I believe in luck and fate and I believe in karma, that the energy you put out in the world comes back to meet you. Chris Pine
Lately I’ve had a lot of clients who are getting out of failed or toxic relationships or partnerships with narcissistic abuse and domestic violence and a lot of these people want revenge. These people just want to head straight for the jugular and punish the people who have hurt them, and so today I wanted to talk to you about karma.
I know a lot of Buddhists believe in karma and I apologise if this is insulting to anyone but I do believe there are two types of karma. I believe if you do good, the world will do good unto you. And I believe if you do bad, then look out because the universe has to back for all those good people that you did wrong by. There’s this saying “Karma never forgets an address” and I used to look at that and go “Ooooh, bad, negative, nasty…” but now I look at it and it’s not like Santa always watching to see if you’re naughty or nice and I think: “Yeah, you know what? That’s true!”
So I’ve spoken a lot about my story and I wanted to talk today about why Relationship Free came about because I’m passionate about it. Relationship Free is here to fill the void for people experiencing failed and toxic relationships, narcissistic abuse and domestic violence. The good news is: just because you’ve been abused doesn’t mean you have a mental disorder and need a psychiatrist or psychologist.
So when I got out of my relationship I wasn’t angry – I just wanted peace and I wanted someone to give me the next steps on how to get guidance to get there. In the process, I went to all sorts of people: a counsellor, a psychologist and a psychiatrist. In the process, I was offered anti-depressants I couldn’t understand how something designed for a chemical imbalance was meant to help something circumstantial? My point was: the arsehole was gone – I just needed to detox. And I actually found a really powerful way to do it, and that’s when I started Relationship Free because I want to share everything I’ve learned that helped me!
Not too surprisingly – I’m also an empath – which means I can sense other people’s feelings and emotions and sometimes I can feel it as strongly as the person experiencing it. When I got out of my relationship, revenge and karma were the last things on my mind. I just wanted peace. And I actually wanted to be friends with the man who abused me! Only weeks after trying to build that friendship, he had me served with an Apprehended Domestic Violence Order (AVO) for lifting his windscreen wiper blades on his car … on New Years Eve. Not only did he do it in a bid to maintain his control and keep me isolated (that’s the domestic violence side) but he also did it to affect my job – because I work for a charity … and this is the narcissistic abuse side of things.
How can I be sure? Because he told me.
Not only that, but in getting me served with that piece of paper he had “someone” – who I found out later was his manager, my old manager and the man who introduced us – support false allegations, saying he witnessed me abusing him.
When the police left my door, and I think this is interesting: the first thing I did was call my best friend and burst into tears. Not over what had happened though … I cried because: “La, how could I have scared him so much that he needed to do this to me?” Not your typical psychopath reaction for someone who would warrant the piece of paper smeared with lies. All I remember is being told “Sair, it’s time to get angry!” I got angry … but I used that energy to fuel hope for others, rather than releasing it into the universe.
At the court hearing I consented to the AVO without admissions. I didn’t have the energy, the will or the resilience at the time … I honestly just wanted peace! And it’s funny but that was a theme – and often is for people in relationships with narcissistic abuse – they’re drowning in drama and all they seek is peace.
Three days after the court hearing my abuser emailed me to wish me Happy Birthday – and it’s funny because he contacted me that way because I’d changed my number. Because I didn’t want contact and I hadn’t in a long time. And it was at that point, receiving that email, that I realised just how serious what I experienced was – and I had flashbacks of all the times he’d actually put my life under some serious threat – things that while I was in the relationship, I just overlooked – but now I was out, I could really see it. And it was then that I realised some important lessons about leaving a controlling person far behind. So I wrote a blog post.
His manager – ironically the same guy who lied about seeing me abuse him so my abuser could have that order created – wrote on my blog Facebook wall to tell me I was a liar. I remember seeing it (not knowing at the time that he was actually part of the “evidence” used against me), shaking my head and deleting it. I still wasn’t investing my energy there.
