there are two approaches:
If you experienced shame in your childhood – try to remember the very first time you experienced it and what happened and write it down in your diary. This exercise deals with the core shame and is the most powerful approach of the two options. Once you have written about your experience, detail what you would’ve liked an adult to say to you directly after you experienced the shameful incident.
If you have only experienced shame in your adult life – try to remember the time when you experienced it at its peak. This exercise deals with “situational shame” and will assist you to process what you have recently experienced. Once you have completed writing about the incident, write what you would have liked an authority figure to have said to you directly after you experienced your situation.
Alternatively, you could write the story as though a friend experienced the exact same situation and write down what you would say to them directly after the event. Then say it out loud to yourself and see how it makes you feel to hear those words from yourself.
2. Enhance self worth by embracing your inner child
Find out about various ways you can connect with your inner child – I highly recommend this meditation by Mark Ryan. You can work with a psychotherapist, life coach or hypnotherapist to do this. Once you have connected with your inner child and created a platform for self-love, you can start embracing your inner child by finding out the things they like. When you reward yourself going forward, be mindful of your inner child and the things they enjoy. With the right ground work and assistance from the right support, this process will help you to feel security in an unconditional sense – it’s very, very powerful!
3. Take time off dating
If you are single, take at least six months off dating to detox from what you’ve experienced and allow yourself to process and find your true authentic self. During this time, challenge yourself to banish any unhealthy or limiting beliefs that may keep you in your current cycle or the state of harbouring toxic shame. Be mindful of your self talk (you are listening!) and challenge yourself to shift your focus to positive and healthy things as much as you can – as Tony Robbins says: where your focus goes, energy flows! It takes practise. I’d recommend getting a life coach to assist you to stay on track and really stretch you to reach some great achievements during this time. If you are codependent, I highly recommend “Codependent no more” by Melody Beattie and attending CODA meetings to start to break this and developing a self-care plan for yourself.
4. Learn to trust yourself
Toxic shame causes us to lose our faith in ourselves, so while we’re taking time out from other people to rebuild, it’s important to start looking at how you can build your self trust and test it in various safe environments. Quit putting yourself in self-sabotaging situations and instead work to break the cycle. Rebuilding self trust can be a frustrating task, so again, I’d recommend working with a life coach, psychotherapist or counsellor for this. One of the things I ask my clients to do is create the ideal of what they’re looking for and then find small ways to test if the quest to obtain this is possible – for example a healthy relationship with the perfect man, my clients would set boundaries and know the consequences to each being crossed and sticking to those boundaries to prioritise their self-preservation as a way of developing self respect and self trust. This is one of my specialities, if you would like to work with me – contact me via email at email@example.com.
5. Reassess the people you associate with
Nurture all relationships with people who recognise and appreciate your fundamental and naturally defining value. If a client comes to me having left a toxic or abusive relationship, I often recommend they cut contact with their ex-partner, which includes limiting communicating to mutual friends if they need to maintain the friendship at all. Part of the reason for this approach is that it’s very difficult to drive a car forward – and not crash – when you’re looking in the revision mirror.
Then once you’re ready to enter back into a relationship, only allow yourself to be with people who can see your self-worth based just on who you are, not what you do. Setting clear boundaries will assist with defining who may best assist you on your journey to detoxing from toxic shame.
6. Keep promises you make to yourself
You may have noticed you often tell yourself “If you do this, you can have that” – as a parent would, but once you do it, it’s like an anti-climax and you don’t reward yourself as promised. From today forward, keep all the promises you make to yourself – particularly when it is around achieving something – this is a really simple and effective technique which will assist to build your self worth back up.
7. Be mindful of your shame
When you do begin to experience shame, be mindful of it. Have a look at the meaning you are attaching to events in your life and ask yourself “What else could it mean?” or “What else could I feel as a result of this situation?” Instead of relying on external validation and other people to tell you how you should feel, ask yourself what you feel or how you should feel, decide on it, and make your next move from there. There are some fantastic mindfulness Apps you can download on your smartphone which will assist you to practise mindfulness including Headspace (10 days of 10 minutes) and Smiling Minds.
8. Spend time with pets or children
Spend time where you can getting unconditional love from pets and children. Watch how they make you feel about yourself. Then take that feeling home and try to replicate it on your own with one of your self-care activities. It’s important to teach yourself unconditional love, towards yourself, so you’re not relying on receiving it from others.
9. Rephrase “I am…”
Often when we feel shame we are also assigning blame … to ourselves. If someone want to say to you “Finish this sentence: ‘I am …’” what would you put after it? Be mindful of what your self-talk says and start to find healthy endings to that sentence and then go out of your way to prove it to yourself where ever possible. This is the affirmation for your life.
10. Change the ending
Going back to that shameful experience you wrote about, you could also change the way it ends. Write this out in such a way that you become the powerful hero of the story. Pick a character who resembles this powerful hero (a good one is Katniss Everdeen from the Hunger Games), and when you feel toxic shame is taking over again or can see signs of it, ask yourself what this character would do before you take action.
Have you experienced toxic shame? Please share your recovery experiences below.
Need more help? I’m a qualified life coach who specialises in recovering from failed, toxic and abusive relationships, whether they’re romantic, career-related, family-related or friendship-related. For personalised assistance, contact me via email for my rates: firstname.lastname@example.org
Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come. Robert H. Schuller
Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success. Napoleon Hill
They say that the universe always provides for us – ask for patience, and you’re likely to find a line at the bank or you could just test yourself and head to the post office during your lunch break. Imagine the frustration you would encounter if every time you looked for patience you got tested in some way. Patience is a skill, that’s why often we hear the term to “practise patience” – we can actually practise it and strengthen our ability to be more patient in all circumstances! This week Happiness Weekly gives you some tips on how!
Know your triggers
If you know what makes you feel impatient, you can avoid it when you are already feeling irritable, but you can also use it to challenge yourself when feeling calm to strengthen your patience in various situations.
Letting go can be difficult, but once you’ve packaged everything in a box and handed it to the universe, trust your journey to guide you. If you find directly challenging yourself with frustration is too difficult, you could also get in touch with your inner zen and practise:
- Mindfulness: a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.
- Meditation: a written or spoken discourse expressing considered thoughts on a subject.
- Affirmations: the action or process of affirming something.
- Visualisation: a technique involving focusing on positive mental images in order to achieve a particular goal.
Look at the big picture
When you’re finding it difficult to practise patience, sometimes stepping out of the situation and looking at the bigger picture can make the discomfort feel more bearable. Remember your goals and direction and then decide if enduring discomfort is necessary or worth it for what you desire.
Don’t demand yourself be perfect
We can all be perfectionists. We all want to do the best and be the best. But what if for just one day it was ok to be yourself, exactly as you are and that was perfectly perfect enough? Sometimes when we’re on the brink of frustration it’s because we’re demanding too much of ourselves or expecting too much. Consider how you would treat your best friend in the same situation. Treat yourself accordingly. What you’ll eventually notice is that being hard on yourself won’t change the outcome.
Intentionally practise patience
Deliberately put yourself in situations time and time again where your patience is constantly being tested. For example you may:
- Choose to stand in the longest line
- Drive behind a slow driver when you’re in a rush
- Take the longer route to get somewhere
- Make yourself wait longer
- Deliberately miss a deadline
Laugh at the problem
Laughing at anything is great at reducing stress. If you’re irritable and you laugh, you will instantly feel calmer about the situation and be able to feel more patient in your situation. When I can’t find the funny side in a situation, I have a lot of friends who will find it for me! If you’re having difficulty, talk to a friend and tell them their job is to find the funny side in your story. See how you feel once they find it and you’re both laughing.
Remind yourself what’s important to you
Is it really important that you achieve that goal exactly on time? What happens if you don’t? What is it about that particular thing that is frustrating you? How does it honestly affect you? Really think about it before you wind yourself up too badly over something. Sometimes simply reminding yourself what’s important to you is enough to practise patience.
In becoming more patient and practising patience you will reduce your stress levels, feel happier, make better decisions, be more empathetic and compassionate to others, and be better able to understand the process associated with growth.
How do you practise patience?
I’m really excited to announce Happiness Weekly is back online! Our Facebook account is now active and we’re set to go with some very exciting news to share, new blogs, a different writing style and more!