My abuser was really determined to affect my job and not only that but my career. This was his way of destroying any chance of a reference for me. And you know what? That’s ok by me, because I didn’t want his reference.
Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. St Augustine
So, instead of fighting them, I started fighting politicians because I’m like “If I was abusing him, if he really was the “victim”, then how is it that our legal systems are trying to stop the abuse – yet he’s allowed to contact me?”
Someone explain it to me. And explain it when we have NO ties to each other. I didn’t have children to him. We were never married. And there was nothing financial tying us together.
So the only thing he could get to tie us together, and to hold onto me – and try to hold me down – was that piece of paper.
My pitch to the politicians looked like this – after sharing all my evidence that it was not as my abuser had said and in fact I wasn’t even home at the time he alleged I was lifting his windscreen wiperblades… I said this: when someone is served with an Apprehended Domestic Violence Order and it goes to court and is passed – two things should happen immediately after the court case:
- The accused goes on six weeks intensive anger management therapy (because even as the target of ongoing abuse, that would’ve been beneficial for me anyway)
- The “victim” (I prefer calling them a target because it’s more empowering to the person involved), goes into six weeks intensive therapy for self esteem and self worth to rebuild the person so they don’t freakin’ kill themselves. Do you know how often suicides happen as a result of domestic violence? Neither do I – because no one ever talks about it. But it’s more common than bullycide (which is children who kill themselves as a result of bullying).
Keep in mind – Domestic Violence is serious and it often is a matter of life and death.
And the other thing I fought for was mandatory no contact clauses for both people involved. How are you meant to break the abuse cycle if the people in the relationship are still contacting each other and all the people around them? I remember talking to the police about it, right up the line and they bitch over the frustration of seeing people get back together and then fall out over the same thing. Well?? It’s time someone does something about it. And as Mikhail Gorbachev said (before Emma Watson said it when making her HeForShe presentation): “If not me – who? If not now – when?” Our system as it stands makes no sense – it straight up sucks – and it makes me really angry … which only serves to fuel the passion.
I finished fighting to no avail – but decided it was time to move my energies on – I wrapped up my studies and I started Relationship Free. Here’s a photo of my celebration:
And you know, while my abuser and his manager seemed to get away with everything they did to me, I just kept going on my healing journey and kept trying to push myself to keep moving ahead, keep recovering, keep detoxing, keep being better than anything I was yesterday – and let me tell you: yesterday I was pretty freakin’ awesome so it was going to be hard to rebuild and outdo.
Well recently there as this big tender and his company went up against their opposition … not once, but twice. And it was interesting the way they did it because it looked like ‘Heads I win, and tales you lose’ and actually, all the truths that filtered out of the process were very interesting and it made me realise the level of narcissism in that whole environment within that one company.
So here’s where the karma came in:
They lost the tender.
And in losing it – both their jobs (the man who abused me and his manager who lied and supported the ongoing abuse) will be affected as a result. Because that’s all they did … work on that one contract that they just lost. And now their competition now monopolises the industry in Sydney. Good on them!
So karma took almost a year exactly. But it came. And I didn’t have to lift a finger, which meant my energy was better spent on the other things I focused on.
If I went out and sought revenge at a time that I still held toxins from the ongoing abuse – I would’ve acted out in a way that wasn’t authentic to me, then by the time I became my authentic self and things were aligning, karma would’ve been coming for me – and what good would have been in that?
Of course there was some irony in the fact that he would’ve found out on his birthday and Christmas is just around the corner… But that’s how karma works.
So if you’re hurting and after revenge, I urge you to channel your energies into something healthy and let karma do the work silently in the background for you. Have faith in the universe, it will protect you.
Catch you next week! xx
Well, I believe that the depth of your struggle can determine the height of your success. I was inspired to come out of everything I’ve been through and end up in a place where I never thought that I would be.