During the break I actually received a submission for Happiness Weekly from my colleague, Craig, who saw something on the way to work one morning and it reminded him of Happiness Weekly. That afternoon he returned to the spot to take photos of it and I wanted to share the Happiness Hero’s action-packed version of events:
Pulled up my car in a side street…
Walked to the bus stop where the chair was…
When I took the photos I was standing in the middle of a bus lane – pretty wild – cars traffic…
Some chick called out “Are u a reporter?”
Well I could not resist the opportunity: “Yes I replied – I am on an assignment for “Happiness Weekly.org.”
For a minute I really thought I was a reporter – till a bus tooted me and shocked me back into reality … Doooohhh!
Have a good day!”
Here are the photos he took for us:
Thank you, Craig the Happiness Hero!
If you have a submission you would like to make to Happiness Weekly, email it to email@example.com and we’ll put it up for you or you can post it on our Facebook page and we’ll share it for you.
Happy Independence Day everybody – catch you on Monday!
How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar. Trina Paulus
Look around you. Right now. What do you have in your life that’s important to you?
Now imagine that gone. Completely.
Generally even the thought of losing whatever it is makes us feel sad, overwhelmed or possibly even angry.
`While going throughout the journey in life, you’ll eventually come across a point where you need to let go. It may be letting go of a person in your life, it may be letting go of negative thoughts and feelings, it may be letting go of material things. Letting go is the steepest learning curve in attachment. This week Happiness Weekly looks at how you can let go the easy way!
Part of letting go is acceptance – acceptance that it is gone, acceptance of your feelings and acceptance of the feelings other people have around you about whatever is gone. For example let’s say we lose someone close to us through a relationship break up or death – there’s not a lot we can do about it, it is what it is – but we will have feelings about it and the people around us will have feelings about it. If we can accept what has happened quickly, then what other people think will bounce off us rather than consume us.
I’ve been talking about this a lot lately because it’s true – a lot of the time we look for external validation – but why? We live our lives! Stuff what other people think: What do you think? How do you feel? That’s what matters. Check in with your self and make your internal or self-validation a priority in your life.
Be conscious of attachment
If you know you are attached to something (dependent children are different) – let’s say we’re talking about a house, a spouse, a sports car or a romantic partner, start distancing yourself emotionally from whatever it is you are attached to. Practise thinking about letting go of it in the most positive way you can. This is key in recovering quickly if you are to lose it. Even if you just practise it as a passing thought rather than doing a deep meditation over it – if you are to lose it, your mind is prepared and your subconscious will return you with “Oh yeah, you prepared for this – remember when you were thinking this would happen and this is what you thought…” Don’t panic, it’s not the Law of Attraction, it’s preparing for what may eventually happen.
Challenge your limiting beliefs
If you were to lose whatever it is you’re attached to, what would it stop you from doing? What is it about that thing that you are so afraid of losing it? How does this thing make you a better person now than what you could be without it? If you lost whatever it is you’re attached to, what would it stop you from being? You’ll find when you start challenging your limiting beliefs about the thing you’re attached to, that you’re able to create distance from it. In fact, you may even discover the thing you’re attached to is holding you back.
Believe in yourself
When you believe in yourself, you know exactly what to do. The only way you can believe in yourself is to know who you are. Spend some time on your own exercising your self trust, self acceptance and self love, and learning about yourself and the things you love. Once you know all these things, you’ll be able to believe in yourself, your confidence will grow and you will be ready to face whatever challenge comes your way.
Break it down
Take it one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time. You don’t need to let go all at once. But if you use each day to detach piece by piece, you’ll feel stronger because every time we let go of something, we give more energy and power to ourselves. If you are strong enough to let it all go at once, then more power to you – letting go quickly enables you to start your healing journey faster whereas letting go gradually can sometimes just prolong the pain.
Let it go
If it comes time that you need to put this into practise: give yourself permission to let it go. Consider other positive stories where people have been in your exact situation (or something very similar) and as a result, have gone on to achieve much bigger and better things. Focus on what you do have, not what you don’t have. Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t do. Read positive affirmations and encourage yourself to let the situation strengthen you. Allow it to make you better not bitter. And remember: When you’re going through hell, just keep going – keep going and going until you’re so far removed from that hell that before you know it, you’re floating with angels again. Remember: nothing can hurt us forever.
Finally, if you really want a lesson in letting go, try packing your entire life in a small suitcase and moving overseas to a completely different country … indefinitely. What’s stopping you? Remove the blocks and excuses – and go for it – it will be one of the most empowering things you ever do.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddha.
You probably think I’ve lost it – the chief blogger of Happiness Weekly who prides herself on spreading peace and happiness worldwide is writing about getting angry and seeking revenge? What good could come out of embracing an emotion such as anger and responding out of revenge? And I’m not only talking about getting angry but actively seeking revenge?
Yup … I’m crazy. Or am I?
Holding anger in, or suppressing it – which is basically the same – can be unhealthier and even more detrimental to your long-term health, than to actually get angry and respond. Suppressed anger leads to premature death (ie. by 50 years old), long-term depression, increased risk of heart disease, cancer, accidents and suicide.
Not a lot of us have been taught how to get angry. In fact from a young age it’s an emotion that is often to be neither seen nor heard – in my social circle I’ve found that particularly being female impacts this as you’re almost expected not to get angry. Unfortunately when we swallow anger, we also swallow other emotions along with it – such as fear.
I’m often told of people doing the wrong things by each other. It’s happened to me, it’s happened to my friends, it’s happened to colleagues and I’m almost certain at some stage in your life it would have happened to you. In fact, maybe you’re even the person who does the wrong thing sometimes out of anger. That can happen – we’re all human and sometimes we make mistakes – so long as no one gets hurt. So I’m excited about this week’s blog post because this week Happiness Weekly looks at how you can get angry and seek healthy revenge.
Have you felt that overwhelming sense of anxiety, where you have so many emotions as a result of someone hurting you that you actually don’t know what to do so you’re trembling in silence and almost suffocating in agony? All you seem to be able to feel is sheer frustration combined with immense pain? You may have also felt fear.
Anger, when we don’t know how to deal with it properly, will often manifest as other emotions. When our anger finally does explode, we will generally overreact to something impulsively, irrationally and also may not have as much control as we would if we’d dealt with our anger at the time we felt angry. By dealing with our anger at the time, rather than keeping it suppressed, we can continue living a harmonious life. This doesn’t mean you can punch people out when they do the wrong thing by you, although it may be tempting, so today we’re going to look at the healthy ways you can express your anger.
First, it’s important to acknowledge the upside to anger according to Dr Gary J. Oliver, “One of the many potentially positive aspects of anger is that it can serve as a very powerful and effective warning system. Healthy anger can help us identify problems and needs and provide us with the energy to do something about them.”
How to express your anger in a healthy way
As I said, it’s best not to go knocking people out every time they wrong you – but it’s almost important to allow yourself to have your feelings and ensure you feel validated in feeling the way you do.
When I first considered the concept of getting angry in a healthy way, it was such a foreign concept to me that I kind of laughed. “I don’t even get angry! I just cry!” It was brought to my attention that those tears were caused by years and years of swallowed and suppressed anger. I had actually had a lot of anger bubbling under the surface but I didn’t know how to let it out so I’d never released it.
One concept I had grasped correctly about anger is that anger is an emotion, not an action. This means you need to express it and in expressing it, you need to figure out a healthy way of doing it – such as seeking “healthy revenge”.
Recognising that you’re angry and dealing with it appropriately won’t hurt you or anyone else. As Dr Gary J. Oliver pointed out, anger can carry messages that act as warnings to us – when we swallow our anger for a long time these loud warning bells start getting dimmed and we start overlooking them and accepting circumstances we don’t like, which links back into my article about cognitive dissonance.
How to express your anger in an acceptable way
There’s no right or wrong rule of thumb here, but let’s set some ground rules and boundaries around this to ensure we’re safe and the people around us are safe as well.
– No one (you or others) should get hurt as a result of your expression of angry (this includes hurting their wellbeing or negatively affecting their life)
– There should be no consequences from your actions and if there are, you need to accept the punishment
– Part of knowing how to get angry properly is knowing how to fight fair – if you get angry and then don’t fight fair then you never actually won that fight, whether you feel better about the outcome or not.