In 2013 I was badly abused. I have made no secret about what happened to me, the “consequences” he tried to force onto me, and the journey I’ve been through trying to recover. He threatened to marry me once, I’m glad he never carried that one out… And as I tried to get away, he took me into a court room in his final ditch bid to tie his name to mine for all eternity.
I WILL NOT SINK!
In one month from today, I turn 32 years old. And I want to acknowledge my year of great success and triumph.
This year was so different…
My days off were only for study and bettering myself in any way I could. I learned a lot.
When the company I worked for was making half its staff redundant: I got a promotion. Even with his attempt at a black mark against my name.
As I continued to work full time, I achieved FIVE positive certificates, because that was the goal I set myself:
- An Introduction to Counselling
- The Nature of Trauma
- Speak and Listen Under Pressure
- Advanced Assertive Communication
- Certificate IV in Life Coaching (accredited with they International Coaching Federation, to enable me to help people worldwide)
And you could make it six if you include the Work Health and Safety Certificate … and 12 more if you include all 12 of the units I completed (at 90%-100%) in my ADMA Data Pass (digital marketing compliance) course.
I continued to maintain my blog – Happiness Weekly – without missing a beat. I took a break and filled the gaps, adding extra to reward my followers for allowing me the space I needed to process.
I have lived a year of peace: with unconditional love, inspiration and encouragement.
You can’t take someone down who can create their own sunshine through even the most massive of storms. Rainbows exist – you can’t take away what’s real.
My greatest achievements this year were reasserting my self worth and self esteem to such a degree they are unshakeable. Things that many people don’t manage in a lifetime, let alone within a year of being repeatedly tortured, spiritually destroyed and emotionally and mentally traumatised and suffering complete inner annihilation.
I will never understand how one can walk away from such mass destruction and pretend like nothing happened. I am an empath … but I could never empathise with a psychopath. Going forward, I’ll embrace that as a skill to guide me through life, so none like that will ever touch me – in any way – again.
I cleared my name from his toxic infringement: what he hoped would affect me for a lifetime will never surface again, despite all his attempts. Unless I talk about it on that TedX stage, which I will – that’s a promise. I’m not shy about what he did. I am NOT ashamed. So long as I’m armed with the lessons I can share.
So, from today I’ve got one month left to achieve everything I want to as a 31-year-old… Quite a task, because as you can see, I’m a bit of an overachiever.
As ‘The Year Of Awesome’ comes to a close, I look back at how it well and truly lived up to its name. Only the awesome entered my life this year: Awesome people, awesome food, awesome education and awesome lessons.
Soon to begin is ‘The Year Of Opportunity’, when I will start working for my own thriving company … My website is in creation, I’ve already booked an amazing trip to America for 2015, and my education goals are being reviewed … PLUS! It all starts with a massive celebration on Sydney Harbour with this year’s theme: INSPIRE!!!!! What better theme could a life coach wish for?
It’s shaping up to be another AMAZING year! I’m very excited.
The count down is on … one month left … have I missed anything?
Special shout out to my family and my best friend and sister, Lara, for keeping me forward focused and never giving up on me.
It sounds like a cliche but I also learnt that you’re not going to fall for the right person until you really love yourself and feel good about how you are. Emma Watson
Today I wanted to bring you a message about dating following narcissistic abuse.
Many clients have come to me recently with this big light bulb moment and said: “I know, I’m just going to date again!”
My question would be the motives behind the thought.
When we break up with a narcissist we are left with a big gaping hole in our lives. We feel completely empty. Useless. Like no one will ever love us. Our self esteem and our self worth are so low they’re almost non-existent.
This is not the perfect place to meet someone new. However, I made this mistake. Following narcissistic abuse, I thought I’d recover similarly to how I had from other relationships – by putting myself back out there. It was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. People may also try to fill the void with food, and may overeat, but others want to fill it with love thinking that love is all empowering and it fixes everything.
It’s a myth. Love doesn’t fix anything … and it shouldn’t have to. If you want to be in love, you shouldn’t want it to fix something – instead it should be used to enhance what you already have.
So as I say in my video below (sorry for the lighting and glare), the reason I don’t recommend dating immediately after narcissistic abuse is one of two things tends to happen.
1. You’ll find a nice guy and get bored very quickly. This is because he can’t match the toxic intensity of your previous relationship. Your self talk then starts beating you down for not liking the nice guy, making you feel you’ll never find the right one etc.
2. You’ll find the guy who matches the intensity of your relationship and start to see them. Before long you will realise that he too is toxic or even abusive, and the reason is that your subconscious has led you to find someone who matches that intensity.
I’m working on a program for Relationship Free at the moment for people who have experienced narcissistic abuse, to assist them with rebuilding self esteem, self worth and fill that horrible void that intentionally leaves targets feeling empty and as though there is a big gaping void in their life.
After a year in recovery, I have rebuilt myself from the coals and ashes – ruins my partner left behind from his path of destruction – and I have filled that gaping hole with self love, commitment and loyalty. The three things I was never offered in the relationship. And I have had a very happy and successful year. I have had the most incredible transformation. I have come through the most terrible storm, stronger, more confident and ready to take on the world. And it is only now, just last week that I have been open to dating again and already I’ve been asked out in some very elaborate ways! Haha! It’s funny what happens when you finally open yourself back up to the universe and say “OK, game on!” I’m also very conscious of the men I’m attracting now and am looking for someone who enhances my life lessons and can build on what I’ve already built up. I’m not sure if I’ve consciously gone out to find that before.
On my journey the major lesson I learned is that along with happiness, self esteem and self worth also come from within. So does passion! What are you passionate about? People look to external things: family, career, hobbies etc. What if it was more eternal. What if your passion was personal development or being in nature or something similar. Something that no one could ever take away from you – no matter how deceptive, how manipulative or how narcissistic. We are spiritual beings in a physical body, it’s important to embrace that and the life we have and focus forward on how you can create the best existence possible and make it more bearable for others.
The lessons I learned: you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge (Dr Phil), if you’re passionate – go for it, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something … particularly if it’s not up to them! It’s never too late to prove someone’s wrong, to embrace your self worth and to thrive.
Click the photo to watch the video:
Searching for a healthy relationship?
In a relationship you want to improve?
Looking to overcome a relationship issue or pattern?
Need help leaving or resolving a toxic relationship?
Starting again and trying to be your best self without direction?
Find your freedom within!
Build self esteem and self worth
Develop your confidence
Enhance your wellbeing
Relationship Free is giving away five FREE Life Coaching sessions – valued at $125 per session!
It’s easy to win:
2. Email firstname.lastname@example.org and in 30 words or less tell us how you celebrate your freedom
3. Five people can win, tell your friends!
Available via Skype or phone.
Offer valid until Saturday, 20 December 2014.
Bring in your New Year with a bang!
The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new. Socrates
As you know, I’ve been threatening changes to Happiness Weekly for quite some time and this week I did my first video blog! It’s faster for me to post, it encourages me to speak and get in front of the camera and it puts my face to my name.
In this vlog, I speak about my healing journey and holistic healing which I’ve been working on all year to get stronger and more confident following narcissistic abuse and domestic violence.
I also introduce my new business a little, Relationship Free and welcome anyone who wants to talk to me about holistic healing (or … my version of it) to come and talk to me at: email@example.com.
I also speak about amazing Divine products which have changed my life and a talk by Therese Kerr which inspired me to really care about my body and go certified organic, I can’t speak highly enough of these products – and then I shared a web address to completely the wrong page (OOPS!), so don’t go to where I say – instead, go to: http://divinebytheresekerr.com
And that’s this week in a nutshell! Check out the vblog by clicking the image below. I hope you enjoy it! <3