Anger Management classes will obviously identify and establish healthy responses to anger. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re passive aggressive (as the movie may suggest) or that you have issues in over-expressing your anger. A few tips for expressing your anger in an acceptable way may include:
– Assertive communication or waiting until the anger has died down and then communicating
– Acknowledge that you feel angry and validate yourself
– Go for a run and really pound your feet against the pavement
– Smash a pillow onto your bed
– Healthy revenge – which I’m going to tell you more about now.
How to seek healthy revenge
The first thing you need to do is cut the fantasy. Yup, you have to stop fantasising over writing rude words in your neighbour’s lawn with weed killer because their loud partying kept you awake til 3am last night. Stop thinking about slashing your ex’s tires because they cheated on you. Stop thinking about picking up your ex-girlfriend’s sleazy best friend to get back at her. Can you see how these fantasies only make one person look bad at the end of the day? Carry it out and I guarantee the only person who will feel bad will be you. Although I’m sure each fantasy may enable you to express your anger, none of them do anyone any good. In fact, these thoughts waste energy, people’s time and money at the end of the day. Although it may make you feel validated at the time and as though you “won”, none of these things will lead to a positive conclusion. So, instead of bothering with any of that, we’re going to concentrate on how you can really get your anger out and win. The best way to do this is to act for the greater good.
OK, now you’ve quit wasting your time on fantasising and let’s work out how you can actually deal with this anger in a healthy way and then how you can seek healthy revenge.
How do you seek revenge in a healthy way?
Warning: DO NOT SEEK REVENGE WHILE YOU’RE STILL ANGRY! If you’re still angry, keep on with the first part of this blog or see a professional psychologist about how you can deal with your anger. Anger is the strongest emotion that can manipulate our responses, causing us to act irrationally.
Now that you’ve dealt with your anger and released it in a healthy way, you’re in a better position to seek revenge. That’s what the first part of this blog was all about, getting in the best possible position you can so that you can use your anger to seek healthy revenge. OK – we’re going to do is something quite radical now…
Instead of seeking revenge on the people who did us wrong, we’re going to look at how we can use this incident to help other people. So literally we’re taking the pain from the situation and we’re going to turn it into power. This is what I’ve been referring to as healthy revenge. This is the only actual revenge that shows you as a positive and balanced individual that is striving for success rather than hurting others as a result of the pain you are feeling. Your response by taking action this way will speak louder, encourage powerful outcomes and create a positive difference – people can see that you got angry in order to take that action but they, and you, will be grateful for the outcome. A really good example of this is Tom Meagher from Melbourne, who contacted the parole board to change their system in order to enable our justice system to protect other women so they don’t get hurt like his wife did. The value that he has added to our world by using his anger to seek positive revenge is incredible.
Well that sounds great! But how do we know what action to take?
This is similar to how you were fantasising about plotting revenge, but instead of listing negative scenarios, we’re listing positive scenarios that will assist you in moving forward from the event that hurt you and left you angry.
The best, most dignified way to get angry about something that happened to you, is to make something positive from it. It’s just up to you to come up with what action that may be.
Here are a few steps you could take in order to take healthy revenge:
Step one: Give yourself permission to go on a healthy revenge mission. A big part of this will include forgiving yourself for any part in what happened
Step two: Consider the most positive thing you can do with your anger – for example, I started supporting a domestic violence charity that shuns violence against women after my experience with narcissistic abuse. This action was just one step in seeking healthy revenge, but it was certainly the most empowering response I could’ve had to the situation.
Step three: Get creative. If you’re really angry, spread it out and get creative about it. Contact politicians, start your own business based on the event that affected you, write the story and educate as many people about what happened to you as possible (imagine if it went global and you saved thousands of people from going through the same thing), hit the gym and workout to be strong enough to defend yourself in case it happens to you again … the list goes on.
Events are just events until we add perspective to them. Anger is the one emotion that leaves us feeling completely powerless – unless we do something positive with it. Even negative revenge is a temporary fix. Don’t let your anger beat you.
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